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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband getting married

663 replies

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 15:53

Separated 13 years, no contact since children came of age, separated as a result of dv. I was informed today that he is getting Married next week .
Should i inform someone in authority?
Aibu if i report him, i was delighted when he moved on so not upset he is getting married,but im astounded because we are not divorced!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 18:33

pugilist · 30/03/2025 18:30

OP if your children are going then I think you need to seek some legal advice this week. Obviously that shows that you are aware he's getting married and breaking the law, so unfortunately you could get into trouble for not reporting it. It's tricky, since doing so is a possible threat to your safety but there may be ways the authorities can stop the wedding by indicating they found out through their own checks, not through you. In fact given your history, I'd have thought they'd have to keep the fact that you said it anonymous. A solicitor will be able to advise you about this.

This is nonsense. There are no legal implications to OP because her husband may be going to break the law. She doesn't know if he is or not, and no crime has so far been committed.

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 30/03/2025 18:33

TBH OP, unless you are planning to marry again yourself, it's probably in your best interest right now (financially and for your safety) to say absolutely nothing.

Laststraw25 · 30/03/2025 18:33

I think she also needs to know what he is like op. Even if she ignores you, it will be alert her to the possibility and she is more likely to take earlier action to protect herself and any children.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 30/03/2025 18:35

pugilist · 30/03/2025 18:30

OP if your children are going then I think you need to seek some legal advice this week. Obviously that shows that you are aware he's getting married and breaking the law, so unfortunately you could get into trouble for not reporting it. It's tricky, since doing so is a possible threat to your safety but there may be ways the authorities can stop the wedding by indicating they found out through their own checks, not through you. In fact given your history, I'd have thought they'd have to keep the fact that you said it anonymous. A solicitor will be able to advise you about this.

OP sn’t the one committing a crime so she won’t be in trouble.

Also, plenty of people have cast doubt on here as to whether it’s going to be a proper wedding ceremony, so there may not be anything to report.

Personally for her safety I would advise the OP to do nothing. But if she really does feel she should report then I’d wait until after the wedding, at which point he will have actually committed a crime and the consequences for him will Ben more real.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 30/03/2025 18:35

Boredzebra · 30/03/2025 15:54

I thought after a period of time of no contact it means you’re divorced (I’m wrong)

Edited

That is incorrect.

Ceramiq · 30/03/2025 18:37

Of course you need to inform the authorities.

Riaanna · 30/03/2025 18:38

ApolloandDaphne · 30/03/2025 16:42

A humanist ceremony is still a legal marriage.

No it’s not. It’s only a legal marriage if it involves the legal part of it.

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 18:39

Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 18:33

This is nonsense. There are no legal implications to OP because her husband may be going to break the law. She doesn't know if he is or not, and no crime has so far been committed.

Show quote history

So i have been reading a few things regarding Irish law, i am under no obligation or responsible for the actions of someone breaking the law knowingly, failure to inform is not breaking the law, he is the the one breaking the law not me.
Lots of repetative words my head is spinning a bit.🙃

OP posts:
IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 18:41

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 30/03/2025 18:33

TBH OP, unless you are planning to marry again yourself, it's probably in your best interest right now (financially and for your safety) to say absolutely nothing.

Edited

It's in OP's interests to get a divorce ASAP. OP cannot cut her spouse completely out of inheriting.

Your spouse or civil partner has a ‘legal right share’ to your estate. This means that they are entitled to benefit from your will, even if you do not provide for them in your will. Your children also may have entitlements.

If you have left a will, and your spouse or civil partner has never renounced or given up their rights to your estate, then they are entitled to a legal right share of your estate. This legal right share is:
R of I inheritance rules

What happens to a deceased person's money and possessions?

How to get access to the deceased person's money and property, the rights of family members under wills and how property is distributed.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/death/the-deceaseds-estate/what-happens-the-deceaseds-estate/#a9f9f2

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 30/03/2025 18:42

Riaanna · 30/03/2025 18:38

No it’s not. It’s only a legal marriage if it involves the legal part of it.

Show quote history

It depends on where you live, in Scotland, humanist ceremonies are legally binding, and humanist celebrants are authorised to solemnize civil marriages. My dad and step-mum had a humanist ceremony in their living room and it was legal (I checked!)
I have just done a quick google, and they are legally binding in Northern Ireland too. It's just England and Wales that have a problem with humanist ceremonies!

Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 18:42

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 18:41

It's in OP's interests to get a divorce ASAP. OP cannot cut her spouse completely out of inheriting.

Your spouse or civil partner has a ‘legal right share’ to your estate. This means that they are entitled to benefit from your will, even if you do not provide for them in your will. Your children also may have entitlements.

If you have left a will, and your spouse or civil partner has never renounced or given up their rights to your estate, then they are entitled to a legal right share of your estate. This legal right share is:
R of I inheritance rules

Show quote history

This doesn't apply if you have a legal separation agreement. We don't know if OP does.

