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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband getting married

663 replies

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 15:53

Separated 13 years, no contact since children came of age, separated as a result of dv. I was informed today that he is getting Married next week .
Should i inform someone in authority?
Aibu if i report him, i was delighted when he moved on so not upset he is getting married,but im astounded because we are not divorced!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Zeb81 · 30/03/2025 18:49

Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 18:46

More nonsense. Shes not divorced.

Are you sure? More to the point is she? O don't know about you but I have had post not delivered. The court can confirm one way or the other

Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 18:49

Zeb81 · 30/03/2025 18:49

Are you sure? More to the point is she? O don't know about you but I have had post not delivered. The court can confirm one way or the other

Yes, I'm sure.

Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 18:50

ByGoldDreamer · 30/03/2025 18:49

Deleted as just seen that op does have a valid will …so ,phew!

Edited

She has said.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 18:51

Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 18:46

You're literally agreeing

Try reading the quote.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/03/2025 18:52

@Grassisalotgreener

The first thing you need to do is consider your own safety. If I were you and I truly felt that reporting this might be traced back to me and could end up in physical violence, bring him to my door to threaten me, or cause me problems with my life and my job, then I'm sorry for the 'bride', but I'd keep my mouth shut.

I'm not in Ireland so I don't know the laws, but could he have gotten a divorce 'by default' (also known as 'divorce by publication') by lying that he didn't know where you were living? The divorce would be invalid of course, but he'd have a 'piece of paper' to show the clergy-person.

If this 'marriage' does go through I think you should see a solicitor. It could be that if it's an actual 'legal' marriage, the fact that he's committed bigamy may make it easier for you to get a divorce and/or may affect whatever that impediment is that is stopping you now.

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 18:52

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 18:47

OP said

cannot say too much but i am tied to him financially through some archaic rule and i didnt and dont have the funds to divorce him.

Whatever that means.

I have a legal seperation, i tried but couldnt untie myself from a financial agreement, i do not want to go into details and wont discuss my anything to do with my children.
All i can say is it has been extremely difficult for me and life has been a struggle.
Im still shocked that he would do such a thing.

OP posts:
IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 18:53

Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 18:50

She has said.

Edit - after clarification

Semiramide · 30/03/2025 18:53

@Grassisalotgreener - is your will a proper, legal, airtight will, made with a competent solicitor who was aware that you are still legally married?

Personally I would definitely initiate divorce proceedings, whatever the cost. And then make a new will.

PrettyPickle · 30/03/2025 18:54

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 18:26

I am in disbelief that anyone could think that being separated for any amount of time means two people are divorced.
Divorce is very expensive here, i prioritised and stupidly thought that when he got engaged a divorce was going to be his next move.Who gets engaged when they are married?

I did, my then partner had been separated from his wife for 10 years and they hadn't divorced as it was amicable and neither initially had the money and then he wanted to make sure she had the benefit of his death in service benefits should he died as they had kids.

We got engaged and an amicable divorce proceeded at our expense. And the ex-wife came to our wedding! Getting engaged if you have been separated for ages is understandable but getting married is not. This is him acting inappropriately and not you.

I believe that in the Republic of Ireland, it is not possible to divorce your partner without their knowledge. Divorce proceedings require that both parties are informed and have the opportunity to participate in the process. The spouse initiating the divorce must serve legal documents to the other party, ensuring they are aware of the case.

If you suspect that your partner has filed for divorce without your knowledge, you can check court records. You would need to contact the relevant court office where the case might have been filed to inquire about any proceedings involving you. I would check if you are divorced without knowing it, he could have lied.

And If you have his address, I would urgently send him and his partner a congratulations on your engagement card (by recorded delivery) saying you wish them all the best and that you assume he now wants to initiate a divorce so he can remarry and that you would be happy to expedite this.

I would address it to them both, not just him as she clearly has no idea. If you are divorced, he needs to explain that. If you are not divorced and he goes ahead with the wedding, you need to tell the Garda exactly what you believe. The poor woman he is with, likely has no idea what she is getting herself into.

moose17 · 30/03/2025 18:56

You can get a divorce in the UK even if your spouse refuses to sign divorce papers or cooperate; the divorce process can proceed without their consent, though it might take longer.

