How much do I owe ex?

[Dumpedonmotheraday]

My partner of seven years ended our relationship today. We weren’t married and have no children together, but he has been an excellent step-parent to my three kids and I am heartbroken. When we met, he had been made redundant and as a result had 5 figure debts. Over the years, he since built a successful career, paid off his debts, and gained a degree, while I also progressed in my career and completed a master’s degree. He also inherited £20k, which he spent on a holiday—none of it came my way.

We are now struggling to reach a fair financial separation. He moved into my home in 2021, at which point I had already paid off nearly half of my mortgage. Initially, he paid £425 a month (which included bills), this later increased to £600 in 2022. About 20 months ago, when my mortgage was half paid off, he took over the £1k monthly mortgage payments and continued to pay around £400 towards bills. I paid for the big grocery shops.

Now, he’s asking for this £20k back, saying that’s what he has contributed to the mortgage. We never had a legal agreement in place, as neither of us wanted to spend money on lawyers. I want to do the morally right thing.

what do I owe him? I will have to sell up either way.

You owe him nothing!! Do not be bullied or coerced into selling yours and your children’s home. Please put yourselves first.P

Might be worth seeing a solicitor & getting a solicitors letter sent stating the facts and that you owe him nothing?

You owe him nothing.

Was he supposed to be allowed to live for free off your dime? Ridiculous. He paid a fair contribution to shared living costs. He is definitely no poorer than he would have been if he'd been living solo during these years and probably rather wealthier.

Also before you consider selling can you change your mortgage over a longer turn to make cheaper and more affordable?

On the basis that over the period of his living with you, what he has put in overall is not going to be any less than he would have had to spend to house, heat and feed himself if you hadn't kindly allowed him to live with you.

What’s the market rent for a one bedroom flat around where you live? Add bills to that. What’s he saved by living with you?

I wouldn’t pay him a penny tbh. Your responsibility is to your children.

I would be inclined to consider giving back whatever the 1k contributions towards the mortgage were. Why? To stop the question's about who's right or wrong to be able to move on. You cannot start your new life if your fighting old battles.

Confused why you want to do right by a man who has unceremoniously dumped you but not your own children. By that I mean that you’d be willing to sell your house and destabilise your children’s lives, forcing them into rented accommodation to “do right” by a man who has dumped you on Mother’s Day. You owe him nothing. Make your children’s needs your top priority. Get advice from CAB.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I hope in time you’ll see that you’ve had a lucky escape.

I'd say he actually owes the OP.... an apology for being an a* for wanting stuff back.

Nothing, it’s rent and the other money is towards bills and food

like so many have been tol no marriage no name on dees no rights

Mmm. Morality it wasn’t great to let him pay the mortgage. But that doesn’t mean you owe him 20k. How about working out how much he paid over a reasonable lodger rate ? You might want to give him that if you can afford it. But you don’t have to. Now that he’s dumped you it’s not the time for him to start negotiating.

Or work out how much under charged for rent, and ask the rest?

Why would you owe him anything. He paid a small amount towards his rent. Fwiw I rented out a one bedroom flat ( nice but small) 5 years ago for £600 pcm, obviously without CT, utilities, broadband, TV etc…

Morally, absolutely nothing.
He was paying rent.

How much roughly do the bills come to excluding mortgage? And was he also paying a share of grocery shopping initially or were you feeding him too?

I'd start off by working out how much actual rent he was paying you
2021: 425 - approx share of bills
2022: 600 - approx share of bills
end of 2023 - 2025: 1400 - approx share of bills and shopping.

Then see where you think you sit. I think you were subsidising him very materially in the first 2-3 years and he is probably not paying massively over at all in the last 20 months given you own more than half the house (assuming you started off with a deposit of some sort) outright.

Asking you for £20k back is clearly cheeky bugger territory.
If he had bought a half of a property 20 months back (which he emphatically didn't), with a 100% mortgage, what would he have now? Maybe the amount your outstanding mortgage has decreased by over that period. You could also check property price index for your area - maybe it's decreased over that 20 months in which case you can declare him in negative equity and he should pay you.

Then, hypothetically, his barrister draws the judge’s attention to a text message exchange from 2023 along the lines of

‘I’ve just sent you that £1k for the mortgage payment this month. Would it be easier if I set up a direct debit for 20 months? ’

‘Thanks for that. Yeah, DD probably easiest. See you later’

If he doesn’t have anything like that in writing, he could still use his bank statements as evidence and OP would be cross examined about what the payments were for.

OP needs to get proper legal advice on this.

This, since 2021 when he was paying very little. Tell him it evens out when taking the whole period.
Alternatively, you could seek some legal advice quietly, to explore whether he would have any case at all.
Personally, I doubt it, as it's a relatively short time with no formal agreement, and the house is solely in your name. However I'm not a lawyer.

Nothing you were not married with no written agreement. You can legitimately say that his contribution was the contribution he would have had to pay and probably more to rent and all his bills, he of course doesn’t have to accept this but the increase in your house value has been way outstripped by cost of living

Do you hope to be agreeable in order to get back together with him? Don’t be too generous and allow him to take advantage of you. Do what is right for you and your kids.

You give him nothing. Your house your mortgage.
He had nothing when you met him, you allowed him to move into your house whilst he had debts. You didn't see a penny of the money he inherited. so he doesn't get to see a penny from your house.
FFS he didn't even marry you ! so no legal rights !

For a year he paid £425 - that wouldn't even have got him a room in a shared house, never mind bills and food
then for a year he paid £600, ok so now maybe a room in a shared house but still no bills and food.
then he actually started paying his way !

why would you even consider letting him have a penny from your home and your children's home

and why would you now have to sell up anyway - can't you afford your mortgage any more - even tho you've afforded it all these years.

the lesson here to both of you is marriage gives legal and financial rights...

but

you are not married.

HE has ended it, bye bye leave your key with me.

As everyone. Else has said you don’t own him anything. Hr le had very cheap rent &lodgungd for a while, and whilst he paid more later on, he’d hard paid more than £1400 had he been renting somewhere else.

this man has dumped you, fuck doing the right thing… you only get one chance to tell him to poke it… that’s what you need to do. He’s not entitled to anything, legally or morally. If you give him money you are taking money away from your kids… he isn’t being very “moral” knowing you can’t afford it, and things are right. You and your kids are kore important now tha him…

also re selling the house… try not to do this if at all possible as you will waste a lot of money on fees and moving. If you have. Fair chunk of equity can you are about reducing payments and extending term? Are you entitled to any benefits now you are single? There’s a website called entitled to or something which can advise if you stick in all of your numbers. Could you look for an additional job? Lots of options before selling hopefully

good luck. And remember you and your kids.. not him fuck him

The 1000k included interest as well. It's a sunk cost so he can't get all of that back. Similarly closing costs if you sell could also be deducted proportonally. I Wouldn't give him much, if anything, as he needs to pay for housing regardless.

There's also other sunk costs like maintainance and taxes, and his share of groceries. Sound like he may have been strategic in paying the mortgage and not the food bill, please make sure you don't have a bill split like this in the future, and deduct his share from any money you might give him (if at all.)

Just out of interest, what are rents in your area?
In the south, even a studio flat ranges from approx £800 to 1200, even more in the London area. Then there's utility bills and council tax on top of the rent.

Adding to the chorus confirming that you owe him no money at all.
He's lived for a bargain price over the last few years.
You're not married. There is no other legal agreement.
Genuinely, the answer is zero.
Hold firm.
Do not buckle.
You'd be taking money from your children to give him cash he doesn't deserve.