How much do I owe ex?

[Dumpedonmotheraday]

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

How has he calculated that you owe him £20k? He is basically saying that the only contribution he should have made towards his living expenses for the last 20 months is £400 per month! That is even less than he paid in 2021, when costs for food, fuel and everything else were lower. I can't believe that you are considering that you (and your DC) should have subsided him - and actually you have done that because he couldn't have lived so cheaply without you.

Look you subsidised him for years to allow him to repay his debt, something he would not have been able to do if he had to pay market rent and bills, by him paying a small sum to you. That then increased as he could afford it

so you owe him nothing, even at £1400 a month that’s the normal amount he would have to pay for rent and bills as a minimum

and stop with what’s right morally, morally what’s right is him accepting you supported him when he needed to clear debt, then him oayin* normal market rate to live in your home

thats why you owe him nothing

Calculate how much he should have paid over the years vs how much he actually paid. He will end up owing you money. Then you can wilfully misunderstand his message and say "thank you so much for your offer to settle up. You mentioned a figure of £20k but by my calculations you only owe me £15k. I'll give you my bank account details again. Many thanks"

He would have otherwise paid more rent elsewhere. Which due to his own bad credit, he could not do.
You threw him a lifeline.

He owes you.

IMO he is not good w money which is why his £20k is gone, & why he had bad debt.

Highlight all you did in your post, and consider what he would have had to pay to get his own rental, furniture, plates, tv, WiFi, etc all the things already at your house, the wear and tear of his body in your house. He WAS a guest contributing and has benefitted.
He’s moving out. The end.

(was his paying to mortgage a sneaky long term strategy where he tries to get a “stake” in your property because he knew he would leave at some point.)

£1000 for an adult is nothing, my partner & I put £1200 a month in each to cover rent & bills.
if youre really worried £1000x20 =£20k
youve paid £12k
so the difference is £6k
he doesn’t get to live rent free

This is exactly what I would do.

OP is very worried about looking like the bad guy, whilst this man has no issues with taking money he isn't actually owed away from her kids.

You owe him nothing, and there’s not a thing he can do about it.

@Dumpedonmotheraday - AIBU is absolutely the wrong place to ask this kind of question.

Forget about 'morally right'. He clearly doesn't!

Put your children first.

IANAL but I doubt that you owe him anything.

If it puts your mind at rest, pay for an hour of legal advice.

Or at least ask in Legal Matters.

You owe him absolutely nothing you had no written agreement so he gets nothing but being told to move out.

It.is an insane suggestion to sell your family home to pay him back

Same, you owe him nothing. Protect your children’s lives and future inheritance.
They are your absolute first consideration.

Do not let your generous nature do them a disservice.

Honestly he was really taking advantage when he only paid £425 and £600 - was he paying for half the groceries on top of that? That would make a bit of a difference but would still be low. He also may have been paying £600 for rent and bills in 2020 but in my area rent has increased by more than 50% in that time and bills have gone up a lot too so it is unlikely it would have stayed at that. I would say he would be paying more like £700+ and then around - £400 for food etc… The key thing is that it is not the rate you pay for the mortgage that is important but the rate for rent in the area, then add in food etc… and work out what he should have paid for the 4 years. We pay over £2k on rent and bills before we even buy any food so he really did under contribute the first few years which obviously allowed him to clear his debt.

In terms of affording your home if you can manage to scrape by you really should even if it means renegotiating your mortgage. You will be thankful for having the asset when you are older and if you sell it you may not get similar again - rent is extortionate and house prices are always increasing - you would not get a similar house for less than £1000 a month. If you have space maybe get a lodger? What age are the kids now?

He contributed to the bills because he was living with you. If he had lived somewhere else he would have paid rent and actually thanks to you letting him live with you cheaply he got the opportunity to pay his debts off. You are the reason he is debt free.
so he paid £425 for 1 year which is £5100
Then 18m of £600 which is £10800
Then 20month £1400 which is £28000
so 44k for 4 years £11k per year or £915 per month.

What would rent plus utilities and food have cost him if he lived any where else?
Where I live rents are around 1k utilities approx £600 and our household of 5 spends about £700 per month on food so if he had lived here his contribution would have been £975 per month. And I live in a fairly cheap area.

He was very lucky to live with you so cheaply while you subsidised him so he could become debt free. Do not give him a penny.

OP I don't understand why you have to sell without him. Were you not living in your house before he moved in and did you not say, upthread, that you had increased the equity in your house?
Whilst the mortgage costs will not reduce, surely your utility bills and food costs will decrease as there are fewer of you?
I also agree with other posters that you owe him nothing and have enabled him to clear his debts as well as gain a qualification that has led to higher earnings.

It’s not increased at all.

So because of his offer the mortgage terms isn’t maximised and is therefore a lot for me on my own. And in the last couple of years the kids cogs have risen dramatically. Again I was able to let them do more due to his financial support.

You need actual legal advice not random people throwing information around

Sweet FA ! CF !

Contact your mortgage co and see what your options are. My
mortgage co lets you adjust the term of the mortgage at any point -
so if you need to up to paying over 20 years instead of 10 you can. Selling up isn’t necessarily needed right now!

Offer him a token 2k to fuck off as a deposit on a rental.

I would go back to your bank/ mortgage provider. I know lots of people like to pay off mortgage asap but I halved my mortgage payment by lengthening term. Just makes thing more manageable when kids are so expensive.

You owe him nothing and owe it to your kids not to pay him anything. Also if you could afford house before why can’t you know? Move on from this and get some financial advice.

I really wouldn’t entertain his claim, @Dumpedonmotheraday certainly not until you feel a bit better and not without a solicitor telling you he even has a claim. Don’t let him bully you or push you around, in fact don’t have any contact with him at the moment. He’s just exploded your life and you have every right to take as much time as you need to process and accept that.

When you do feel stronger please see your mortgage lender, I agree with pp that it is brutal to be renting and you are much better doing everything to keep your house. Maybe a lodger even.

But I really think he is a chancer with this claim for money. I don’t think you owe him anything legally (IANAL) but certainly not morally! You subbed him so he could sort out his financial situation, which he did, but I think he is back in debt and that’s why he wants you to bail him out again. He hasn’t subbed you over the years, as I said in my pp I think HE owes YOU!

There you go. This is your answer.

If you want to do the right thing, show him the zoopla value in the last 20 months (or find a period where it has gone down). Then add in that actually he’s not entitled to any increase even if there was one as it’s YOUR HOUSE.

I was in his position. I paid into a pot when I lived with my ex. Felt very stupid but I spoke to lawyer who said legally it would be very difficult to get anything.

If I were in your shoes I’d give him a token gesture, say £5k…..but to pay it to him over the same period he paid in.

Also phone tour mortgage provider, they will be able to help you, or a mortgage broker. There are many that offer free services as get paid with whoever you end up with x

The only accurate advice in this post is to get proper legal advice.

But what did he get in return for his financial support OP? It’s not like he just gave you money.

the money he gave you was a roof over his head and his bills paid - so food water electricity. That was his payment in kind - one which he would have paid without you.

Legally 3 years moving into your house nothing he is owed nothing

what you now need is to work out how it is going to work financially on your own including cutting back on things