UnemployedNotRetired · 30/03/2025 18:56

Bigamy is treated as a quite serious offence.

Talkinpeace · 30/03/2025 19:01

Genius
And If you have his address, I would urgently send him and his partner a congratulations on your engagement card (by recorded delivery) saying you wish them all the best and that you assume he now wants to initiate a divorce so he can remarry and that you would be happy to expedite this.

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 19:01

Semiramide · 30/03/2025 18:53

@Grassisalotgreener - is your will a proper, legal, airtight will, made with a competent solicitor who was aware that you are still legally married?

Personally I would definitely initiate divorce proceedings, whatever the cost. And then make a new will.

Not worried about this, all taken care of, thankyou.

OP posts:
Nameychangington · 30/03/2025 19:02

Talkinpeace · 30/03/2025 19:01

Genius
And If you have his address, I would urgently send him and his partner a congratulations on your engagement card (by recorded delivery) saying you wish them all the best and that you assume he now wants to initiate a divorce so he can remarry and that you would be happy to expedite this.

Jesus no there was DV , OP isn't going to put herself in danger just to provide MN with drama!

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 19:04

WearyAuldWumman · 30/03/2025 18:43

Agreed. This needs to be reported for the sake of the new 'wife'.

Police and the relevant registrar's office, perhaps?

His " new wife" is not my responsibility.

OP posts:
Cucy · 30/03/2025 19:06

I’m not sure why you’d want to report him or get involved at all.

If you want to punish him, then at least wait until after he’s married.

He’s not committing a crime by planning to get married.

Icedlatteplease · 30/03/2025 19:09

I'd contact the new wife. Or the registrar if the kids know where they are getting married

Quickest way to find out if he produced a divorce certificate

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 30/03/2025 19:09

WearyAuldWumman · 30/03/2025 18:47

I had colleagues here (in Scotland) who got engaged before the divorce for the previous marriage was through. I always found that utterly bizarre.

(They're now married with an adult son.)

Getting engaged just means you intend to marry one another. It doesn't matter if one (or even both) parties are still married to someone else or how far along you are in the divorce process. It's not unusual for people to do this, even if divorce proceedings haven't been initiated yet.
I don't find it bizarre at all, the intention is still there. Getting a divorce is just another part of the planning process.

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 19:09

Talkinpeace · 30/03/2025 18:47

No
because OP has already sorted out her will following the separation.

I do wish people would stop treating her like a child
she is clearly VERY clued up after escaping a vile situation

Thankyou!
I have only ever read on here never posted or commented, it would help if posts were read fully before commenting, just saying.
Some very helpful and useful comments also, hadnt thought of some scenario's , much appreciated.

OP posts:
Smallmercies · 30/03/2025 19:10

Boredzebra · 30/03/2025 15:54

I thought after a period of time of no contact it means you’re divorced (I’m wrong)

Edited

Nopety nope

WearyAuldWumman · 30/03/2025 19:10

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 19:04

His " new wife" is not my responsibility.

That's very true.

UndermyShoeJoe · 30/03/2025 19:10

Problem is it’s all good and well saying but the new “wife” op left due to DV her ex is not a safe but stupid person to her. He is violent.

In that instance it’s entirely up to op if she wants to risk her genuine safety for a stranger.

SnoozingFox · 30/03/2025 19:11

The OP's financial situation and the reasons for not being divorced are completely irrelevant.

It's super basic. Sally is still married to Steve, so Steve is not free to marry Susan.

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 19:12

Cucy · 30/03/2025 19:06

I’m not sure why you’d want to report him or get involved at all.

If you want to punish him, then at least wait until after he’s married.

He’s not committing a crime by planning to get married.

I do not want to punish him at all.?
I want nothing to do with him.
I think you misunderstood something.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 30/03/2025 19:13

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 30/03/2025 19:09

Getting engaged just means you intend to marry one another. It doesn't matter if one (or even both) parties are still married to someone else or how far along you are in the divorce process. It's not unusual for people to do this, even if divorce proceedings haven't been initiated yet.
I don't find it bizarre at all, the intention is still there. Getting a divorce is just another part of the planning process.

Oh, I understand that that's how they looked it at. From my own point of view, I wouldn't have felt right being engaged to my DH while he was still only separated from his first wife - it wouldn't have felt as though he were free to be engaged.