Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Why isn't he stepping up to parent these children. U are better off without him how they are behaving is rude and disrespectful and it sounds like u r always made to be "bad cop" he sounds like a lazy ass dad who can't be bothered with rules or boundaries its about teaching respect and manners. I'm sorry this will be hard 3 years in but if u don't want to leave him you need to have a serious chat about how he parents. Sadly he won't listen to u they are teens hes been doing this years and will use the you don't have kids what do u know card against you. Sounds like a loosing battle OP. You know manners and respect and that you would have never acted like that.

He's not come back- he's definitely at his parents' (we both have life 360 due to my cycling in rural areas so he knows where I am if I ever got knocked off my bike- my request at the time).

He messaged earlier about me getting out and his son's team winning today.
I haven't responded. I just feel sick at the thought of talking right now, as am still in shock.

x

Yep, the gall!

Your partner's an arsehole.

Your stepkids are vile.

You may not be able to see it now, but I think you had a lucky escape from them all.

My ex had kids and they were nothing like this!

Not normal behaviour at all.

Let him go and soend some time with bis unruly kids. At their age they know how to behave so must be deliberate. That being the case and their dad thinks its ‘just how kids are’ then nothing will change.

I have had 3 kids and none of them acted like that. Could always take them anywhere and they were on their best behaviour. Sometimes testing their limits but soon got put in their place.

Think of the peace you’l have now!

I actually had a step mum growing up, and wouldn't ever ever ever dreamed of behaving like this in her house. I have always been praised for being considerate and polite and believe it;s so important to be respectful of others.

He actually did say 'That's just what they're like', and I said that no actually it's his job to parent them and show them how to behave. He just refused to see that he is meant to show that what is and isn;t acceptable.

Previously he has always blamed them being spoilt and acting how they do because at their mum's everything, and I mean everything, is done for them. Plates swiftly moved from table to sink etc, never ever doing any chores. Clothes picked and laid out.

He would always say it's their mum's fault, which to me is him absolving himself of actually having to set boundaries and rules etc.

All I wanted was to be able to sit in my lounge and us all watch a film together once in a while, and for them not to drop food and rubbish all over the place. And not be shouting out homophobic slurs. That's it.

If you mean it that it is over then I would be boxing up his stuff tonight and also removing yourself from 360. Change WiFi password and cut feed to cameras.

Bad parenting by this useless git. You are well shot of him.

Good luck to the grandparents next weekend.

Honestly I only read the first few items on your list and thought he's done you a huge favour.

There is no need for disrespecting you like that, yes he is a parent but all parents should set boundaries and discipline bad behaviour.

I know on the face of it they're badly-behaved, but I do feel sorry for them not being responsibly parented by this man. OP I think this has been a lucky escape for you. He's not a serious person.

You’ve had a lucky escape!

Logging off for the night.
Thank you once again; these responses have been amazingly helpful and reassure me I am not unreasonable.

The cat and I hope you all have a wonderful evening! x

He’s obviously gotten defensive because I’m sure even he can see the spoilt brats his children have become, and maybe feels a bit guilty about it.

However his response is completely unacceptable and over the top.

You have had a lucky escape OP you don’t deserve to be treated in this way and your house is not a hotel.

For me the big question is how can nearly 1 in 10 think you are being unreasonable? That is frankly unbelievable unless each is simply a parent who's kids would be better off in care? They obviously aren't up to the parenting job and probably spend all day drinking prosecco and posting banarl shit on social media 😇

Not saying it's the major issue here but I doubt OP's cat has enjoyed having two rude and inconsiderate teens around. Cat will also be relieved at the peace.

Definitely! Well done OP

Better to coach surf if it means putting your kids first! They clearly aren’t ready to have a step mum and that’s fine!

OP, when you pack up their stuff, take photos. I can imagine the kids deliberately breaking something of theirs and saying you must have done it and you need to buy them a new one.

I wonder how early tomorrow he’ll be messaging saying he’s coming back

Better to coach surf if it means putting your kids first! They clearly aren’t ready to have a step mum and that’s fine!

He hasn't put them first, he's let them down appallingly.

They're not ready to be anywhere but a monkey house by the sound of it.

This fairly new sentiment that "kids always come first no matter what" has bred a generation of entitled children who have received little to no parenting, think they can behave exactly as they please with no consequences, are ill-mannered and will be nightmare future employees. Yes, it is important to prioritise children but many lazy, entitled parents like your husband believe that this means allowing their children to entirely rule the roost with zero discipline.

The children sound like odious little brats, who on earth would want disgusting creatures who rub their snot on your sofas in their home? Not acceptable, particularly at their age. Using "gay" as an insult and this not being corrected and disciplined by their father, it sounds like they've been dragged up and not brought up. Your husband snarled at you when you tried to assert boundaries, the three of them should never be welcome in your home again. A family of repulsive, classless individuals.

He’s a shit parent and you’re better off without him.

there are some grey areas in your post as some stuff is normal age behaviour but this is why most step parents relationships break down.

Unfortunately everything you have described is part and parcel of dating someone with children, either learn to put up with it or find someone who is childless because it will never change, take it as a life lesson

You are well rid!

The fact that he allowed his children to treat you and your home so disrespectfully speaks volumes about his character.

My DH and I live together with one child each snd are very much a team. We expect the same manners/respect to be shown to each of us and other people too.

Your hopefully now ex sounds like a cocklodging Disney dad. How pathetic. You can do so much better.

Fully expect him to crawl back with promises of big changes. Do not trust him. A leopard cannot change its spots.

Op he's done you a favour by the sounds of it. I couldn’t live like that.