Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

It is her house only.

Not liking the rule does not entitle them to ignore it.

Get rid of him. Honestly.

I will bet he will be worming his way back in soon enough. He needs to stay gone. You dodged a bullet although I can understand you feel sad. You've been used.

I have tween and teen boys who ignore a no food in the lounge rule and can be on devices quite loudly and would be annoyed if i tried to drag them off screens but I do it anyway, claim things are boring if it's not what they want to do, they have damaged my house but not deliberately. They aren't always rude or obnoxious. They get told off for doing things they shouldn't.

Sounds like your ex wasn't willing to give his kids any boundaries and life shouldn't be so unpleasant for you when they are there.

I agree with someone else that it is the extreme end of normal. Kids do make a mess and they do prefer time with their friends online rather than family bike rides especially if a step parent is involved but it does not sound very fun for you.
My boyfriend of 3 years has a 12 year old son who is much better behaved than the children you describe but there is no way I could live with him as there are other things that he does that I just couldn’t be around. Things his child do that I think are unacceptable my partner thinks are fine or even cute.

im sure he feels the same about my kids although we are both always polite to all the children. I think it’s slack/ bad parenting with your partner but there is nothing you can do as the step parent so if it’s too much for you to put up with then it’s for the best that he has left. They aren’t going to respect you because it’s your house because children don’t care whose house it is.

Aside from the children’s behaviour (which isn’t acceptable), it’s an odd choice for 1 partner with 2 children to move in with the other who has none. I don’t think it’s fair on the childless partner or the children.

I think it’s great he has moved out, OP. I’d give it some space and then decide what you want to do. But he is the one who needs to provide suitable housing for his children. Keep your home as your clean and sacred sanctuary

Yep- he got angry/annoyed straightaway. I was only saying how I felt, and he just reacted like that and almost shouted THEY'RE CHILDREN, in a snarled tone, as if I was stupid. It was odd. I explained that the youngest one eating in the lounge and slopping the food everywhere was not respectful, considering he has been told please don't eat in the lounge many times. He then sarcastically said sorry.

Congratulations on getting rid of that bunch of bastards, enjoy your lovely new life! Some people on here really need to raise their standards - the second someone used 'gay' as an insult in my house, they'd be sitting on the kerb swiftly followed by their belongings in a bin bag.

Yes kids are loud
yes kids break things
yes kids can be selfish
yes kids are obsessed with gaming
yes kids complain alot

but

No they don’t ignore you in your own home
No they don’t just ignore house rules
No they don’t complain all through a movie once told to stop
no they don’t video game when having a movie night or family time.

Your ex (I hope) is the problem. These children are old enough to follow rules and be respectful. They are not doing it because their dad allows them to behave the way they are.

please don’t let him back in.

You’re better off without him and his kids.

My 6 year old boy isn’t exactly an angel, but he would behave much better than how you’ve explained the 11 and 14 year old’s behaviour. They lack respect because he’s too afraid to parent them, and that’s dangerous for everyone.

Bet hes on a dating site by the end of the week looking for the next nanny with a fanny
Im child free by choice and would never date a man with kids

I think the issue here is he can’t patent and you for one reason it the other didn’t make your feelings known . If my step kids are over and they do anything you describe I have no sujes telling gel off them and there . My partner will support me and tell them off too . There will be no disrespecting anyone in my home , step kids , kids or anyone else who is in my house .
You need to make your feelings known to them in front of their father . If he doesn’t like it then honestly your relationship is doomed.
blended families are hard work , you can make them work well but you both need to be on the sam page .
there is no way hubby would allow his kids to get away with that behaviour , he is disgraceful!

That is not normal behaviour for 11 and 14 year olds. I’m not surprised that you snapped. I would not put up with that level of disrespect from my children or stepchildren (I don’t have stepkids but even so). Maybe you’re better off out of it. Your step kids were lucky to have you and haven’t appreciated it.

Please let him and his kids go, get some therapy to deal with your issues around people pleasing and lack of assertiveness and go on to have a wonderful life.

