Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

Oh and start listening to your gut. It was screaming at you that this was wrong.
Trust your gut to try and protect you.
We are here for you.

Pretty much. I wouldn’t have tolerated that behaviour from my DC as toddlers, never mind teenagers, they sound truly truly awful, and he is a useless, lazy, parent. This is NOT normal behaviour!! And you’re right to stand up for yourself. Don’t let them back.

A dcat you say?. Why you have all the family you need op.
He isn't a df is he? Trying to be The Cool one has back fired....
Be glad you have booted him out now.ofw would have become worse and worse... Better and better for them...
Urgh he is the worst sort of man.

now I am looking forward to a peaceful, calm, clean home, just me and the cat, and a film on later without any distractions, to boot!

This could be your life, for the rest of your life. Please hold on to this thought if you ever feel like you're wavering.

I would disconnect that security camera pronto - otherwise he could use it to see when you leave the house, and try to gain entry (change the locks first! ). If you can't access them, sellotape something over the lens to stop it relaying images to his phone.

Also, Mumsnet is notoriously hard on stepmum figures, so the wave of support you’ve had shows you quite how in the right you are here. Best wishes.

I know you are feeling heartbroken, but it really sounds like you are better off without him and his attitude to your very valid feelings.

You’ve been massively taken advantage of and you are well rid of him. He can’t be bothered to parent and his children behave appalling as a result. Let him go and find someone who respects you.

Have a wonderful evening.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme or some therapy. You allowed this man to bulldoze his way into your home and you found it difficult to maintain any boundaries; frozen, while him and his children run roughshod over you.
He was even so confident, he reckoned he could flounce for a second time, then walk back in when you've calmed down.

You also have a mother with nonexistent standards, and it seems this behaviour has been learned. Now you need to unlearn it.

You are a young woman with much to offer. Build your resolve so next time you will take your time in choosing a man worthy of you; and if he isn't, you'll be able to spit him out quickly.

That's good to hear you're not worried about him being violent. I'd check into getting access to the camera software, then changing the password so he loses access. Do you pay the bill for the cams? If so, just do a password reset request.

If he retains access, he'll be able to check up on your movements, so I'd prioritise getting access to them.

How awful for you

Sounds to me like you are going to be much better off without any of them. His loss

Sending hugs x

I agree. People seem to confuse “putting children first” with “let them run riot and do whatever they want”.

Parents should obviously think of the impact on kids of new relationships, look after them well, stand up for them as needed - but this guy is just failing completely at being an effective parent and is raising two feral, nasty, lazy little shits. Grim.

I have been a step mum twice. My dh's son died last year at 16 but my ex had 2 kids when we got together. We share dd.

Never in 13 years being a step parent have my older 2 step kids ever behaved like this. Their dad was like your partner (ex?) Though and it is one of the reasons we split. However. I still have a super strong relationship with my older step kids. They are both adults and at uni, but I fetched dsd on Friday as her dad was working and my dh is picking up my dss from the station next weekend as his dad is working and their dm has split with her fella and moved about 200 miles away so isn't about much.

My dh's son could behave like your step kids. The difference being dh went fucking nuts at him for his behaviour. He 1000% had my back.

Yes kids can be little shits at times. They have crappy modes and lazy behaviour just like adults do. However, if their behaviour is not corrected that is not ok and you partner needs to stop being a disneu dad and parent his kids. I strongly suspect their mum would be pissed at their behaviour too!

Frankly @innersilentscreams you deserve better. Yes the kids need to be his priority but that doesn't mean you always come last. Despite the opinion of some on MN!

Change the locks and thank your luckybstars he has gone.

Even if we accept that kids will be kids, the problem is his reaction. He could have reasoned with you, tried to help you and the kids bond, but no, he threw a strop and blamed you. You’re well rid.

Sorry OP,but I have to agree with several previous posters in that you are better off without this family in your life. It sounds like they were making your life a misery. As for his reaction when you were upset, he sounds awful.

It’s not okay for them to behave this way, step kids or not! They are rude and disrespectful, and clearly Dad is letting them do what they like instead of telling them this behaviour is unacceptable. I wouldn’t let my kids behave like this in my home or anyone else’s home.

Also, I'm going to agree with everyone - this is not normal nor acceptable behaviour from teenagers. He's gaslighting you.

