Told my DP I was upset by Stepkids' disrespectful behaviour, and now it looks like my relationship is over

[innersilentscreams]

Not sure if I want a hand hold or to be told I need to give my head a wobble, or whether I have done the right thing, but after a year of putting up with step kids (11 and 14) doing the following in my home, I finallty told my partner how unhappy I was, and he flipped, telling me I was being unreasonable.

So, this is what has been going on for the past year, when they come to stay at weekends:

ignoring me in my own home
breaking/damaging my stuff and lying about it
eating in the front room and leaving packets and empty plastic bottles around despite a no food in the lounge rule
dropping crisps and chocolate everywhere and not cleaning it up
wiping snot and food residue all over my sofa and chairs
gaming on 2 separate PCS/TVs in the lounge talking on headsets to their mates loudly almost 24/7, and the eldest continuing to do this whilst we try to watch a film on the other TV, so we can't hear anything
When we try to watch a film together they are on ipads or phones and complain constantly or ridicule our choice (that's SO BORING, UGH SO GAY)
Kicking off if asked to get off their games as we want to get out for a bike ride or walk (WHY? GOD!!! NOOOOOOOO!!! THAT'S SO BORING/GAY!!!)
Throwing things and misbehaving in cafes and restaurants so we have to leave
being told being here is SO BORING

There are more but I just don't want to go on.

Last night, after a day of gaming, complaining and general disrespect again, I went off to our room to cry quietly and after about an hour my partner came in to ask what was up.

I told him I felt sad we can't even watch a movie in our lounge, and that the youngest was eating again in there, despite me asking him not to, whilst also shouting BORING at the film we put on (whilst his brother was still chatting to his mates on Fortnite sat next to us).

I just said it makes me feel so sad that this is our lives when they stay, and that it's ridiculous that they get to rule the roost and dominate the lounge like this, won't make conversation, often ignore me, and I feel like a ghost in my own home.

My partner snarled at me that that was just how kids are and that I was unreasonable, and then added he now doesn't want his kids coming here.

I just couldn't believe how unsupportive he was, and frankly how nasty his face and tone were.

He went off to sleep like nothing had happened and I couldn't sleep.

This morning he was annoyed at me for still being sad/upset, and again snarled the kids won't ever be coming back here anyway. I just said 'OK', which enraged him more and then he said he would be packing his bag too. I agreed he should leave if that's what he wants, and that perhaps we shouldn't live together anymore.

He left.

I'm devastated. I knew step parenting was hard, but I thought my partner should at least agree to boundaries and them showing respect.

Am I being unreasonable?

My mum said his kids should always come first, and that all the above behaviours are normal, so we should just talk and sort it out. She said this is the baggage he comes with, and this is step parenting.

I just don't know what to think. I feel physically sick that me raising these issues led to this.

I have no kids by the way. 39. We have been together 3 years.

No, he hasn't.

He is an idiot who is raising feral kids.

She has had a lucky escape.

I'm trying to imagine how this scenario plays out in Superdad's head. He thinks he's the big hero right now, sticking up for his kids, I guarantee it. He's probably utterly confident OP will let him in with big apologies later for criticising his family. Maybe he'll let her blame it on hormones if he's feeling magnanimous Fuck that shit.

I’m angry for you. Hold strong and don’t let him back.

I agree with others that he’s probably going to try and work his way back in, btw.

He doesn’t respect you. He thinks you’re so hopelessly in love with him/desperate that you’ll bend over backwards to have him back and be too fearful to broach the subject again.

I really wouldn’t give him, or them, the time of day. Be prepared for him to try and get back in when he realizes you’re not running after him, promising everything you want without any intention of actually keeping his word.

If you can, I would recommend working on your confidence. Being passive and not standing up for yourself does leave you open to being taken advantage of by people like him. They are adept at picking up on this vulnerability, and exploiting it. So what if they get offended and upset at being told no? Let them! They don’t care about how you feel, do they? Don’t fear not having people who do this in your life, that is in fact something to be welcomed.

Mine are 15 and 10. 10 year old watches simpsons all day on the tv crafts at table then leaves it a bloody.mess. she did tidy today though when was pissed off for it. She has had a walk with me to the shop. Then the 15 year old stays upstairs all day on her phone watching tv did cinema with me but she won't go walking with me. They aren't babies and they are messy.

He is dependent of you OP. Im surprised he threw this tantrum. He must not realise how sweet he had it. He has overplayed his hand.
You don't depend on him at all. In fact, your life would peaceful and pleasant without him and children.

