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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband getting married

663 replies

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 15:53

Separated 13 years, no contact since children came of age, separated as a result of dv. I was informed today that he is getting Married next week .
Should i inform someone in authority?
Aibu if i report him, i was delighted when he moved on so not upset he is getting married,but im astounded because we are not divorced!

OP posts:
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Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 19:45

Cucy · 30/03/2025 19:43

I would stay out of it then.

If you think it’ll turn out bad for you or if it has no negative effects on your life and you don’t want to punish him, then I would stay right out of it.

He’ll get caught by one day.

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Not about punishing, i will be staying out of it. Thankyou.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 19:47

Nameychangington · 30/03/2025 19:02

Jesus no there was DV , OP isn't going to put herself in danger just to provide MN with drama!

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Have no intention of poking a bear.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 19:51

LongDarkTeatime · 30/03/2025 19:32

Just wanted to pop on and send you a hug OP.
It sounds like you have spent many years working hard to repair damage from this man’s behaviour. It must be hard to have him drawn back into your considerations in even a small way.
I have no advice but hope you find a peaceful way forward which suits you as soon as possible.
Take care of yourself x

Thankyou so much, that means a lot right now..much appreciated. X

OP posts:
MCCN · 30/03/2025 19:54

If you've told your adult children that you're still married, surely one of them will now ask their father what is going on? I totally understand why you don't want to be the one to rock the boat, but maybe one of your children will get some more information soon.

Lots of people tell guests they're "getting married" when legally they're not - it's actually just a blessing/non-legal ceremony that they're having.

User753175 · 30/03/2025 19:57

No advice, just sympathy, @Grassisalotgreener

Currently going through mediation in Ireland with a very angry man.

If you don't manage to get an agreement in mediation in Ireland the price of a divorce is insane. There aren't very many family law solicitors and the process is very difficult.

Ireland hasn't had legal divorce for very long and there isn't anything here like the CSA. It's a nightmare.

moose17 · 30/03/2025 20:01

Regretsmorethanafew

I know this may be hard to believe, but people are allowed to have opinions even go online to find out about other countries laws, politics and religions……. Even if we don’t live there. If you’re that touchy maybe MN Is not the best place for you

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 20:03

User753175 · 30/03/2025 19:57

No advice, just sympathy, @Grassisalotgreener

Currently going through mediation in Ireland with a very angry man.

If you don't manage to get an agreement in mediation in Ireland the price of a divorce is insane. There aren't very many family law solicitors and the process is very difficult.

Ireland hasn't had legal divorce for very long and there isn't anything here like the CSA. It's a nightmare.

Sorry you are experiencing this.
Mediation is a used as stick to beat the wife with, its a joke.
Yet the judge will not grant a legal separation if you havent taken part in the assault course.

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 30/03/2025 20:09

@Grassisalotgreener

I would recommend that you speak to a Family Law solicitor tomorrow, OP.

Would one in Dublin be suitable for you, or would you need one in a different part of Ireland?

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 30/03/2025 20:15

For the people advising the OP that she needs to inform the authorities etc you need to think about the fact that this was an abusive relationship. That she had to escape this man and that even her children were traumatised by what they went through.

So if she rocks the boat then she could be at risk.

If he is marrying someone else, then he is the criminal, the only person OP owes anything to is herself. She needs to stay safe. What this man does isn’t her problem. And neither is the woman he’s marrying. She needs to be responsible for herself.

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 20:18

My thoughts in a nutshell..thankyou.

OP posts:
Peachy2005 · 30/03/2025 20:22

Apologies if loads of ppl have already said this but it’s fairly common in Ireland to stop at legal separation and not bother getting the divorce - maybe it’s down to cost and/or some kind of a religious thing. Maybe after the hassle of mediation and getting the legal separation sorted, people just don’t want the extra bother unless they want to get married again. I’m not even sure people are as prone to remarrying in Ireland - I don’t know anyone personally who has remarried. My parents have had a legal separation since around 1990, my mum has been with her current partner (who is also separated) for the same amount of time - nobody seems bothered about not being divorced! Some of my aunties are similarly long-term separated (with new partners longer than the original spouses) but none are divorced…

My understanding is that all of the issues (property/finances/inheritance/ custody/access etc) have been settled at the point when the legal separation is granted so there is no reason to bother with the divorce except for being free to remarry (not in Catholic church though).

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 20:25

Its not in my best interests to involve myself any further than waiting and getting confirmation or not. Its not my problem if he breaks the law. My head is spinning with it all.

