Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

They sound awful. I couldn't cope with any of that. You'll be far better off without them and him. He is a really shit parent.

So he and they have been living in your home? If so he'll come crawling back soon or move back in with his ex - it's always one or the other. Don't cave in!

@innersilentscreams

I know it probably doesn't feel like it now, but this is the best thing that could have happened to you. You would have spent your entire life angry and upset. And terribly unhappy.

Just try to regroup yourself and start to feel the peace and calm in your home. Realize that from now on it can be kept clean, your belongings won't be damaged, and you won't be a skivvy to this man and his children. And think of the money you'll probably save!

If he calls and 'graciously offers' to come back 'because you've learnt your lesson', just tell him no, thank you.

Whatever belongings he/his DC have there can be returned to him in due course. Once you've caught your breath and can have someone with you when he comes. Oh, and change your locks, or if you or someone you know is handy with DIY just change out the barrels. Much cheaper.

It's shocking a mother has such a low bar for her daughter.

Keep them gone @innersilentscreams .

Wonder how long it will take him to ‘let you apologise and him agree to take you back’ as that’s how he’ll frame it.

yes his kids should come first, but he should also be teaching them about respecting people and their belongings. Doesn’t matter that it’s your house, they should be respecting it if it was their own house.

he’s done you a favour in the long run. Change the locks

Good for you for saying something finally. You might not see it now but it is a very good thing that he has left.
Your ex partner is a shockingly bad parent. He may think that he is being a good parent by putting the DC first or whatever he has in his mind but he is useless and lazy and has allowed them to turn into absolute brats. Of course children can be messy, selfish and say hurtful things but these children clearly have not had boundaries established and that is a parenting problem. My DC have done and still do similar things at times (not the deliberately damaging your glasses type things though) but they are reminded to tidy up and will then do so, are reminded to not shout so loudly when gaming that they disturb others or given time limits, etc, This is just normal parenting.

Yes, your mother is bonkers. No wonder you have such low standards.

Tell him I don't want him to stay, and to go. He actually pulled this shit on my birthday once- the walking out. It was a drunken row and I can't remember what about- nothing probably, and he did exactly the same: 'I'm packing my bags and leaving' dramatically....and like a knob I messaged him the next day and told him we needed to talk.
I can remember thinking why the fuck is he flouncing off instead of just being reasonable?
Well, he's done it again this time.
I won't be messaging him to talk, rest assured.

All I did was point out the behaviours upset me as they feel disrespectful and rude towards me, and instead of saying he could see why and let's work out a solution because that's fair, or at least say yes I can see it looks that way/I understand why you might feel that way, he got angry said THEY'RE CHILDREN, and, hilariously when I pointed out the youngest one was again eating in the lounge, 'HE'S ONLY 11'!!!!
Only 11 FFS. I said yes, he's 11, he's not 2 years old; he knows he's not meant to eat in there but he doesn't care, because he doesn't respect me or my home, and thus said he would never be bringing the kids round again. So over dramatic!

@innersilentscreams @Inmydreams88 ’The kids are just being kids’ - are you SERIOUS??!! Wiping snot and food residue on her sofa at 11 and 14?? Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes so they are asked to leave?? Can’t believe so many of you think this is in any way normal for kids of this age. 2 and 4 maybe, but this is appalling. Good for you op - I wouldn’t put up with that kind of behaviour. You’re well rid of them all. If they’re like that at this age what will be be like a few years down the line?

That’s not typical teen/ tween behaviour- it’s deliberately disrespectful, and it happened because your ex was a shitty father who couldn’t be arsed to parent adequately.

Your mother is entirely wrong - he’s not putting the children first, because if he was he’d be teaching them to behave respectfully in a family home. They’ll grow up normalising the entitled, stroppy behaviour that their father displays.

Ex has done you a huge favour in moving out. Change the locks as soon as you possibly can- otherwise he will move himself back in as soon as he realises that you ‘re not complying with his expectations, and you won’t be begging him to come back.

Good riddance.