Can't they do everything in their own room with their own tv

I am wondering if this is how he sees things too.
He completely defended their behaviour, even excusing the eldest talking on Fortnite during our film by saying: 'He was talking QUIETLY', like it's completely normal to watch a film with a screen right next to you and a teenager gabbing away to his friends the whole time.

I think he thinks it's all perfectly reasonable, I really do.
I'm the unreasonable one.

Just noticed that a wire on the clothes horse in the lounge has been pulled so far forwards out of alignment it's bent and useless now.
Has to have been done on purpose as if it had fallen over, the outer metal frame would protect it, it just wouldn't be pulled forwards past the metal outer frame and bent, no way.
FFS

This.
he needs to be a parent not a doormat

Please don't let anyone on this thread or in real life tell you this is normal teenage behaviour. It's really, really not. Yes kids might accidentally drop or forget a wrapper but a simple "you've left some rubbish in the lounge, go and put it in the bin" is usually met with an eye roll but most teenagers will haul themselves back into the lounge to clean their mess. Yes teenagers don't want to watch the same stuff as their parents and would sometimes prefer to be on their devices, but it's not normal to allow this to take over the whole house. When my child got too loud, he was told to quieten down and because he was raised to know that despite being the best boy in the world he wasn't in fact the centre of the universe and his wants don't trump everyone else's. As for scratching your glasses, it is absolutely not normal behaviour to deliberately ruin someone's belongings and to me would indicate that this child is really trying to tell his dad something...probably that he is hurting and confused and angry. For his dad to dismiss his behaviour is neglectful.

Let's see how he gets on when the brats wipe bogeys on grandma's sofa, take over her lounge and moan that everything is boring and "gay". I have a funny feeling he won't snarl at his parents and tell them it's normal because they are children.

How on earth have you put up with it for so long?? I would genuinely have sent them all packing the first time I saw them wiping snot on my sofa and being obnoxious in a restaurant!!

Ffs, what is wrong with your partner, allowing this to continue unchecked?? They all sound feral! You will be so much happier without them OP 💖👌🏻💖

Definitely a lucky escape.
He needs to learn to parent his kids, he isn't doing then any favours at all.
I wonder how long before he tries to come back?
Stand strong, OP, don't let him worm his way back in. You did absolutely the right thing.

This is not normal but the combination of them having been brought up this way and only being the step mum, while dad doesn't care, means you cannot change it - you can only leave them to it. Please don't take him back thinking it'll be different, only do so if this is how you want to live. Remember you can still date him (if you want to) without living together, it's not all or nothing.

Kids already addicted to gaming are not suddenly going to start going out on walks or bike rides or being able to sit through a film. The groundwork and expectations have to be laid earlier. It's their normal, thank god it's not normal normal, but it'll take a lot to change it, way more effort than it would have taken the parents to prevent it getting this bad. This in itself shows your DP in a bad light, he'll take an easy option which is bad long term and not care.

That's one if the most outrageous points, she sees the kid damage her glasses with her own eyes and he says it didn't happen. He's a manipulative liar.

Yanbu and good riddance. It's quite right that he left, his children should come first for him. There's no way he should be inflicting such nasty adolescents on any woman so it's right for him to be single until they are independent adults.

Be very cautious in future of any man with kids from a previous relationship. Some such men are decent, including a few of my friends, but they are far outnumbered by gits who are looking for a doormat-woman to exploit.

Pack all his stuff in black sacks and chuck them in the shed, garage etc.

Many reasons will be given, excuses really, for why the kids behaved as they have but none of them are okay. Add in his attitude to you and it's best it is over.

Please stand your ground and DO NOT have him back. Get the locks changed

I don’t see this as him putting his children first at all. It felt more like him being very angry that you had an opinion and some criticism about his children and his parenting. Then flouncing off without any apology to you or resolving anything. He could insist that they respect people, their homes and their boundaries, just as others should respect theirs. I was a step child and wouldn’t have dreamed of behaving like this, even though I did struggle at times to cope with my situation and the relationships.

Have you quoted the wrong poster? I see nothing wrong with that post. It's spot on.

Well done for finding your boundaries.

Your life can be so much better than this.

Actually, yes. If this really is only your house, get the locks changed. If the children wreck your stuff when you are with their father, they may let themselves in and go wild.

My teenage children don't behave like that and all of my nieces and nephews don't behave like that . So no it's not normal.
I don't know how you kept quiet about it for so long.
Ge obviously was hoping you would say sorry and let it all continue. Good for you for not !