I've read all your updates. Those children are feral. They were clearly behaving in a similar way at their grandparents to how they've been at yours, which is probably why he moved so quickly to have them at yours without really asking.
The vandalism to your belongings is deliberate, possibly because they see you as taking their dad and grandparents away from them, as they now stay at yours rather than at granny's. You've given it a year which is more than long enough to give settling in and lose the novelty time.
You're well rid of all three of them. If they can't respect your home and behave civilly, they don't deserve to be anywhere near you. If he still has belongings at yours, pack them up and deliver them to his parents' home. Get him out completely and wholly, and change your locks. Take the cameras down too, you don't want him spying on you and trying to gain access when he sees you going out.
If you don't mind my saying, you're a people pleaser. It's probably from your childhood, mine was. I had clinical psychology intervention to understand and deal with mine. I hope you are able to develop your confidence to not be walked all over again by a partner. You don't deserve it.

I can't say I'm surprised! He's not behaving like a parent.

Please don't give him any of your time when he comes crawling back. You sound like a really decent and very patient person. You deserve someone better.

How had he done the right thing? By your own admission, the kids behaviour is at the extreme end of normal. So surely DP should have at least tried to address the concerns of their OP by at least attempting to address their behaviour. He’s literally thrown away an otherwise okay relationship of two years and taught the kids there are no consequences to their actions. At the same time it’s taken stability away from the kids who likely will be put through having to get know more of their dads partners.

He is a lazy parent... and expected you to just put up with it, which makes him a lazy partner too. It must have been a very difficult year.

He's getting praise for putting his kids first, but what is going to happen the next time he has a partner and the kids come to stay? The same thing probably. Yes, if you made then feel unwelcome, then of course he was right to take them away. However, it didn't sound like you were unwelcoming, it sounded from your post that their behaviour was unacceptable. Deliberately damaging your things, especially glasses, and him trying to persuade you what you witnessed with your own eyes didn't happen. It's unlikely to be a coincidence that he moved them in with you once his parents were getting fed up with the situation and as grandparents it would have been easier for them to speak up than a new girlfriend. It sounds like they resented you?

It may feel awful at the moment but realistically, he literally couldn't take any discussion from you that he saw as critical. There were lots of alternatives. He could have at least had a quiet calm talk with them, or committed to speaking up calmly when they were crossing boundaries. Instead he wouldn't even acknowledge it, he expected you to carry on quietly putting up with it and not challenging any of the three of them - because in the end that was so much easier for him, and he could present himself as the fun dad that didn't impose any restrictions on their behaviour.

Given the "snarling", It is likely that this is the way he would react to other major issues in the relationship where you both didn't agree and in a long term relationship there will be ups and downs and you'd need a partner that is at least willing to consider an issue and attempt to work through things. He doesn't sound like he fits the bill OP.

As I see from your update that he's stormed off like this before, its likely he will be soon be back to accept your heartfelt apology.

Enjoy your calm and peaceful weekend OP, wishing you all the best.

ps. I'm sure the camera manufacturer's website will tell you how to wrest control of the cameras back.. it might be useful.

Let him go

Yea kids come first. Allowing them to be rude and disgusting and disrespectful is not putting them first . It’s simply teaching them that the above behaviours are acceptable and this will continue into adulthood in their future relationships in their personal and working life and no one will bloody like them.

id run if I was you but if you want to sort it out simply tell him the above in a nicer way than I’ve put it and explain your asking for a bit of respect from everyone.

can a gaming corner be created somewhere else in the house? Controversially the bedroom?

can you find films you can all tolerate? Cool runnings, E.T, men in black, Harry Potter, lord of the rings, hook, Star Wars films like that

it is a bit harsh the no eating in the lounge when it comes to kids. Can you have a bin in the lounge that may help? Tell him to order you a lovely throw that covers the arms and backs of the sofa you can get fitted covers these days

but as for the ignoring you. That’s out of order and he needs to have a quiet word and say that they don’t have to like you but they have to be respectful to you

Good points- I also am shocked that he has walked out on a rent free (I own outright) home and added change and chaos to the kids' lives, just to prove some kind of point.

He had a dream situation, and me voicing my feelings surely doesn't warrant this extreme behaviour? It's like a teenage strop.

I feel awful for his parents, though they never messaged me condolences or said them to my face when a close family member passed away last year, so I've felt resentful about that anyway. Petty, I know. They just completely ignored it.

Considering I'd been in their lives two years pretty much at that point, and they called me daughter in law, I was surprised. Maybe I had unrealistic expectations; who knows?

You what? Why the unsolicited "advice"? Has OP mentioned wanting kids of her own? I can't see that she has. What a bizarre post.