He's taken advantage of you and your home, as have his disgusting children.
He moved himself in?!
You have actually caught them damaging your things deliberately and he gaslights you by saying they didn't do it?!
They ignore your simple rules?!
They shout homophobic insults in your living room?!

And you're the bad one here?

Nope. He is a terrible parent and partner and you are well rid.
If you think he has a key, change the locks.

You are well rid of these people , i don't care that they are children they are malicious and you will never be able to relax in your own home,you will be forever 'on guard' and will never be shown the respect you deserve.
Even worse when their father does not see what they are capable of.
You will never be his priority with his attitude to parenting and i imagine this will only get worse the older and more manipulative they become.
I see reminders of my own experience of being a step mother ,thankfully now grown and a mother herself ,but the difference for me was that i had a partner,
now husband who could see what his child was capable of and handled things so much better.
I hope things work out for you .

The First Wives Club are easy to spot!!

You sound like a lovely, kind person.
Firstly, this man is about to find out what a pain in the arse his kids are. Let him wipe their snot on him.
Secondly, you aren’t well rid of him. Please don’t take him back. He doesn’t appreciate you or the home you have provided.
Three, you’ve had a tough time in relationships. It’s easy to say never again, but they aren’t all arseholes.
It is time for you to heal, reclaim your home and life instead of running around after this man and his kids.
So many women go from one traumatic relationship to another without understanding why. This is not judge, it’s from experience.
With a low bar, poor confidence and lack of boundaries, you will attract knobheads. And each one gets worse until you think - no more.
You are 39 with many more years to go. It is time to get your life back and do things you enjoy.
This man may want to come back please don’t let him.

You will soon be glad he and his feral, snot nosed brats have left for good.

💯 he will try and worm his way back in, do NOT let him.

Bag up his stuff and drop it off to wherever he is planning to cocklodge next.

Who cares what’s the right for this feral family, they are each other’s problem now. Good riddance to them.

Has he though?

The right thing for his kids is to teach them that different people have different rules and you need to respect everyone around them. What happens when they have to house share when they are older? Housemates wouldn’t put up with all that behaviour.

Going nuclear and leaving just tells them they can behave however they like and he will always allow that. My daughter knows when she goes to other relatives homes, the rules might be different. She’s known this since she was very young. That’s an important thing to teach people.

The right thing for him to do would be to talk about which rules she feels are important (cleaning up after yourself, not wiping snot everywhere, set times for gaming and when the TV is on, be considerate to others) and which she could let go (movie nights etc). That’s putting his children first because he would be doing some parenting.

That would be for the kids FATHER to do not the OP

I agree @Snorlaxo . I have older teenagers and if they behaved this way, I’d tell them that their behavior was disrespectful and needed to stop.

Teaching your children to be polite and respectful towards other ppl is a key part of parenting-it’s not the easiest part and he’s obviously not prepared to do it.

I feel sorry for his children, he’s not doing them any favors.

You are lovely and you deserve better. I can’t wait for when you find it and how happy you’ll be!

I'd just be glad I could hear the TV again and have a normal life.

Get rid of him and his vile homophobic kids.

This x10000

He wanted the proverbial “nanny with a fanny” and couldn’t give a shit about respecting you.

I would agree apart from that the kids father doesn’t have a problem with the kids behaviour so it doesn’t sound like he’s likely to see a need to change anything and OP has stated several times it’s her house, not shared, so it seems reasonable that even if her DP won’t tackle the kids behaviour she can decide to get rid of one of the two TVs in the lounge and make other changes to counteract the kids behaviour.

Obviously in an ideal world she simply won’t take this man back, but I’ve been on Mumsnet long enough to know in more cases than not these useless men manage to crawl their way back into the same situations which got them kicked out in the first place and women just keep complaining about it without doing anything to change it.

You are well rid and its likely you wouldn't have got hi out on your own so be glad he did it for you.

someone who moves in discreetly is a red flag.

You should get the locks changed tomorrow, pack his stuff up and drop it at his parents. do not let him back in the house to "drop you to work"

Rooting for you OP!