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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband getting married

663 replies

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 15:53

Separated 13 years, no contact since children came of age, separated as a result of dv. I was informed today that he is getting Married next week .
Should i inform someone in authority?
Aibu if i report him, i was delighted when he moved on so not upset he is getting married,but im astounded because we are not divorced!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Talkinpeace · 31/03/2025 18:24

He has to go and do the legal bit of marriage, so produce a decree absolute and his identification. He also has to answer questions about his life, and his family and “if you have been married before”.

Never seen that happen at weddings I've been to.

RampantIvy · 31/03/2025 18:27

Anne635 · 31/03/2025 18:24

I don't know where you are in the world, but in England being married to more than one person constitutes the offence of bigamy.

The OP has stated this more than once in her updates.

MagicalMystical · 31/03/2025 18:32

You sound like a strong, resilient, sensible woman.

You’ve had a shock with this news and I daresay it’s re-triggered the past trauma generated by this abusive man.

This news has materially nothing to do with you so you can simply continue as you were if you choose to do so. As you rightly say, the “new wife” is not your responsibility and neither is it your responsibility to uphold the law for your husband. Not your circus, not your monkeys. I mean yes, in another scenario you may choose to speak up, but you are understandably fearful of this man so absolutely I understand why you want to have as little to do with this as possible. And why should you eh? It’s his problem.

By the way, I know others have said this, but you can certainly in the UK (and I hope same in Ireland) change your name to your maiden name whenever you like, even whilst married, as that is the name on your birth certificate and has always been rightfully yours should you choose to adopt it (many these days never change it, do they?).

Anyway, to return to my original point: it sounds like you’ve had an understandable massive shock and have been re-triggered, so can you give yourself some peace, reassurance, and calm? Re-establish your feeling of safety and security?

Keep shining on - you do sound incredible.

Dogsbreath7 · 31/03/2025 18:36

ginnitonic · 30/03/2025 16:06

If you are in the UK you should ring 101 and report it to the police. You can get 7 years in prison for bigamy.

But it’s only bigamy if he is married so wait till after wedding.

I am surprised OP you haven’t divorced yourself- he inherits automatically unless you have a will. With DV why have any connection?

Grassisalotgreener · 31/03/2025 18:44

MagicalMystical
Thats was so nice of you, i have been very tearful and you are correct i have been re- triggered, did not sleep well last night.
Just because the abuser leaves the home doesn't always follow that they leave your head. Thankyou so much for the understanding and sympathetic message.
I will definitely be changing my name asap to get my own identity back.
Cannot express enough how nice that was to read, sincere thankyous and blessings you thoughtful human being.💚

OP posts:
GiraffeCup · 31/03/2025 18:46

ApolloandDaphne · 30/03/2025 16:42

A humanist ceremony is still a legal marriage.

No it's not.

It will be alongside a civil marriage.

Talkinpeace · 31/03/2025 18:47

Dogsbreath7 · 31/03/2025 18:36

But it’s only bigamy if he is married so wait till after wedding.

I am surprised OP you haven’t divorced yourself- he inherits automatically unless you have a will. With DV why have any connection?

Maybe read her posts and then all will be clear

GiraffeCup · 31/03/2025 18:47

Talkinpeace · 31/03/2025 18:24

He has to go and do the legal bit of marriage, so produce a decree absolute and his identification. He also has to answer questions about his life, and his family and “if you have been married before”.

Never seen that happen at weddings I've been to.

It doesn't happen at the ceremony,but the bit before when you register your intention to marry.

notatinydancer · 31/03/2025 18:48

Boredzebra · 30/03/2025 15:54

I thought after a period of time of no contact it means you’re divorced (I’m wrong)

Edited

No of course not. You have to get divorced.

Talkinpeace · 31/03/2025 18:48

GiraffeCup · 31/03/2025 18:47

It doesn't happen at the ceremony,but the bit before when you register your intention to marry.

He will have lied.
There is no way they could check.
Lying is what bigamists do after all.

GiraffeCup · 31/03/2025 18:48

You could go along, wait until the "dies anyone know of a reason why these two can't be married?" Bit and wave your marriage certificate in the air and say "yes, because he's married to me!"

Bring your own doof-doof sound track.

