To wonder how unethical a coffee date would be if he won’t commit?

[Celia24]

To clarify, my partner is dragging his heels on a proposal for various reasons. In my 30s I’m not getting younger.

I don’t want to break up with him yet, but I also don’t want to put all my eggs in his basket.

would I be a cheat to consider signing back up to the dating apps, with the intention of going on some coffee dates (nothing physical)?

Ask yourself…would you mind your partner signing up to dating apps and go on a few non-physical dates to see if something better is out there before marrying you? If the answer is no then maybe you both need some time away from each other to reassess whether this relationship is still what you want. If you don’t like him to go on dates then you should have an honest conversation with him about future plans and what you need from him, and if you don’t align you should separate.

Well this explains a lot!

Well if you're expecting a proposal then surely you've been together for quite a while so what you're doing is shit and you know it.

I think that you do love him and want to be with him long term but that you’re seeking to punish him for not proposing. Waiting for a proposal is pathetic in 2025.

Tell him that you want to set a date for 2026. If he demurs, tell him that you’re going to be looking for someone who wants the same thing via the apps, and separate amicably.

Be honest and dignified. You don’t want to look back on this period when you’re old and grey and recall how you cheated on your partner and led on the men on the dating apps.

Yes you would be a cheat and it’s unethical. I get your frustration and my grandmother would likely agree with you (she always used to tell me “don’t let your boyfriend stop you finding your husband”) but I would not be ok if this happened to me.

What you need is a frank discussion with clear agreement on timeframes.

And if not please don’t let the sunk cost fallacy stop you walking.

They would be the same as she is getting now? All telling her this is a bad idea and to end things instead.

You have a "partner", so downloading dating apps in the first place is cheating.

If you don't want to be with him, leave him. Don't find your next one while you're still with him. It's not fair on him.

You obviously have different ideas of how quickly you want to commit. There's no right or wrong answer, but if you're not happy with it, you need to leave.

You really love him then, and see him as your life partner? 🤦‍♀️

It would be intentionally cheating deceitful behaviour.

If he wanted to marry you he'd have asked.

If he wanted to have children he'd have asked.

This is the relationship as he wants it.

But you're not happy.

Have a frank conversation - are marriage and children on his horizon? if no, and that is what you want, you should end it.

Cheating doesn’t have to be physical. I don’t think you’re ready for marriage if this is your view on relationships, if you’re not happy, leave.

Sneaky.

"Would it be unethical to actively seek alternate partners while in a long term relationship?"
...well, duh (seeing as we appear to be engaging with someone with the morals of a randy 15 year old)

Yes, OP, it would be extremely unethical. And a really shitty thing to do.

Just seen you’ve only been together 18 months!

It’s funny when posters jump in with their prejudices but don’t bother to read the comments first 😀

Youre talking about hedging your bets so you are still stringing him along in case he decides to propose and also keeping your options open.
Would you be happy, if you did get married, to find out he had been doing the same?
If you have got this far to start actively looking for other options I would just get on with it and dump him to focus on finding someone who wants the same as you do.

Oh goodness. Yep OP is not ready to marry….anybody….

Op youbare unlikely to find someone who will marry you withing 18 months, you might get swept off your feet but it is unlikely.
Not many people get engaged after 18 months.
If you have incredible wealth or beauty it is more likely to happen that someone wants to snap you up after a few months, buy for normal folk it is much less common.

In addition to being deceitful to your boyfriend, you're also being pretty unfair on any guy who thinks he's been matched with a potential partner and heads off for a coffee date to meet her, actually.

She is being universally torn apart. Not one comment is supportive.

Maybe read comments instead of beating your “Poor Oppressed Man” drum where it does not belong.

Maybe he hasn't proposed as he suspects you're sly and a cheat. Smart bloke.

The OP is very sensible to care about marriage. MN is a strange place at times, on one hand women are berated for wanting marriage, and then criticised for having children without the security of marriage!!!

Are you always this selfish, OP?

Is one of the reasons he is dragging his heels that he doesn’t trust you?

Don't be a jerk! Doing this coffee dates is jerking not just your partner around but other dates. It doesn't even make any sense- these men aren't going to instantly propose to you!

Let's be honest, you don't care about marrying him, you just care about being married and would marry anyone who seemed like a 'safe bet' (financially well off). Leave him, join the dating apps and put that you're looking for a husband/someone who wants to marry you within whatever time frame.

Or if I give you the benefit of the doubt and you don't really want to go on the apps, you're just frustrated he hasn't proposed yet (and perhaps are thinking of your ticking body clock), sit down with him and say 'I know it's not been that long but I want to make sure we're on the same page about life goals. How do you see our relationship evolving three years from now?' Then you tell him 'I'd like us to marry at that point/be married at that point; it sounds like we want different things from our futures so I think it's better for both of us to end this now'.

Note, don't start off by mentioning marriage and babies because he might just tell you what he thinks you want to hear. 18 months isn't really that long so he probably hasn't given much thought to your future together (or if you even have a future together).

It's a difficult one. How long have you been with him. Do you live together. I can't see the harm in coffee dates especially in view of him not wanting to commit.