Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

I don’t understand why this whole “no eating in the living room” rule is so out of order to so many people, who have never heard of such an outrageous rule.

*Puts hand up.
We have that rule at our house.
I must be a unicorn.

Whether it’s next weekend or the one after that he’d be having the kids again, he will be expecting to do it at your house and will put a massive guilt trip on you about it. Stay strong OP, he will be piling the pressure on as the reality of losing the easy ride he’s been getting sinks in. He won’t go without a fight.

I don’t understand why this whole “no eating in the living room” rule is so out of order to so many people, who have never heard of such an outrageous rule

It was pretty standard where I grew up. Meals at the table. The occasional treat when watching a film, but with the expectation to be sensible. Deliberately leaving mess and wrappings behind would have ensured that the treat wasn't repeated.

I hadn't heard of it as a rule. We used to eat at the table in the dining room but snacks in front of the TV were eaten in the sitting room, cups of tea and coffee at times too. However if the op has that rule, it's her house, it should be respected. It probably wouldn't be so bad if no mess was made but those kids are very messy and don't care.

I suspect his parents won't let him go without a fight! I'm sure they don't want to be housing this loser and his feral children instead.

What planet are you on?! It absolutely is not part and parcel of dating someone with children 😂Only if that someone is a completely shit parent!!!

From the first time I met DSD she has been respectful, polite, chatty and caring. Yes sometimes it takes asking a million times for her to tidy her room and yes she can be moody at times (as most teens are!) but she knows right from wrong and would never behave like this from the OP!

But then again my DH is actually a good dad who picks up his child on bad behaviour, has taught her good manners and wouldn't let any shit like this go on for even a second without her being hauled over the coals.

I have this rule - mainly because, once we get mice, they are hard to get rid of.

OP I have 3 children myself (no step kids) and if me and my OH were to split and they acted like this round his partners home I would be mortified and embarrassed that it appears I have brought up disrespectful, rude children. I mean...wiping snot and food on the couch? Behaving like toddlers in a restaurant? My 6 year old doesn't even behave like this even when a bit bored! Sounds like he didn't like having a mirror held up to his parenting and fair play to u for bringing it up. Clearly nothing will change if u do stay together so well rid now to be honest!

Now that you guys are broken up. You don’t owe him a response.

@innersilentscreams I've just read your posts. You've done right and I hope your life is peaceful from now on. Please don't have him back.

Then he goes to the council or housing association and gets on a list like single mums have to

I haven't read through all 33 pages so apologies if I have missed something / my reply is no longer relevant but I feel like his reaction to how they behave is a very important factor in this.

I agree with the majority of other posters here, the behaviour seems to be the extreme end of normal. It is at a level where you would say that they are badly behaved but not totally and utterly out there.

As a parent you should always put your kids first in any new relationship but putting your kids first doesn't mean letting them get away with bad behaviour. If he is ignoring and not reacting to it then you are absolutely doing the right thing. If however he is telling them off when they go too far, trying to encourage them to change behaviours etc then I probably would say he is trying and that is part of being with a partner who has kids especially ones at that age who may be acting out against their parents splitting.

You did the right thing. Why would you put up with being disrespected in your own home like this. Get rid- permanently.

Don't blame SEN. Pretty sure the partner would have brought that up if they were, anyway. He used excuses for their behaviour rather than parenting them. They sound like brats who get their own way all the time.

@innersilentscreams Sounds to me like the bloke is not worth the kids, clingy is never an attractive trait. Congrats on escaping all of them. You deserve peace and your cat. Your mother is wrong and I'm not sure what is wrong with being single except for preconceived ideas about it making people miserable.

Read a bit more of the thread and try to remember that Adolescence is not a manual.

Jesus you are better off out of it trust me.
Me and my ex fiancé split for other reasons besides the kids, but as much as me and his kids got on he did not correct bad behaviour at all when I was over.
Weekend evenings were spent listening to his son screaming at his computer and friends and I used to get headaches alot as both TV's on loud and other kids slamming doors and coming in and out.
Now I get Saturdays with peace and quiet or off out with friends.
If he can't sort his kids out and have your back he should stay away.

Testing the water of course!

Jesus no wonder we have got so many problems in schools You do realize that the eldest is above the age of criminal responsibilty dont you. And that deliberately scratching glasses is criminal damage

Mind you im actually surprised the SEN excuse got trotted out quite late in the thread this time.

Their existence sounds miserable??? Doing exactly as they like ??
No, the OP is having a miserable time. I despair of many parents!

Can't believe people saying this is kids being kids. No wonder the world is full of entitled adults if this is the norm in some families 🙈

But we are not talking about family upheaval - we are talking about an 11 year old slopping food about like a toddler.

Stop making excuses for unacceptable, rude, baby like behaviour.

I don’t really know what you mean by a manual — Adolescence did a reasonable job of highlighting a number of the problems that our young people face today but it didn’t try to provide any answers, I think that was the point…

Anyway, I work in secondary schools so my perspective is based on my real life interactions with actual children, not a television show.

I don’t think their behaviour is okay, I think some of it is age appropriate and addressing the problems will need to come from a place of understanding their perspective as the adult in the situation.

They were in someone else’s home whenever they visited their dad. That’s family upheaval in my book …

Hoping OP is ok and the (now) ex-P isn't on the doorstep today.