For step families to work, the parent needs to be emotionally mature. Your ex (which is hopefully what he stays) is emotionally immature. He is not parenting his own children because he is fearful and weak. His children will go on to be disrespectful, dysfunctional members of any family they end up in because this kind of behaviour was excused and normalised. His children should come first before a relationship but that doesn't mean leaving them floundering with no behavioural boundaries or consequences.

But as you know. You can not parent his children. You have no control over the behaviour of him or his children. Which is why you need to let him and the kids go.

OP he is the one who has forced the issue, not you

All you asked, very reasonably, is they treat you and your house with basic respect. That's the same you'd ask of a random stranger visiting your house, or kids' friends, nieces/nephews etc.
HE has decided his kids will no longer come unless they are allowed to act like rude little shits
HE has decided that he will no longer come if his kids can't.

He could have compromised and amended his kids behaviour, or kept the relationship with you going while living in his own place, but because you didn't lie down to be walked over he threw his toys out of the pram.

There are lots of options out there (if you still want another relationship) - men without kids, men with older kids who won't need to stay with you, men with well behaved kids or at the bare minimum kids who are disciplined when they misbehave! You don't have to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

Apart from anything else, I am shocked that kids in 2025 think it's okay to use 'gay' as an insult, I remember telling my sister off for that nearly 20 years ago! A 14 year old should know far better than that.

Absolutely. I am upset with him, not them, really. Of cousre they are going to pull all this shit if he just ignores it/lets it slide. I would never flip on my partner and make them feel bad for even raising that they feel the kids disrespect the house and wouldn't it be nice if they actually didn't ignore them and they watched a movie together.

I don't think I was asking for that much.
I'm just shocked at him thinking it all was ok to keep continuing that way.

OP, your ex partner's life is likely going to be more difficult now since he will need to find somewhere to live which is suitable for his children and he won't have a partner to absorb the the various stresses and inconveniences caused by his children.

From your description he sounds like someone who is unable to compromise or back down and so is likely to want to blame you for the extra difficulty in his life.
It might be best to be factual and businesslike if he does contact you, engage as little as possible, do it by email and not in real time etc.

It IS her house. He moved in without discussing it with her and then tried to not pay anything. And then he let his rude kids trash her home.

He’s a cocklodging arsehole.

Good riddance to them all. If your ex tries to come back, whatever you do, don’t let him.

That is NOT normal behaviour and if any of my kids behaved like that, they wouldn't sit down for a week. Disgusting behaviour and from their father and grandmother's reaction, I can guess where they learnt it from. Just be glad you didn't have children with him to turn out so ill mannered.

I find it quite interesting that he's engaging in this power play with you. Clearly he's confident he'll win. If he thought for one second that he wouldn't be allowed to come back after his little strop, and that he wouldn't be able to have his kids there treating it like some doss house, he wouldn't have stormed out like that. He probably thinks you'll be begging him to come back.

If you changed the locks and just ghosted him right now - hypothetically - where would he go and where would his kids go when they stayed with him?

I'm so done with men. I don't want another relationship I don't think.
My ex husband was an arsehole, the guy after that was a user who was addicted to porn, and now this one.
I think I'm done🤣

Also, yes, I too am shocked that GAY is back as an insult.
It's the youngest one, not the eldest who especially uses it, to be fair.
Mind boggling.

@PsychoHotSauce indeed. He's a cocky sod isn't he?

He clearly thinks the op is a doormat. Or that they'll be women queuing up to host his kids if he's not welcome back.

But it is her house. There was no discussion about him moving in, he wormed his way in by stealth. Sure, some things are normal behaviour for badly brought up children, but deliberately breaking her things and wiping snot on her furniture. Really!

He snarled and reacted angrily because he is a terrible parent, who now has to find somewhere to house them on his access days.

My guess is that he will beg for another chance, that the children miss her desperately, and that he will ensure that the bad behaviour will cease (it won't).

I hope OP will stand firm and reclaim her life. He is not a good man. The snarling alone is a good reason for the relationship to end, and I think with time and space alone to reflect, there will be countless other red flags that will come to mind.

Yes, maybe kids should come first more often than not, but that includes taking responsibility for making sure they know how to behave! Painful though it may be for now you are better off without this lot. They were lucky to have you but you deserve better.