Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

You don’t have to write off the whole sex. But you do have to assert yourself at the beginning to frighten off the wankers. Set a very high value on yourself and your happiness. You should never change yourself or bend to accommodate a man.

To his parents....who complained about the kids ignoring them and running upstairs to play video games whenever they stayed over before they started staying at mine......

It sounds like your mother has brought you up to believe that a man (and his kids) come before you, every single time.

Have you ever had any counselling?

Also, the fact he doesn’t even pull his kids up on using “gay” as a slur!! It just shows how little effort he put in to ensuring his children grow up to be decent people. I’m 27 and I remember knowing that it was wrong to use “gay” as an insult well before the age of 10.

Seriously, I think you’re lucky in a way that you’ve escaped having to deal with the people they will become.

Well this is perfect validation for you. You’ve dodged three awful bullets.

bloody hell - you let your teenagers get away with all that?
no.
if the house rule is "no eating in the lounge" then there is no eating in the lounge
my teenagers never dropped a wrapper on purpose, especially expecting me or their dad to pick it up. If it was an accident, i may have picked it up, or told them and they would have.

Shouting on their games in the lounge? of someone else's house? nope i would never put up with that. They would have been in their room, and if too noisy the router would have been switched off

Snot on the sofa? first time they would be scrubbing it. 2nd time? they would have all been out on their ears.

Homophobic slurs? Not on my watch. From ANYONE

lucky escape, OP. The good news is, not all teenagers are feral brats.

It isn't a 'nuts' rule at all. I had this rule in my house and my adult children have it in theirs. They can eat in the kitchen or dining room and can take snacks up to their bedrooms

Either he's doing what he should - by putting his kids first which doesn't work for your relationship- or he's being insensitive - by ignoring your expectations and boundaries, which doesn't work for your relationship.

So, if it's the former, then surely the relationship's over?

And if its the latter, then surely the relationship's over?

If he left, where is he? Does he have another property he can go to?

Get rid, get rid, get rid! That level of disdain and disrespect is unbearable.

Oh God, tell him to fuck off and take his spiteful, feral kids with him. No one should put up with that.

I see now he went to his parents. Honestly op, it appears as though he has treated you like a doormat. Reclaim your life.

'Reading in between the lines it does sound like you are very precious about your home in a way that is simply not compatible with children'

I think the OP's standards are just fine, and it's yours that are the problem

He could have tried to find a compromise with you, to empathise with how you’re feeling and maybe suggesting a few changes to make everyone in the household feel happy.
But no, he got angry and aggressive while “standing up” for his kids’ poor manners.
I think ending this relationship is the best outcome for you, op, none of them cared about you. Big hugs, you deserve better than this. Do something nice for yourself soon 💐

I'm glad you're done with him @innersilentscreams

He really is a sack of shit.

If you've time do let us know when he starts to beg and grovel , we could all mock his pathetic behaviour together.

Agreed! I think the OP can do a lot better than a man who cannot house his own children. A grown man with dependants leeching off his elderly parents is not a good look!

Be prepared for

"I really didn't realise how much it bothered you
I miss you so much
The kids miss you so much
I've had a word with them and they'll behave better
I want to come home"

"Sling your hook mate and take your feral kids with you" is clearly the only response needed if he tries to wheedle his way back in.

Don't let them back @innersilentscreams including the ex. They're more than capable of following some simple house rules, shout on their headsets in their rooms and behave appropriately in restaurants they're choosing not too.

Now the I'm bored and moaning about days out are pretty normal behaviour but the rest you shouldn't be putting up with.

if you take the partner back you'll be accepting all behaviour going forward and apologising for asking for respect. Don't do it.

Agree. Op has been a saint to put up with it for so long and shouldn't be angrily shut down for even bringing up a valid concern.

Please change the locks. Otherwise, he'll just swan in as if nothing has happened.

Good for you, OP! Don't accept him back - he's a useless lump who doesn't respect you and is teaching his kids it's ok to no respect you either. Your home should be your sanctuary. Don't take him back!

Well done for getting rid. You're well out of a relationship with a man who thinks it's ok to treat you like shit and (by not disciplining them), allowing his sons to do the same. Guarantee that when those boys become men they will have red flags coming out of their ears when it comes to relationships.

Hold firm. He is testing to see if you will beg him to come back. Once he realises you mean it about having boundaries around acceptable behaviour and respect, he has two choices. Stay gone or start parenting. Make him be the one to beg, and you be the one to decide if you want him back. On your terms.

This ^ @RatandToad is spot on. The snarling alone would have me changing the locks.

To my mind, they've been trying to drive you away. In this case, I think that you're right to give them what they want - they and their feckless father can leave your home.

I think people are overestimating your dickhead boyfriend, OP. He'll just try and slink back in later and ask you if you've calmed yourself down. I'm not joking - change the locks. Lovely mothers day present for his parents, rocking up at their house ready to treat them like crap all over again.

If these kids were friends with my kid and visiting my home they would be packed off back to their own parents. But while visiting kids may sometimes test your boundaries no they do not go this far, if only because I'd put a stop to it long before they had the chance to do all of this.

kids coming first means maybe you let them have food in the lounge sometimes and maybe you take it in turns to pick a film. When you go out maybe it's a theme park or zoo instead of a restaurant so they can run around and work off their energy. But if you are watching something else they cant continually make a noise. If they make a mess they clean it up. If they deliberately scratched glasses their would be consequences - phone or games taken away, pocket money stopped to pay for it. Wiping snot on things should have been stamped out long ago, there would be severe consequences for that.

They would never be taken for a meal if they couldnt behave and again consequences for bad behaviour.

They are brats and he needs to step up and parent them.