OP posts:
MN2025 · 30/03/2025 20:25

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 16:05

He is getting married next week and i have had no divorce papers, im informed that you have to notify authorities 3 months in advance, so that doesnt add up.
Unless it is a non legal promise type of thing, yeah i feel sorry for the lady in question , because we are 100 % still married.

13 years is a very long time. If I was a victim of DV then I’d have been pressing for divorce back in 2012/2013 not have it still going on in 2025 unless you were waiting for him to die and you inherit his estate.

Baguettecat · 30/03/2025 20:27

Ooorhead · 30/03/2025 17:03

Op he has well and truly moved on clearly

will your children be attending?

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Sadly this may\ may not mean that he wouldn't want to punish Op if there's history of dv.

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 20:30

Absolutely correct, i would say its the cost. He wasnt in my life and that suits me fine.
Thankyou for the confrmation that i arent in the minority.

OP posts:
Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 20:32

moose17 · 30/03/2025 20:01

Regretsmorethanafew

I know this may be hard to believe, but people are allowed to have opinions even go online to find out about other countries laws, politics and religions……. Even if we don’t live there. If you’re that touchy maybe MN Is not the best place for you

They can have opinions, sure. But we're dealing in facts here, and they can't have their own facts.

If you want to have your own opinions on laws you don't understand, maybe MN is not the best place for you.

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 30/03/2025 20:32

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 19:09

Thankyou!
I have only ever read on here never posted or commented, it would help if posts were read fully before commenting, just saying.
Some very helpful and useful comments also, hadnt thought of some scenario's , much appreciated.

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You will find it happens a lot on mumsnet. People often do not read things properly. I've had so many people with their smug "aha! gotcha!" comments when the answer has been clearly explained in the OP.

Original poster
Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 20:32

MN2025 · 30/03/2025 20:25

13 years is a very long time. If I was a victim of DV then I’d have been pressing for divorce back in 2012/2013 not have it still going on in 2025 unless you were waiting for him to die and you inherit his estate.

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You would priorise paying a solicitor over putting food on the table and heat in the house...Estate my arse.🤣

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 30/03/2025 20:33

You have to find out where they're getting married and when the minister gets to the part that says "if anyone knows of any lawful impediment why this couple cannot be joined in matrimony, then speak now or forever hold your peace", you can really make their day ....

Regretsmorethanafew · 30/03/2025 20:33

MN2025 · 30/03/2025 20:25

13 years is a very long time. If I was a victim of DV then I’d have been pressing for divorce back in 2012/2013 not have it still going on in 2025 unless you were waiting for him to die and you inherit his estate.

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Again, yes I have no idea what you're talking about

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 30/03/2025 20:33

You do know that he's still entitled to half of everything you have (and vice versa)

TheSquareMile · 30/03/2025 20:33

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 20:25

Its not in my best interests to involve myself any further than waiting and getting confirmation or not. Its not my problem if he breaks the law. My head is spinning with it all.

It would be beneficial for you be advised on your position by a solicitor, though, I would have thought.

I'm wondering whether you are about to be sent the paperwork which would be required for divorce proceedings to begin.

If so, you would at least have someone who could give you further advice.

orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements · 30/03/2025 20:34

MN2025 · 30/03/2025 20:25

13 years is a very long time. If I was a victim of DV then I’d have been pressing for divorce back in 2012/2013 not have it still going on in 2025 unless you were waiting for him to die and you inherit his estate.

Show quote history

Yes, did you not read the bit where she said he left her penniless

Baguettecat · 30/03/2025 20:38

Grassisalotgreener · 30/03/2025 20:25

Its not in my best interests to involve myself any further than waiting and getting confirmation or not. Its not my problem if he breaks the law. My head is spinning with it all.

It is not your responsibility to tell anyone if you are afraid. If you want to know if he in fact has filed for divorced alreadypapers went to wrong address etc then you can take your certificate to check. If you don't even want to do that then don't. This is entirely your choice, regardless of differing opinions.

If he has invited his children then he may have declared his marriage already, and you are now divorced without knowing

Also you can change your name back to your own family one without getting divorced like change on passport then banks etc.

BlueMum16 · 30/03/2025 20:39

daisychain01 · 30/03/2025 20:33

You have to find out where they're getting married and when the minister gets to the part that says "if anyone knows of any lawful impediment why this couple cannot be joined in matrimony, then speak now or forever hold your peace", you can really make their day ....

Did you miss that the OP left due to DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?