Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

I agree that things like not being allowed to eat in the living room or wanting to spend time just with my dad would grate on me as a teen - but the solution is compromise, not snot on sofas and homophobic put downs of what’s on TV. If the OP allowed the kids to eat in the living room as long as they could show that were tidying up properly after, or came to an agreement that every friday night was ‘gaming with dad night’ while she went out with friends (or whatever), that would be reasonable for everyone. But wiping snot on sofas and talking over other people’s TV shows is not ‘feeling at home’, it’s being an antisocial PITA and will not help them win friends or form romantic relationships in future.

“ Wiping snot on sofas … will not help them form romantic relationships”🤣

The whole situation sounds awful. But it probably would feel awful to know that at your own dad’s “ home “ you were viewed as the “snot wiper!” I just think the whole arrangement met no-one’s needs and was untenable.

As a step-parent these threads drive me insane. Why on earth would you want to be with a man who can't parent his children?!?!

If DSD did even ONE of the things you mentioned, DH would put a stop to it immediately! How does it become the norm that they're allowed to ignore you?! Or sit on their iPads whilst you're watching a film?

Also, 11 and 14 year olds constantly shouting IT'S BORING at everything and throwing things in cafes sounds very bizarre and the type of thing naughty toddlers / small children do?!

Tbh I would be glad he's gone and thanking my lucky stars I didn't have to deal with that shit anymore!

@Calliopespa

dont wipe snot then?

I think they had more to rein in than just their snot.

These are kids who were troubled by the general situation. I think the split is better for all parties.

You're saying 'clearly' it's not what you meant, but it's not clear at all from a sentence like 'Good on him actually, whatever you think of his parenting he wants his children to be comfortable in their home' in your previous post. His (lack of) parenting is the vast majority of the problem here.

And as for you applauding him putting his brats kids before OP in this scenario, and berating OP for 'clearly not wanting them there', I can't even. Would you be willing to live like this?

I can't believe he text you ignoring what had just happened. He definitely thinks he can swagger back like nothing's happened. Remove the front door camera, if you can't take control and remove him from the account and also ditch him from your bike tracker. He doesn't need any information on your comings and goings. What a knob. 👎

I will never ever understand why women without children get involved with men who have them - and OP this isn't a dig at you, you sound lovely, I'm just musing in general.

It's all the downsides of children and none of the benefits. Plus judging by MN, a stepmother's place is in the wrong. You will never come first. It all just seems completely miserable.

Have you heard of the Shark Cage analogy of abuse? Basically, your childhood experiences means that you don't have a safe cage around you, which abusers test. Please read the PDF attached in this article:
https://ccp.net.au/the-shark-cage-metaphor-in-abusive-relationships/

The concept of the Shark Cage begins with the idea that the world is like an ocean, filled with fish of all colors and sizes, and there are also predatory sharks which are dangerous. In the ocean, the woman needs a ‘shark cage’ to protect her from predators, but allow friendly fish to pass through.
We aren’t born with our shark cages, our caregivers and others we come into contact with support the construction of our shark cage. Each bar of the cage represents a boundary or a basic human right, such as the right to not be touched, not to be shouted at or called names. Once the bars are in place, the cage provides a protective barrier making it difficult for sharks to get close enough to take a bite.
However, not everyone has had caregivers who knew how to help their child build a sturdy cage, and many women have shark cages with missing bars or a weak alarm system that needs some work. Importantly, the metaphor emphasises that it is not the person who is deficient, but it is their cage. It follows then that the skill of maintaining a robust cage (boundaries) is something that can be learned and refined.

The good news is that all shark cages can be strengthened, by learning what bars to put in place to ensure emotional, physical, and sexual safety. By learning when a bar has sustained a hit, and by learning how to respond to an attempted shark cage breach. It is also possible to learn to recognise sharks and evaluate current and potential new partners.

OP, I think you made the right suggestion, for what it is worth. You are not a scapegoat for the anger of these kids. Take back your house and your life.

I had one short term relationship with a man with a 20 year old and a 16 year old. The 16-year old was delightful, but the 20-year old was so nasty to me...after a ruined Christmas, I decided I didn't need the grief in my life and never dated a man with kids again. It is always tricky, even when they are older.

It isn’t normal, not unless being feral is someone’s idea of normal.

I have two sons but also had two step kids who stayed every other weekend. Despite his faults my (now) ex would never have allowed his children to behave like that. When they first came over they would stay, like the OP, in my house and I never had a single incident of them behaving anything like that.

Those saying it’s normal is it because that’s how you behaved in other people’s home at that age or allowed your own children to?

I'm thinking about you today @innersilentscreams . I'm wondering if he came back last night and it all just felt like too big a step to end the relationship. Please don't feel bad if that's the case. You will leave him when you're ready. Please do start another thread, or continue to post on this one, if you need support to do that.

@innersilentscreams - I read your thread yesterday - and I am appalled at the way you and your home have been treated by this man and his children. I have had teens and tweens, and there is no way I would let them get away with behaviour like that, either in our home or anywhere else! Previous posters are spot on when they say he is utterly failing to parent his children.

