Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

You mean perfectly normal rules? He should be applying those rules, where ever they live! Thats a key part of being a parent after they are fed and loved, some sensible boundaries. Stuff like don’t break other people’s things. Don’t have conflicting sources of sound playing in the same room so no one else can do their thing. .

Kids do come first no matter what BUT your job as a parent is to parent them! This means setting boundaries that they have to stick to - so if you say no eating in the living room, then there's no eating in the living room. That's life, you don't just get to do whatever you want, whenever you want, with no regard to anyone else. The OP's partner is doing no favours letting these boys grow up into rude, entitled shits.

OP - I think you have to leave your partner to figure this out for himself. You shouldn't be the punching bag for his boys, and it sounds as if by destroying your stuff, that's how they see you. Throw this one back (it sounds like you have already, so well done and best of luck for the future!).

Except it seems that no ‘rules’ prevailed. Certainly not OP’s because it seems they completely ignored anything she said and just did as they liked - aided and abetted by their dad, who clearly has absolutely no respect for OP. Not all children of divorced parents behave like this. According to OP her DP moved himself in without discussion. And moved himself and his children out, again without discussion. And in a strop. He doesn’t sound as though he has the maturity to be a parent or prioritise anyone other than himself. OP is well rid of him.

Anyone who has lived with children has at times had “conflicting sources of sound” in the same room.

The difference is most children are able ( both emotionally and because of the physical availability of it) retreat to their own space. I think asserting their right to be in the space was a complicated emotional issue in this situation.

Possibly he doesn’t. I would never have moved my children into that sort of arrangement. Why can’t he get his own living arrangement?

Just remember that your home is your escape from the world—where you can come in after a stressful day, let out a big exhale, and relax.

The fact that you never wanted to return to your home with these 3 in it, and to just drive far away, is very telling.

I think those kids wanted and had the same need.

I live with 3 children and I grew up with double that and 20 cousins, so did dh. If you want to play a video game with noise or a song in the same room as watching tv you have till the adult counts 5 to exit the room or the device/tech is cancelled. This is always such a clear rule because it’s just so obvious?? My kids would RUN out of the room if reminded because they know I’d follow through! There are going to be conflicting sounds but not like that.

Might have been, but the fact is the dad should have been managing the situation, and he didn't, because he's not up to the job.

Moved himself in without discussion?!

It's clear where the kids get their entitled attitude from!

I think those kids wanted and had the same need.

Then perhaps their father should have been providing it?

There’s a difference between asserting their right to be in the space, and wrecking the space they’re in, at the same time as ignoring the adults in the room. It’s really not that complicated - he’s not stepping up as a parent so the children have no boundaries and are acting up in response.

Yep, that was my thought too. She’s well rid of them all.

But where did you run to?

My Dc don’t even bother trying in the first place as they have their own rooms, own space, and sufficient emotional security that they don’t need to try to be in the same room as us. You and yours are probably the same. Something tells me these kids aren’t.

That’s exactly what I think. The situation was untenable.

… and actually I think they wanted him to provide it. It’s normal to want to be with your parents in your own home. That’s how families live.

I know your heart hurts but be glad he has gone. I understand he doesn't want to go on at his children about their bad behaviour when he see's them and wants to be seen as the laid back parent and of course it is up to him how he parents but that only stands if he is living in his own home, which he is not. It is your home and both he and his badly behaved children don't give a stuff, all of them are being disrespectful and he certainly doesn't have your back never will. Of course he will come crawling back because he needs somewhere to have his brats at the weekend but he has shown you who he is and how little respect he has for you. So pack up all their crap and tell him to collect it within 30 days or it's going in the bin. Don't allow him to use you anymore.

He doesn’t have to be a dick about it though, and actually I would argue he’s putting his own comfort ahead of anybody’s.
OP it sounds like your main role is to facilitate his kids visiting - is it your house? They sound rude, entitled and spoiled, and he sounds averse to doing any actual parenting.

It would appear that OP, not their father, was providing a safe place for the kids to be. Unfortunately, they didn’t understand that by scratching OP’s lenses with a hair pin, ripping her clothes horse, and wiping food and mucus on her furnishings, they were deliberately ruining OP’s own safe space. FAFO. Their new safe space will have to be at Granny and Grandpa’s, until Dad can either house his own offspring or find another woman/golden goose to move in with by stealth, without discussion.

He needs to provide a home for them. That’s what parents do.

Jesus christ. Read the whole post. It can be normal for kids to push boundaries especially if they're not corrected. I don't need parenting classes thanks my adults kids are respectful, kind and tolerant when people can't put into words exactly what they mean. But thanks for your input.

We didn’t have our own rooms, but we did have security. The op doesn’t have kids, so even if they share like we did there is a room for them. This again is on their dad- he needed to spend time with them WITH rules. So maybe he had to leave the room with them.

I don't think it's reasonable behaviour.
It's disrespectful. They give no shits to your boundaries and your partner should be backing you up.

If it's your house and you say no food in the living area then uphold that rule.
Tell them, "I've told you before there is no eating in this room. Can you kindly remove yourselves?!"

If he can't abide by your boundaries either then fuck him off.

Life's too short to be unhappy

My step dad came into my life when i was 11. He was encouraged by my mum to discipline me as if i was his own. And he was firm but fair. He's in his 80s now, and i'm 50s, and i still have the greatest respect for him. If your partner wont respect you enough to discipline his kids in your home, and they dont take it from you either, i would leave. Its doing no-one any favours.

Sounds ideal.

Nothing better than being in control of your enviroment.

To have second relationships you need to to have money, and enough room to have the games consols in bedrooms away from communal living rooms.
Not saying you should provide this, he should.

If he wants a woman to accomodate his children from his previous union he needs to provide a safe enviroment for all of you to have space from one another.

Find someone who has the same ideals as you, someone who likes nice things and is respectul of your living arrangements and possesions, he doesn't sound respectful and neither do his children but that kind of thing runs in families.

Get rid, nothing wrong with being on your own.
The cat sounds ideal.