Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Good riddance! Why would you be with a man who lets his children behave so badly?

Hope you got a good nights sleep OP, hold firm on dumping this guy who doesn't deserve or respect you.

I'm really glad you prevailed and he left. My children never behaved like that at that age. My grandsons don't behave like that and they are 3 and 6! It's a definite failure in his parenting. He obviously expects you to forget all about it, if he's messaging you like nothing happened. I think you might need to make it clear to him that the relationship is over

@InterIgnis

what does “being cut out to be a stepmum” mean to you? Being someone who is happy to be disrespected and live in a snotty shit hole? You think it means being a martyr basically don’t you

He and his “best mates” can reap what they sow in a box bedroom at Mummy and Daddy’s house. They’re in the “Find Out” stage of FAFO.

@Calliopespa

@Inmydreams88

would you want people around you who disrespect your home and you, who damage your stuff and wipe their snot all over? If you do, you’re a martyr , which I hope you can get help for. Women do not need to be martyrs anymore.

I'm afraid if anyone snarled at me in my own home their feet wouldn't touch the floor. You are well rid OP, of an aggressive man and his feral children.

You need to remove or deactivate them, otherwise he can watch your every move. It's not about him becoming violent, although once he realises that the relationship is over, there's always the possibility. You just need to ensure that he is out of your life for good. Change the locks - forget keys in the locks and door jammers. Because until you do that, it gives the message that 'there's a chance he'll be back'. Changing locks tells you both that you really are done with him. Same thing with the cameras that he has access to - it suggests there's a way back for him, which I hope to God there isn't.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore

He thought you would beg and plead for this not to happen, he thought you would put up with this shit, as you have done for so long in the passed. Its thethreastening not to bring his kids back to yours, then threatening to live - then having to follow through when you say ok

this isn't a grown up or mature person, that is why he doesn't parent his kids and is now finding out the consequences of not parenting his kids to be likeable human beings.

I don’t quite agree that he is “doing the right thing” by allowing his children to leave empty snack packs all over the place, dominating the common space with noise and disrespect for others, and wiping snot over other people’s furniture.

Well done OP 👏
Hope you're ready for the faux niceness, guilt tripping and then anger that is going to come from your ex in the coming days. Stay strong, grey rock. 💪

Hi @innersilentscreams
Apologies if this has already been posted but you should be able to remove his phone from your Ring doorbell yourself;

Morning OP. Been thinking about you.

You've been through a really horrid experience having your home taken over every weekend by these 2 lads with their loud bad behaviour. I feel for them with him as their Dad but hopefully they'll figure it out later.

And also you being "railroaded" into a cohabiting situation. That's rubbish.

And now, you are free 😎 be careful of yourself and take heart.

Disagree. If you look back through the thread, especially at the beginning, there were a surprising number of posters telling OP that he had done the right thing and put his kids first because he wanted them to be at ease in their home. Essentially they were telling OP that it was OK for them to behave like feral animals, that she’s the problem for complaining and that as a step mum she should just suck it up. You’re right, there is a difference between putting the kids first and allowing them to do what they want. But many posters here don’t see it.

Her DP is lazy. He failed both his kids and OP by not stepping up and sorting out their behaviour and the appalling disrespect they were showing her. He’s moved out in a strop, which speaks volumes about his own immaturity, lack of self awareness and lack of respect for OP. l hope she can now see the reality of the situation more clearly and not get back on the merry go round of his lousy parenting which will never change.

You're well rid of the 3 of them tbh.

Enjoy your new peaceful life.

You got yourself a common or garden cocklodger OP. You got rail roaded into living with him and his children were then closely tucked behind him. Familiarity breeds contempt and he certainly has shown his contempt. He thinks you are weak. Prove him wrong by keeping him out.

Agreed. If I’m not mistaken, changing the Wi-Fi password will remove the cameras.

It really isn’t. My children are teens and wouldn’t behave like that, I certainly didn’t and from what I have seen from the friends of my children when they come around they don’t behave like that either. Teens can be messy and sometimes thoughtless and moody. They shouldn’t be deliberately destructive and set out to make someone feel uncomfortable in their own home.

Would be curious to know how they all behave at his parent's house!

Absolutely this. I’ve explained to my boys for years now that being their parent/stepparent means respecting them and being kind to them, not being ‘nice’ to them and excusing rudeness and selfish behaviour - and that sometimes means directing their behaviour so they grow up into happy adults that people want to be around.

My DF spent his life working with troubled teenagers and maintains that the best approach is respect - giving it to teens, but expecting it from them too. Believing and treating them as capable, ethical young human beings, which means listening, boundaries, and emotional safety.

I feel sorry for these young men, their father is letting them down horribly.

When I had step children staying over (similar age) they behaved absolutely nothing like that. They were civilised, this man has not taught his children how to behave in a civilised manner (testing boundaries is no excuse). I think you’re well rid of the lot of them.

All those saying these kids behaviour is normal …like what happens when they go off to uni and have to live with other people? They are gonna piss their housemates right off and not be very popular. It’s not gonna do kids any favours to let them be like this.

Stay strong OP. You and your cat enjoy the peace and quiet away from the three bratty boys.

❤️

You're definitely better off without the lot of them. He is a cunt and he's bringing up kids who will be just like him.
If I were you, I'd disable his access to the security cameras; he may well not become violent, but he has no right to access now that he's not living there.
As an aside, posters here trying to minimise his kids' behaviour, accusing you of being intolerant et cetera, need to give their heads a serious wobble.

I hope you’re feeling okay today OP and you can get rid of his stuff quickly. If he hasn’t already I expect he’ll start off casual, ramp up the niceness and then be horrible when you don’t play ball. Be prepared. He’s not a good guy and his tantrum hasn’t got the response he’d hoped for.