Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

It absolutely is family upheaval, to have the kids - still young btw - visiting someone else's home in order to see their dad. (Their behaviour being a separate issue and his to deal with.)
It's why nested parenting is advised. So the burden of the upheaval falls less onto the children. In a better scenario, the dad would spend his weekends with them in their home, not the home of a woman that he's decided he's sharing. But then she'd never have found out what a twat he is, so swings and roundabouts.

And obviously nested parenting isn't possible for most people, but this guy hasn't even tried to get a home for himself so he can give a measure of security to his kids when he sees them. But god having done it as a kid, seeing a parent in various other homes that weren't theirs: you make the best of it but it isn't relaxing at all.

It always comes back to bite the kids in these situations; even when they haven’t been given a chance, they are always the ones expected to step up their behaviour. It’s a bit heartbreaking really. No-one wants to be a snot-smearing brat in an ideal world

Which is on HIM He can go to an HA like i suggested before

We’re not in an ideal world, and they’re clearly enjoying targeting OP and disrespecting her home.

Considering the behavior, they should be expected to step it up to at the very least a minimum standard.

I believe you’ve either misread, or quoted the wrong person.

Who said it wasn’t?

Do you work OP? friends? Socialise independently of him?

It’s not going to work out op.
They do sound very rude.

My relationship ended over a very similar argument. They will ALWAYS make excuses for their badly behaved kids.

No kids are not all like that. My own isn't and wouldn't have dared do half the stuff his kids did in my house. I honestly wouldn't date a man with kids under 20 now .
Well rid and not worth it. He's shown you how much he values you and your opinions

WTF- I can't believe that they did that to your cat!!! You are so best off out of that!! xx

I wouldnt even date a man with grown up kids given that grandparents are expected to do childcare now while the parents work. Its obvious that the step grandmother will be roped in as well

Update:

Just returned from work and am looking at local locksmiths.
He has been messaging general messages (two today, just saying he hoped I hada good day etc).
I haven't engaged.
He still hasn't apologised for how he got angry and completely dismissed my feelings plus minimised the reality of his boys' awful behaviour.
I wodner if he really is expecting me to 'cool off' and then ask to talk.
I'm not.

At work today, I kept replaying the conversation we had Saturday night, in case I over reacted, but I know all I did was express how I was feeling upset about things that are disrespecting my house, real things they were actually doing again that weekend, and my boyfriend was choosing to ignore.

I keep holding onto those facts, plus I also don't make a fuss about things- I;ve held this in so long, something finally made me snap (the gay comments, the terrified cat, the dropped plastic bottle for the second weekend, just left there for me to pick up, the messy eating again in the front room, despite the rule- only put in place due to them scattering crisps, sweets etc and mashing them into rugs, sides of chairs; you get the picture)....so it had gotten to the point I couldn't tolerate it any longer. It just got too much and I thought: How is this fucking mess actually my life? Why am I allowing this shit to continue?

Instead of listening and trying to find a solution, it was anger, dismissal and denial I weas met with, and then a threat to never bring them round again, followed by him also packing his bags....

None of how he responded was healthy, was it?
I rationally know this.

I'm sad, yes, but determined to prioritse my happiness (and my cat's!).

xx

Well done @innersilentscreams.

I’d bookmark this thread if you ever feel you’re going to waver, to remind you that you’re right, and you’re strong.

Good luck!

I'm sad, yes, but determined to prioritse my happiness (and my cat's!).

Pleased to hear it.

And you know-so what if you had overreacted?

It can happen, you apologise & move on.

You can end a relationship for any reason at all.

Good for you, @innersilentscreams. He's trying to minimize his poor parenting and his angry reaction towards you. If he was actually remorseful and wanted to make changes, he'd be apologizing profusely (not sure whether I'd believe him, but it would be something).

Keep ignoring.

I am struggling to see how him saying he wouldn't bring them round again was a threat!! I am surprised you didn't fall on his neck sobbing, thank you ,thank you

It's like a PP said, he thinks he still has a relationship with you. He thinks he can sweet-talk you round. Don't lose this precious opportunity to be rid of him and his children, OP. Please don't let him come back because next time, he may dig his heels in and refuse to leave your home.

"He has been messaging general messages (two today, just saying he hoped I hada good day etc).
I haven't engaged."

He really thinks he can just pretend nothing happened and waltz back in , doesn't he? <shakes head in disbelief>

You're doing the right thing to not engage. Keep on not engaging! And prioritising your own happiness (and changing the locks).

I'm happy to read your update @innersilentscreams !

I know you're feeling sad about the end of a relationship, it's only natural, even if it's the right thing to do. You are making the best decision though, for yourself and your little cat. You both deserve to be happy and stress free, and removing your DP and his children from your lives will help ensure that. Wishing you all the best!

Good on you @innersilentscreams . Stick to the facts and your guns. Do not respond to anything and let his sorry ass and kids back into your life.

He is attempting to cover up his own incompetence as a parent, by saying you're the one with the problem.

He's obviously panicking about having lost his meal ticket and place to lazily 'parent' his kids. You've got this, OP! 💪🏼

This is it- he excuses their behaviour.

At their grandparents' one time they were throwing food onto the floor (chips) and the garndparents didn't dare say anything, so afraid that the kids won't want to come over (because their mum will often relay the message to my ex partner that they hate the food there, find it boring, the grandparents aren't doing enough fun things for their liking etc, so she might stop them visiting oif they don't like it).

When they visit their grandparents, they head straight upstairs and videogame...my partner doesn't stop them, or make them sit and converse with their grandparents, which I find so sad :(

They have been used by their mum as a weapon in this way a few times now, which has meant everyone treats them like little emperors.
Mediation helped (I actually urged this and helped him to organise it), but it was pretty bad at one stage (danying visits on a whim etc)- hence why my ex is so terrified to actually set boundaries- he dreads a text from his ex saying they don't enjoy seeing him anymore so she won't be encouraging them to bother.

This is the core of his excuses.

And he has to lash out at me I guess because he is so scared to hold them to account and risk 'losing' them

Exactly, he's not very bright is he!
Shoots from the hip with something intended to make her feel guilty, when it doesn't have the effect he wanted he tried to pretend the whole episode never happened.
Threatening to leave isnt a threat when you're a selfish aggressive bastard mate.
If he does start to apologise OP bear in mind that if you did let him back he would have to punish you for making him defer to you.
It's all about him needing to rule the roost.

I think this si a great idea!