Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Not normal at all and his kids are bloody rude with clearly not much parenting from him. I wouldn’t have ever accepted such shit behaviour from his kids. No one ignores me in my own home - i don’t care who they are. Best to stay split OP - onwards and upwards.

testing something i'm having an issue with, don't mind me (sorry)

Sleep tight, OP! Fresh day, fresh week, fresh month and fresh life coming up! 🤗😸

In saying that, you’re implying that you think most kids behave like this. Is that really what you think?

Moaning and leaving crisp packet normal. Wiping snot on your furniture and not speaking to you in your own home. Not normal.
Your Partner doesn’t respect you. His kids certainly don’t.
Get rid. You do not need these toxic people
in your life. You deserve better.

Wow there’s a big difference between being comfortable and damn right rude. This is not their home, it’s somewhere they come to visit. No wonder kids today are such rude, self entitled brats with parents around who think this behaviour is acceptable!

Excellent idea, please make sure you’re safe too OP when they collect stuff.

Your mum is right to a point - his children should come first, and they do come as a package, but there is nothing 'normal' about their behaviour - I'm surprised so many people seem to think it is. You may miss him but you clearly don't/won't miss his kids. I'm sorry that this has happened, but I think it's probably for the best in the long run.

No it isn't. Kids of that age don't rub their snot on furniture or deliberately trash and break OP's stuff like her glasses and clothes rack and they don't yell loudly when people in the room are trying to watch TV. These kids haven't been raised right and their dad is a shitty parent.

OP, make sure you change your Wi-Fi passwords and any to other electronics you might have. Get yourself off that Life 360 too. Good luck. You just lost a ton of dead weight

He's a shit dad who's raising little monsters. Get away from him.

Being ignored in your own home and disrespected to that extent should not be part and parcel of dating someone with a child. Children behaving in such a disrespectful manner should be disciplined immediately and be given consequences by the parent. You should also be a priority to your husband and you matter; he should not allow his ill-mannered brats to disrespect you and it being excused as normal behaviour. They broke her glasses ffs, this isn't normal!

No he hasn't. He's majorly let them down by allowing them to grow up into rude young adults who will be a nightmare in the workplace and future relationships.

I would be furious if I was their Mother, him allowing the children to behave like that, I might let things slide a bit whilst at home,but not to the degree that OP is talking about, out of this house, they are expected to behave and know it ! Because regardless of where they are or who they are with, that behaviour reflects back on me.

I thought we had left things being called gay back in the 1990s! Their dad should be nipping all of that behaviour in the bud, they sound feral.

It’s not normal, nor acceptable. Also, their Dad seems to have no control over them. I’d be mortified if any of my children acted like this and would make moves to correct them. Given his attitude I’d say you’re better off without him. Things will never change, his children will continue to rule the roost and you’ll be a stranger in your own home.

Don't Trouble yourself to read the thread or even the OP's posts will you before you stomp on in with your opinion?

It is HER HOUSE that he moved himself into then his children without even being asked.

It is HER HOUSE & HER FURNITURE, that they were disrespecting..

Yes, the kids come first.

Those kids sound vile.

You’re better off without this relationship. I would hate to be a step parent at the best of times, but this sounds intolerable.

It is kind of typical behaviour of teens, BUT a partner should care if their wife or gf is upset and try and empathize and be kind and tell you how grateful he is for you
If a man took on me and my son and my son was wiping his snot all over this man's sofa to the point he was crying, I would be really nice to him and have a chat with my son about being a good prosocial person to live with

Their behaviour was abysmal and their father was doing nothing to teach them how to behave

I can't imagine having to leave a restaurant because kids of 11 and 14 were badly behaved

I've never had to do that with toddlers!

@innersilentscreams You are much better off without the lot of them

I think about that poster sometimes; I hope she’s doing well.

ignoring me in my own home unacceptable
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about itunacceptable
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule - you could be being a bit unreasonable wiht the no food but they need to clean up afterthemselves
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it upunacceptable
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs wtf
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything could they not do this in their rooms
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY) loads of people are on ipads at the same time and the boring is rude but probably happeneing elsewhere in other houses too.
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!) we or you? why do they need to go on the bike ride with you?
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORINGunacceptable

They sound pretty grim in parts and like teenagers in others such as being on games /talking to their mates online.
Their dad however sounds fucking awful and needs to parent his kids and have told them breaking stuff and ignoring you is not acceptable.
He and they seem to have no respect for you so I would let him stay gone - who needs that kind of shit.

Yes he should put the kids first - so their behaviour is his problem. Their behaviour is not normal

I would (funds permitting) box his stuff up and courier it to him, get that out the way asap and you don't have to see him.
Then book carpets and sofas, etc to be professionally cleaned - complete reset.
Relax in your home again for probably the first time in 3 years.
Don't take him back!

I am late to the party but absolutely well done OP.

Well done for telling him the kids behaviour was unacceptable.
Well done for telling him to leave.
Well done for not begging him to come back.
Well done for not responding to his "fishing" text.

Keep strong, we've got you 💪

Previously he has always blamed them being spoilt and acting how they do because at their mum's everything, and I mean everything, is done for them. Plates swiftly moved from table to sink etc, never ever doing any chores. Clothes picked and laid out.

Oh Op I've always done a lot for my kids but that has never meant that they don't have to pick up after themselves & treat furniture & other people's stuff with respect iyswim.

I do have kids and if they behaved like that I would be furious! If he thinks that behaviour is normal he has some very low expectations. Yes it might not be easy on them their dad having a new partner and that could explain some of the behaviour but it doesn't sound like their dad even registers there is anything to address. You had no choice but to say something.