Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

It’s her home!!!! The OP

@Commonsense22

”Wrappers? Yep, most parents pick them up.”

Well, that’s on you if your teens can’t put a wrapper in the bin. It shouldn’t be the norm. I saw this happen in my ex-mil’s house…her children in their 20s continued living at home and they didn’t pick up their rubbish and were messy pigs, she was a domestic slave to them. I was in a relationship with one who behaved the same way while we lived together, he is now an ex.

I vowed that I did not want my children to be this way. Consequently, I’ve taught mine little things like putting shoes on the rack when coming home, putting wrappers in the bin, wiping up little spills- he’s 6 years old and does it automatically, yes he forgets sometimes but you must try to teach them a basic level of respect from a young age.

You are vulnerable when you have needs and having a partner is a need, hence being ready to put up with what you find intolerable. You needed to find your anger and limit of tolerance but instead you are sad and cry.

Luckily he has gone and you are much better off without him and them. There was a wide gulf between you where you should have been unified, harmonious partners. Naturally you are upset and shocked by this abrupt change in your life and it will take time for bruises to heal but you are well rid of him and now understand yourself better than you did before.

Please do not relent and invite him back no matter how bad you feel currently about what has happened. If you do eventually decide you want someone in your life, which is a good aspiration, make sure you are discerning and clear about what you want from the start and do not take just anyone for the sake of not being alone.

Well done, you stood up to him and yes, you were completely reasonable. As a mum of teenage boys, I can honestly say nice kids do not behave like this, as they are told by their responsible parents that this behaviour is unacceptable. They then improve. My kids bedrooms are messy, but they help tidy up the house when asked, eat at the table, help with the washing/bins etc, are polite, and will speak to adults with respect. They and their friends would never behave as you describe.
Your partner knows his kids are horrible and he knows it's his parenting at fault, so he behaved like this as he had been caught out.
You'll be much happier without him. It will be a horrible shock for you, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Work on finding some good friends, some people who appreciate you and build you up. You sound very tolerant and kind. I'd love someone like you as a friend. I found my best friends through volunteering, you might too. Nice people do nice things for others.

You don’t need to give up on relationships, just learn to be more discriminating.

The behaviour you describe is bullying, and at a guess i’d say these kids get it from their dad, because from what you say about trauma I imagine he has bullied you, too.

Please don’t let him come back. He doesn’t love or respect you.

So how do you explain the boy being caught scratching OPs glasses

It sounds like he is behaving like a teenager too

and therein lies the problem..what chance do the kids have!

good for you to start the conversation on appropriate boundaries and structure in the home

Oh god, no.

I bet he’ll be back.

Tell him to stay gone and to focus his time on making up for the 14 years of no parenting he has inflicted on his kids and everyone around them.

Stay strong, OP. Better times ahead, without a doubt.

His kids were not just being kids. Most teens aren't rude like this. If there is a no eating in lounge rule most will respect that rule. It's not normal to put a second TV on if adults are watching a film. It's not normal to shout that's boring or that's gay at adult choices. If you really believe this is normal behaviour I dread to think what your kids are like. I've got foster DC and they have been through a lot in their past lives but they don't behave like this. They are told they have to share the TV so they will get to choose a program but then it will be someone else's turn and they don't shout that's boring or gay. They join in with a family walk sometimes too without complaining. We show the DC respect and expect them to show respect to us in return. It sounds to me like constantly gaming is one of the problems with these DC and the fact the Dad doesn't parent them. I'd say good riddance to him and his disrespectful DC.

They all sound horrible TBH. I’d have thought you’d be better off without the lot of them.

I'm concerned that nearly 10% of people are saying you're being unreasonable! Does that really mean that 10% of kids behave like this?
That's awful! And explains Adolescence on Netflix.
Parents - it's not an easy job, it takes effort to make a kid into a decent human being, a lot of effort, and it starts with love, saying no, and setting some standards, and giving out praise when it's due, and telling them you're proud of them, because you really are because you put the work in.

Sounds like the best thing for everyone. Also, probably missing the point but why do you have two TVs in the lounge!? And why didn’t you move there consoles to their bedrooms so they’re not gaming and taking over the lounge everytime they visit?

Exactly right if you bring DC up well they do not behave like his DC did. He should have been calling them out.

Not enough room to do that, hence the lounge

Op, what will you do if he comes back?

Putting your children first means making sure you put their NEEDS first, not letting them do whatever they want. They have all behaved appallingly and you are well shot of them.

Speaking as a childless woman i would never put up with this shit and would rather be on my own One of the reasons the birth rate is falling is because women are looking at men like this and thinking no fucking way

Stepmom here and I inherited mine at the same age. They pushed all the boundaries, broke all the rules and displayed normal teenage behaviour. They were always my DH’s first priority and became mine to but never would he allow them to disrespect me. Putting your children first is not about allowing them to be disrespectful and break rules but about taking the time to understand why they are behaving in that manner and parenting them to be better human beings. I am now the proud mother to two amazing adult “children” but like any family we still have moments. You deserve far more from him and them.

moving himself in without discussion

He's a totally disrespectful and boundary pushing awful human being, how can his children be any better?

I don't know how a bloke can move in by stealth, it would be instant dumpable offence in my book. I really hope you get rid of him for good @innersilentscreams

At least for today, either put the door chain on or turn the key and keep it in the door on the inside so he can't just let himself back in. This is assuming that he hasn't left his keys when he departed, as the definitive sign that he isn't coming back..

As pp have said, OP, don't be swayed by half arsed attempts at getting round you like 'have you got over your hissy fit yet?' Do not let him gaslight you. If you don't like living like this, there should at the very least be an attempt to compromise. He sounds like he's just told you to put up and shut up all along.

So what message does that send them? You can treat women like shit because...sorry my old man (or even my mother) would have belted me for just one of those acts (I grew up in the 70s/80s)
Throwing food in a cafe so you have to leave. Not letting your patent/step parent watch tv. Eating when expressly told not to in the room...Christ I am glad I've not me your kids

How can there not be room to mount a small TV on the wall in their bedroom? But even if somehow that’s the case why two TVs in the lounge? Surely they can cope with one and either learn to either take turns or play a two player game. You’re kind of asking for one to game whilst you watch TV if you have two TVs in the room. If for some reason things don’t end up being over you need to look at how the household is set up as part of trying to solve these issues.

Christ, they sound like Kevin and Perry. And I cannot believe the amount of PPs saying it’s normal for teenagers. It isn’t. We’ve had four in this house and not one of them is this disrespectful. In fact I don’t know any who are. Expecting such low standards from them explains a lot about teenagers and youth in general.
His hissy fit sounds like he’s as fed up with them as you are but he’s taking it out on you. You pulling it up has highlighted his inability to parent and it’s probably pissed him off. You’ve dodged the proverbial there.

Thank you for such lovely words. I always try to be as kind as I can, and have a 'helper' personality. Volunteering sounds perfect, thank you for the suggestion xx