Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

@innersilentscreams your mother is way wrong !
I've been there done it .
I treated all kids the same. .His had the lazy parenting never had any rules or boundaries total dis respect.

No wonder the kids are that way. .You were being dis respected you spoke up and you were dismissed in your own home.

How the hell did you manage to say nothing for a year ?

Oh edited to say . We split ! It says a lot about him op .

I am adding my 2 pence here to say his kids sound horrendous, but you have a DP problem.

His kids sound spoilt, entitled and badly behaved - and this is probably because there appear to be NO consequences for their actions or antisocial behaviour. However, they are acting how they are taught/allowed to act, and this is entirely down to your DP.

I split with my ex for many reasons but one of them was his DC13's behaviour towards me.

We'd been together 2.5 years, talking about living together, had been a household duing Covid, etc. In August 2021, I organised for all three of us to go on holiday to my parent's house. I organised EVERYTHING, flights, car hire, itinerary, tickets for a water park for DC's birthday, restaurants, day trips... the lot. During the holiday, his DC was rude, dismissive, ignored me when I spoke, deliberately "ruined" days out by moaning, dragging his feet etc. (I am aware this is standard teenage stuff) but one day when I asked him to pack his own beach bag, he held up one finger to me and said "I am busy, I will listen to you when I am done". That same day I asked him to come inside a bakery to pick his sandwich and he walked away from me, tossing over his shoulder, "get me whatever you get for dad" as if I am the family skivvy.

That evening, later, alone, I spoke to my ex to say "I do not appreciate how DC speaks to me and how rude he has been to me this week. We need to sit down together, the three of us, and decide how we can communicate with respect if we are all going to live together". And my ex essentially responded that I had never raised teenagers (nor had he...) and that his disrespect was generalised, not specific to me, that he'd had it worse with his former SDC, therefore I should just bite my lip for the next 5-10 years.

Given his response, and the fact that this is happening in your own home, I believe your DP needs to be an ex ASAP.

Damn. That's a PITA but maybe add it to the price of getting shot of this whole messy situation, where your ex didn't want to parent his kids and allowed you to slip into the role of the baddie because you called them out on it?

These little acts of pointless destruction sound like angry acts a child would enact when they're feeling sad and powerless and angry at the situation they're in. Perhaps they don't have a brilliant time at their main home either? Or just resented having to go somewhere else at weekends? That aside, their behaviour is appalling and absolutely not normal - 'extreme end of normal' as it was phrased on here is making excuses. Well parented children and considerate children don't behave like this. Thank god it's no longer your problem, OP!

I have 4 children it's not normal behaviour at all. If you believe it is then you seriously need parenting classes. My partner has always been a hands on dad and would never put up with any nonsense from our children. Remember they are 11 and 14 they should know how to behave in public unless they have special needs. The snot on chairs again they are 11 and 14 they shouldn't be behaving like animals.

He is right to put his kids first, and step-parenting is hard.

But it doesn't mean you have to marry into the local problem family and invite them into your home.

I can almost guarantee you that in a few weeks you'll feel a sense of elation that his kids are NEVER COMING BACK!

Then you can find a better man. Or some hobbies with your mates. Or a Spa day. Or...whatever you want!

AIBU to not fund ex-partner’s children? | Mumsnet

@GlomOfNit I agree. The only time I saw this behaviour in my own teenage son was when I was divorcing his abusive father. He 'accidentally' knocked my make up on the floor and single earrings would go missing etc. He would also lose things I bought for him for school frequently.

Not the op's problem though as she's free of this dysfunctional family.

Scroll up: I’ve already said I wouldn’t.

I agree it’s clear the children are acting up because of the circumstances.

But op is under no obligation to involve herself.

I left an ex for exactly this sort of shite and I didn't look back. There are limits.

Be your own best friend and enjoy the peace away from them. It sounds like a zoo.