I hope that you had a lovely, peaceful night's sleep, and that today is the first day of a bright new future.

Amazing to me that posters would think OP's partner wonderful for flouncing rather than actually parent his own children.
Allowing them to abuse OP's home and trounce the house rules (which happen in every household not just a step parent's) and act in a rude manner isn't something these posters would tolerate in their own home so not sure why OP is supposed to suck it up.
I am a step mother and my DC also have a step mother so I see both sides of the coin and I would be appalled if my DC acted like that.

He isn't a good parent, he's a lazy Disney dad.

My late husband had two adult children who had left the family home by the time that he and the ex separated. (Insert obligatory "No, I wasn't the OW.")

While I never had to deal with the stress endured by the OP, I can safely say that never again would I put myself in the position of dealing with the dynamics of a blended family. Kudos to those who manage and who do it well.

I spent nearly 30 yrs tiptoeing on eggshells so as not to upset my husband's relationship with his children and grandchild. (A large part of this was down to the behaviour of the ex, to be fair. By the time my DH died, she was with her 4th partner, but still seemed to view my DH as her husband. Even DH's DIL described the ex as "jealous and controlling".)

I look back and wish that I'd been a bit more forceful...but I suspect that it would have rebounded on me.

Never again.

This is what would worry me if I was you. Your Mum seems to think there is something shameful about you being single.

This is a man who moved in without your agreement and assumed you'd cover all his expenses. That's who he is.

He shouted at you and flounced off to put you in your place for raising the topic of his children's behaviour. To frighten you into accepting anything in your own home.

He's now texting about normal things to trick you into brushing it all under the carpet and letting him have his rent free place to stay back.

He's a pathetic boyfriend and parent. Stay strong and keep these people out of your home.

I guess I’m in the minority but I think YABU. It seems like they’re struggling when at your house for some reason. They're at an age when most kids want to hang out with friends and do their own hobbies on the weekend — are they struggling with missing out on these things when they’re at yours? Time with their dad is important but if they are missing other things they’d like to do at least maybe try to come from a place of understanding.

Some of your rules do seem a bit much, and your expectations seem a bit high for kids that age. Is it really a big deal if they eat a packet of crisps in the lounge? I don’t know anyone with children who maintains a rule like that. If it’s something important to you, then that’s fine, but it just seems a bit over the top and random rules like this might make them feel uncomfortable in your home.

You say they ignore you — you are the adult, what are you doing to try to engage with them?

You say they complain everything you want to do is boring — well yeah a lot of things a 39 year old woman is interested in doing would be boring to teen and preteen boys. Have you asked them what they’d like to do when they come to yours? It sounds like you are picking the activities and even the movies and just expect them to happily join in. It’s their weekend too, perhaps give them some agency over what you do together?

How are you feeling today, @innersilentscreams ?

I hope you had a restful night with your cat and are looking forward to a future without the useless cocklodger in it.

@WearyAuldWumman I think I was pretty lucky. My step kids became half siblings to mine and although we (me and the kids) don’t see much of one (only because they have their own life not geographically close), they have an incredibly close relationship with the other (everyone is grown up now).

I did struggle more with the sd but that was only because she was young and had no need for another ‘mother’. She was never rude or badly behaved, just non communicative. The ss though was very easy, not a moment of angst, in fact he was just the kind of lad I’d choose as a son.

My ex certainly has his faults but he knew how children should behave in a civil and socially acceptable way. I count ourselves lucky that my ss turned into an amazing half brother. I can imagine though how much of a minefield it can be in other situations.

Once we split up though a blended family with someone else’s children was an absolute no-no for me. I got lucky once, I wouldn’t have chanced it again.

Kids should have been doing their gaming in their bedrooms, I don't understand why your partner didn't ask them to do that. Glad he's left, you can get your life back x

So you think OP is unreasonable, even though these kids are using homophobic slurs, deliberately damaging her things and wiping their snot on her furniture?

Thankfully, her partner has flounced out with his awful kids and won't be allowed back.

I would absolutely change the locks and remove his access to your security cameras.

He will be back messing with your head and gaslighting you so please stay strong!!

Don't take advice from your mother either!!

At least you discovered what a jerk he is too, and you should be glad they got lost, than ruin your house any more. Maybe find a man with older children or none like you, so you don't have to live your life around other people's children who don't show you respect.

Do they have some kind of special educational needs/behavioural issues? The guy himself moved in by stealth rather than you inviting him, I doubt you wanted the children there even before their bad behaviour. They clearly picked up on the sense that you didn't want them there and rebelled accordingly. It is not okay that your partner was fine with you being upset; he should have changed the children's living arrangements/laid down the law to them much sooner.

Your rules about no food in the living room is obviously your prerogative but a bit harsh (what's wrong with them eating there as long as they don't make a mess?) Teenagers want their own space, not enforced family fun from someone who has no relation to them.

Best to find a partner with no children- it sounds like you prefer your own space so maybe even someone who is happy not to live together.