GiraffeCup · 31/03/2025 18:49

Talkinpeace · 31/03/2025 18:48

He will have lied.
There is no way they could check.
Lying is what bigamists do after all.

Well, yes. I was just saying that bit doesn't happen at the ceremony.

2Magpies24 · 31/03/2025 18:54

You don’t think this is some sort of trick to get you to engage with him/ file for divorce do you?

WearyAuldWumman · 31/03/2025 18:55

GiraffeCup · 31/03/2025 18:46

No it's not.

It will be alongside a civil marriage.

A humanist ceremony is legal in both Scotland and Ireland provided the correct paperwork has been filed. No need for a separate registrar marriage.

H0210zero · 31/03/2025 18:57

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 15:53

Separated 13 years, no contact since children came of age, separated as a result of dv. I was informed today that he is getting Married next week .
Should i inform someone in authority?
Aibu if i report him, i was delighted when he moved on so not upset he is getting married,but im astounded because we are not divorced!

I'd wait until he does the deed then inform police that way he'll get charged. If u stop him now he's technically not committed a crime yet

Whooowhooohoo · 31/03/2025 19:02

Related Story:
my parents are divorced, they were in America in 1960s and drove to Mexico for quickie divorce. The papers are in Spanish. My mother gave me the papers at some point and I forgot all about it,

At death of grandparent and father which were within a month, the divorce papers were required for inheritance. It was quite funny to see 1/2 sister’s blind panic at thinking she could not prove her parents were legally married and she could get cut out of inheritance. She is a C-F (she had wanted her inheritance “early” before the grandparents died) so was fun to see her frustrated greed on fire.

There can be implications of not being divorced …

Turned out that I did have the papers …

Grassisalotgreener · 31/03/2025 19:06

2Magpies24 · 31/03/2025 18:54

You don’t think this is some sort of trick to get you to engage with him/ file for divorce do you?

2Magpies24

You have something hit on something there. I was receiving harassing phone calls and texts last year regarding divorce papers.
Himself trying to go down his drunken memory lane and how "sad" it all came to an end, definitely his opinion i was absolutely delighted to see the back of him.
He kept at me for a period of over 5 hours, trying to have a sad conversation about the relationship finishing the way it did.
I didnt engage threatened to call the guards told him to send the bloody divorce papers asap.
Cut to finding out he is getting married next weekend after hearing or seeing nothing since.
Think he wanted sympathy and an understanding ear, also he thought i would be devastated. I wasnt and it pissed him off!

OP posts:
RandomWordsThrownTogether · 31/03/2025 19:10

Would he have forged your signature on divorce papers?

Kelly1969 · 31/03/2025 19:11

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 15:53

Separated 13 years, no contact since children came of age, separated as a result of dv. I was informed today that he is getting Married next week .
Should i inform someone in authority?
Aibu if i report him, i was delighted when he moved on so not upset he is getting married,but im astounded because we are not divorced!

I’d wait until he’s actually married!
actually getting married bigamistly is way worse than planning to marry!

BlackStrayCat · 31/03/2025 19:12

@2Magpies24 is bang on the money.

Grassisalotgreener · 31/03/2025 19:12

Also to add that i have been a little busy delving into things and understand that in ireland a couple can have a symbolic ceremony/ wedding that have no legal implications. Who knew! This has to be it, or bigamy.

OP posts:
Grassisalotgreener · 31/03/2025 19:14

Not a chance randomwordsthrowntogether as i would have to have my own solicitor, thats standard procedure.

OP posts:
Mittleme · 31/03/2025 19:19

Good question but might be due to legal costs but if he is getting married he should be paying to file for the divorce

NameWithChange · 31/03/2025 19:19

@Grassisalotgreener not sure if anyone has said this yet but you can most definitely and very easily change your name - divorced or not!

my divorce took forever as ex was awful and I got rid of his name years before it was all finally sorted. It was a HUGE relief. A solicitor can do it for you for a small fee and very quickly.

Stardust127 · 31/03/2025 19:19

That’s illegal (for him to get married whilst still legally married to you). if you know which town hall & borough/authority he gave notice to get married in, then you can contact them and inform them of the situation. You didn’t specify when he’s getting married but once he’s given notice to marry at the town hall, it will be publicly displayed and can be contested for 28 days . Sorry that you’re in such a messy situation.

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