Agree - he is not at all a good or mature person, and reading what the OP said about his reaction, I would be surprised if he just buggers off without a fight. He's tried to manipulate you OP with his petulance and there's probably plenty more manipulation coming.
He has lost a very cushy situation and swapped it for a room at his parents' house (and other posters are probably right that his parents will not be happy about the prospect of having those particular kids around) so what he's got to do now - quickly - is to find a home for himself where he can have the boys over at weekends. And that is expensive. He will be feeling that all of this is deeply unfair on him, and where does that emotion go? It will come to you.
I know it looks like people are being a bit OTT about changing the locks but honestly, I would be on that job today if you're not already.

He will think he is doing the OP a favour, being so forgiving, he is probably sat thinking that she will be trying to make it up to him, he sounds very selfish

Sorry OP - jus t read all your posts.

OMG Congratulations! on removing this useless tosser and his unbearable kids from your life so swiftly and efficiently!

My ex's DC also used to smear jam on my adorable cat, another thing that I DO NOT MISS.

That's not normal, it's disrespectful and I absolutely wouldn't have and don't condone it from my children. I think considering how accepting he is of this and it obviously won't change, how little he supports you in your own home, it's likely for the best to end it. You deserve better. No point living unhappily in your own home.

Not unreasonable in the least.

You're being asked to leave venues because of the way they carry on? I'd never put up with behaviour like this from my own child and pass it off as 'normal'.

Your 'D'P has done you a favour. Don't look back. You deserve better than this. 💐

I will add that if these kids are both boys, are secondary school aged and constantly online, if I were their parent I would be concerned about what sort of material they are accessing online. The level of disrespect towards OP is abnormal and concerning; could they be accessing misogynistic content? Either way, the dad probably doesn't give a shit!

All this has reminded me that years ago, my dad had a girlfriend he was very serious about and sometimes she lived with him and therefore us when we were around. (She worked away a lot so it wasn't totally permanent.) And she was nice, but when she was there, my father completely failed to parent us. He just wasn't interested. When they split up he told me it was because of us.
We weren't like these two boys. But we could be loud and we sometimes fought and were told we were terrible characters instead of being helped to deal with our frustrations. So in a funny way this has been quite cathartic! Because I rather suspect he was told she didn't want to take on two teenagers, and he blamed us instead of looking at his own negligence.
(Hope your ex doesn't of that OP because it's a terrible thing to hear as a young person.)

"But he's only 11" made me laugh a bit I admit.

11!!

Old enough for secondary school yet his dad treats him like a baby

11 is still quite young to deal with family upheavals. I would have found it really odd to spend my time with a parent in a home that wasn’t ours. Home is home; it isn’t someone else’s home where you have to feel othered or a guest. It sounds to be as though they were resentful their dad had a “ home” that clearly wasn’t their home so they were being assertive about the space to try to tell themselves they belonged with their dad. They may not even have been consciously aware of all this, but it would be hard not to notice that you never spent time with dad on a place you could all call your own.

He knows - and feels guilty - that he hasn’t prioritised their natural animal need for a home they belong in with him. His slack parenting is guilt.

I’m amazed at the posters praising him for ‘putting his kids first’ - he’s not doing them any favours by facilitating such thoroughly unpleasant, anti social behaviour. They are not being taught to function like normal considerate human beings and they will suffer for it in the long run.

Sadly for you, if he can’t even discuss the issue rationally with you there is little redemption for this relationship.

Way to spectacularly misunderstand my post!

Good morning @innersilentscreams
How are you feeling today? I hope you had a good nights sleep and feel refreshed. Today's a new day, a new week, a new life, to do whatever makes you happy! Make plans to do all the things you've been putting off, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner! Wishing you all the best ❤️

I think he needs to prioritise them before he can discipline them at this point. Once he’s provided what parents should provide he can expect them to act as children should act. Those children need a space with him where they feel they rightfully belong, not a space where an unrelated person’s rules prevail. If he can’t afford a home for them he needs to sit down and explain that , and make plenty of time that he can spend with them elsewhere where the children can feel more on their own turf.

How is it putting his kids first to allow them to behave in such a feral manner, totally disrespecting his partner and her home ? And then when that partner has had enough, instead of taking charge and putting some rules and boundaries in place for them as a parent, he has a strop, moves out and makes himself homeless. Not very mature is it ?