Cherrysoup · 30/03/2025 18:43

If you think he’d kick off at you, please inform the Garda. Have the kids told you where he’s getting married? Registry? So full on legal (well not so legal, obviously!) ceremony?

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 18:43

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 30/03/2025 18:35

OP sn’t the one committing a crime so she won’t be in trouble.

Also, plenty of people have cast doubt on here as to whether it’s going to be a proper wedding ceremony, so there may not be anything to report.

Personally for her safety I would advise the OP to do nothing. But if she really does feel she should report then I’d wait until after the wedding, at which point he will have actually committed a crime and the consequences for him will Ben more real.

Show quote history

Thankyou, this is good advice and i will be doing nothing.
Just feels like drama , seen it all before.!

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 30/03/2025 18:43

NotDarkGothicMama · 30/03/2025 15:54

Bigamy is illegal, so YANBU. His new wife would be in an extremely hard place if they split up and she found out she didn't have the legal protections of marriage.

I assume you were legally married, not just a religious ceremony with no legal status in this country.

Agreed. This needs to be reported for the sake of the new 'wife'.

Police and the relevant registrar's office, perhaps?

Ooorhead · 30/03/2025 18:43

Why do you keep ignoring whether your children have ever asked you whether divorced

they’re attending the ceremony?

pugilist · 30/03/2025 18:43

Great. Well done for checking. Ignoring the other rather reactive poster!

Zeb81 · 30/03/2025 18:43
  1. You need to contact the court you expected divorce papers from and get the status of your divorce. I assume he filed? You can do this direct or through your solicitor
  1. Depending on the response to the above, if a decree absolute is not granted or you cannot confirm it has been granted then you need to contact the registrar where the wedding is due to take place and let them know if you are or suspect you are still married, he will then be required to produce to them a decree absolute.

Do not contact him and ask your kids to be careful what they say

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 18:44

Riaanna · 30/03/2025 18:38

No it’s not. It’s only a legal marriage if it involves the legal part of it.

Show quote history

Wrong. A humanist (secular) ceremony conducted in Scotland, N.Ireland and the Republic of Ireland if conducted by a licenced celebrant is a valid marriage.

Religious and secular marriage ceremonies

Description of religious and secular marriage ceremonies and the rules that apply to all marriage ceremonies in Ireland.

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth-family-relationships/getting-married/religious-and-secular-marriage-ceremonies/

Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 18:46

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 18:44

Wrong. A humanist (secular) ceremony conducted in Scotland, N.Ireland and the Republic of Ireland if conducted by a licenced celebrant is a valid marriage.

Show quote history

You're literally agreeing

Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 18:46

Zeb81 · 30/03/2025 18:43

  1. You need to contact the court you expected divorce papers from and get the status of your divorce. I assume he filed? You can do this direct or through your solicitor
  1. Depending on the response to the above, if a decree absolute is not granted or you cannot confirm it has been granted then you need to contact the registrar where the wedding is due to take place and let them know if you are or suspect you are still married, he will then be required to produce to them a decree absolute.

Do not contact him and ask your kids to be careful what they say

More nonsense. Shes not divorced.

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 18:46

Ooorhead · 30/03/2025 18:43

Why do you keep ignoring whether your children have ever asked you whether divorced

they’re attending the ceremony?

Edited

Easy there, not everything is black and white.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 30/03/2025 18:47

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 18:26

I am in disbelief that anyone could think that being separated for any amount of time means two people are divorced.
Divorce is very expensive here, i prioritised and stupidly thought that when he got engaged a divorce was going to be his next move.Who gets engaged when they are married?

Show quote history

I had colleagues here (in Scotland) who got engaged before the divorce for the previous marriage was through. I always found that utterly bizarre.

(They're now married with an adult son.)

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 18:47

Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 18:42

This doesn't apply if you have a legal separation agreement. We don't know if OP does.

Show quote history

OP said

cannot say too much but i am tied to him financially through some archaic rule and i didnt and dont have the funds to divorce him.

Whatever that means.

Talkinpeace · 30/03/2025 18:47

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/03/2025 18:41

It's in OP's interests to get a divorce ASAP. OP cannot cut her spouse completely out of inheriting.

Your spouse or civil partner has a ‘legal right share’ to your estate. This means that they are entitled to benefit from your will, even if you do not provide for them in your will. Your children also may have entitlements.

If you have left a will, and your spouse or civil partner has never renounced or given up their rights to your estate, then they are entitled to a legal right share of your estate. This legal right share is:
R of I inheritance rules

Show quote history

No
because OP has already sorted out her will following the separation.

I do wish people would stop treating her like a child
she is clearly VERY clued up after escaping a vile situation

ByGoldDreamer · 30/03/2025 18:49

Deleted as just seen that op does have a valid will …so ,phew!