Page 8 | How much do I owe ex?

Dumpedonmotheraday · 2025-03-30T19:23:27+00:00

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way. We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops. Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing. what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

Hwi · 30/03/2025 23:26

What a c*. What about the children? He featured in their lives for 7 years. So he just is going to walk away and rob you as well? Scum.

timestressed · 30/03/2025 23:28

Dumpedonmotheraday · 30/03/2025 21:05

Limited savings. He knows that money always tight and most goes on the kids etc. I’ll have to sell as I can’t afford the house without him. Which perhaps is making me feel like I owe him

Show quote history

You may he able to switch to interest only mortgage. Can you afford it?

PeriPeriMam · 30/03/2025 23:29

£0

nadine90 · 30/03/2025 23:32

Nothing to add to the countless comments saying you owe him nothing.
Just that, why are you concerned with being “fair” to someone who has dumped you on Mother’s Day after 7 years, and the very same day thinks he can demand money back from you? He’s a tosser and even if somehow you were legally obligated to pay him something, you should fight him all the way!

Gcsunnyside23 · 30/03/2025 23:35

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 30/03/2025 21:06

Unfortunately he has been paying the mortgage so as much as everyone would like to say he isn't due anything he does have a financial interest in your house now. He's not going to get 20k back but should get 50% of any increase in equity over the 20 months, there may not be any increase though, prices may have fallen.

Not true, there is no contract also. As far as op is concerned he's just paying her rent

EmeraldShamrock000 · 30/03/2025 23:35

Thank him for paying his minimum rent contribution and wish him good luck.

Gcsunnyside23 · 30/03/2025 23:38

You owe him nothing op. He stated rent free in the early days and yea he's increased his portion over time but there is no contract to say that was for mortgage. In my opinion it's rent, you subsidized him when he had nothing and thusxwas him evening things up. Tell him to take you to court. If he hasn't been so underhand and tried to blindside you I'd maybe say you could come to an agreement but honestly I think you got what was owed and he's learnt a lesson

Jaehee · 30/03/2025 23:40

MadinMarch · 30/03/2025 23:23

Just out of interest, what are rents in your area?
In the south, even a studio flat ranges from approx £800 to 1200, even more in the London area. Then there's utility bills and council tax on top of the rent.

But he hasn’t been renting a studio flat, he hasn’t even been renting a room. He’s effectively been renting half a room in a shared house.

When you pay rent to a landlord for a flat, you pay for its sole use. You don’t share the use of the flat with them. Likewise in a shared house, you don’t expect to have to share a bed with your landlord. So talking about market rates etc just isn’t comparable.

I would never give up my flat, rented or otherwise, to move in with a partner unless we had a cohabitation agreement. It puts you in a vulnerable position which I’ve seen play out on here many times with the genders reversed.

AllTheChaos · 30/03/2025 23:41

Dumpedonmotheraday · 30/03/2025 21:16

Paying me directly. Im not worried about the legal standing, it’s the morally right thing I want to do.

Show quote history

Morally I wouldn’t say you owed him. Whilst he paid the £425pcn and the £600pcm you were supporting him. When he paid the £1,000pcm and you paid for food etc, that probably equated to him paying roughly market rate to rent a room. Morally if anything he owes you, but you can be the bigger person and let it go. Him demanding money is both absurd and nasty. I would suggest you do as per pps and calculate what he would have paid if paying market rate rent and bills for the 7 years, and compare that with he actually paid, to demonstrate to him that he is being unreasonable and grasping.

AllTheChaos · 30/03/2025 23:43

Jaehee · 30/03/2025 23:40

But he hasn’t been renting a studio flat, he hasn’t even been renting a room. He’s effectively been renting half a room in a shared house.

When you pay rent to a landlord for a flat, you pay for its sole use. You don’t share the use of the flat with them. Likewise in a shared house, you don’t expect to have to share a bed with your landlord. So talking about market rates etc just isn’t comparable.

I would never give up my flat, rented or otherwise, to move in with a partner unless we had a cohabitation agreement. It puts you in a vulnerable position which I’ve seen play out on here many times with the genders reversed.

Show quote history

But I guess he wouldn’t usually have been getting to ‘be intimate’ with his landlord so it’s not really comparable!!

honeylulu · 30/03/2025 23:43

Even if you feel he has "morally" bought a share in your property, £20k mortgage payments does not equal £20k equity. A substantial proportion will be interest which is gone forever.

So knock off the interest and (theoretical numbers only) you are left with say 10k equity. But don't forget there will be selling fees so knock those off. Plus knock off a sum to reflect what he has saved on rent over the 7 years - no one gets to live for free and I bet it would have cost a lot more than the contributions he made. And what does he say when you tell him you can only pay him anything by selling and ousting your children from their home? Surely that's a "moral cost" to be deducted.

I bet after you do the sums you owe him pretty much nothing. I'd tell him to whistle for it. What a chancer.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2025 00:00

You owe him a total of nothing plus zero so fuck all.

Would you think it ok for someone to say to their landlord "Right, I am moving out so I will have all the money back that I paid you in rent"? No. Thats what he is asking. He can jog on.

OneFineDay13 · 31/03/2025 00:02

MinnieCoops · 30/03/2025 20:51

Nothing except a robust see ya later

😂😂 this with bells on

BobbyBiscuits · 31/03/2025 00:08

Unless he lent you the £20k and there's written proof then sweet fa.
He contributed to the house but so what, he was fucking living in it?! Silly bastard. Just block him. If he thinks he is owed money he can pay for a solicitor then can't he?

TwistedWonder · 31/03/2025 00:11

Dumpedonmotheraday · 30/03/2025 21:16

Paying me directly. Im not worried about the legal standing, it’s the morally right thing I want to do.

Show quote history

So is he morally doing the right thing by putting you into debt or making you sell the roof from over your kids heads just so he gets a pay day?

You owe him the sum total of fuck all

Tbry24 · 31/03/2025 00:17

You owe him nothing. You and your children are all you need to concern yourself with.

Flytrap01 · 31/03/2025 00:18

Dumpedonmotheraday · 30/03/2025 20:41

Those of you saying zero. On what basis?

no formal contract legally no leg to stand on

Flytrap01 · 31/03/2025 00:19

you could then do all your own costings and charge him for them eg, washing etc all the various duties etc @Dumpedonmotheraday

Kisskiss · 31/03/2025 00:29

How much is normal rent for a one bedroom flat in your area?

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 31/03/2025 00:35

He didn't want to pay a lawyer for a contract that would have secured his position - he doesn't get the benefit that the contract would have given him. If you give him money out of a misplaced sense of fairness, that's taking money away from your children, so please have a very careful think and don't be rushed or pressured into anything.

How much would the rent if you were renting your property rather than paying a mortgage? How much did he pay in total - minus food and bills - and how much is that on average per month he lived there?

Why do you think that morally he should get money back from his payments to you for the mortgage? Why don't you think that you should get anything from his 20k inheritance? During his relationship with you you subsidised his life while he got himself out of debt. It was a very kind and generous thing for you to do, and him paying the full value of the mortgage was presumably a thank you for facilitating that. IMO you are evens.

DBD1975 · 31/03/2025 00:35

If he has been paying towards your mortgage he has a claim on your property. I would try and come to an agreement as soon as possible to avoid him going to see a solicitor.

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 31/03/2025 00:38

Jaehee · 30/03/2025 23:40

But he hasn’t been renting a studio flat, he hasn’t even been renting a room. He’s effectively been renting half a room in a shared house.

When you pay rent to a landlord for a flat, you pay for its sole use. You don’t share the use of the flat with them. Likewise in a shared house, you don’t expect to have to share a bed with your landlord. So talking about market rates etc just isn’t comparable.

I would never give up my flat, rented or otherwise, to move in with a partner unless we had a cohabitation agreement. It puts you in a vulnerable position which I’ve seen play out on here many times with the genders reversed.

Show quote history

Close, but he was "renting" half a house, not half a room.

Moveoverdarlin · 31/03/2025 00:40

Everyone knows if you’re not married and not on the mortgage or deeds then you have no entitlement to ANYTHING. Whilst he was paying £400 quid in rent he was on to a winner, you couldn’t get a room in a dump of a shared house for that! Similarly when he paid £600, that’s nothing! Admittedly when he upped it to £1,400 that’s more like the going rate but whoopy doo, he paid decent rent for the last few years.

If you worked out the average rent and living expenses for the whole time he’s been with you as someone mentioned above, he will owe you money, not the other way round.

I’d say ‘Look, the relationship has ended at your request, let’s end things amicably for the sake of what we had and for the sake of my children. If you fuck off quietly and stop all this money talk, I won’t tell everyone you’re an asshole for dumping me in Mother’s Day.

Ohblahdeeiblahdoe · 31/03/2025 00:43

He's decided to leave you today and is already talking about money? What a prince!
I've no idea why you you think you owe him a penny, he was basically paying you rent. Don't even consider it. You'd be doing your children a massive disservice

MadinMarch · 31/03/2025 00:57

Jaehee · 30/03/2025 23:40

But he hasn’t been renting a studio flat, he hasn’t even been renting a room. He’s effectively been renting half a room in a shared house.

When you pay rent to a landlord for a flat, you pay for its sole use. You don’t share the use of the flat with them. Likewise in a shared house, you don’t expect to have to share a bed with your landlord. So talking about market rates etc just isn’t comparable.

I would never give up my flat, rented or otherwise, to move in with a partner unless we had a cohabitation agreement. It puts you in a vulnerable position which I’ve seen play out on here many times with the genders reversed.

Show quote history

@Jaehee I'm aware that he isn't actually renting a studio flat, but I think it's very relevant as a comparison of what his living costs would be if he did live on his own.
Yes, he probably hasn't had his own bedroom at OP's house, but he has no doubt gained in other ways. Presumably he had the use of a much more spacious and comfortable home, with probably bigger, better, and more facilities to use, plus possibly a garden- all these things add to a better quality of living than a studio flat. I doubt it was much of a hardship to share a bed either!
Overall, since 2021 it will most likely have been considerably cheaper for him to live at OP's home, and it's therefore unreasonable for him to expect her to repay him any of her costs.
She's not a savings account.
I agree that cohabiting can put people in a vulnerable position, but he really should have discussed this with her at a much earlier stage if he thought he was being hard done by. It's unreasonable for him to raise it at this point, especially knowing that OP has three children she's financially responsible for.