He bought me flowers.. with my own money

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I feel a bit weird about this today and I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable.

DP runs out of money a week or so before he gets paid. If we (or our children) need something I let him use my card. He transfers me money when he gets his wages, in this case next week.

This morning he comes in with flowers which surprised me as he doesn't have any money. I thought he might have put some aside especially, with it being mother's day.

It turns out he's bought them for me on my card. I've paid for my own mother's day present.

I could have done without them to be honest as I'm a bit lower on funds than I usually would be myself this week.

AIBU to not be happy/grateful about this? I haven't said anything as I don't want to put a dampener on the day for the kids.

YANBU.
You need to sit down and discuss your finances. Why is he running out of money? He needs to reduce his spending or get another job.
Stop funding him. You are not his mother.
What are the living arrangements? Who owns the home?

I think it's sh#t he's used your money, but if it's something yous have in place where he relies on you that week and then pays you back, it might not have seemed like a big deal to him? I would be bothered by it, but not enough to say anything/dampen the day as you say. As long as he pays you back with his wages! Although I'd be bummed he didn't buy something in preparation before he ran out of money, but by the sounds of it he doesn't manage finances well so I probably wouldn't expect anything else 🤷‍♀️

I can see why you're annoyed , and this incident shows that this financial arrangement doesn't work for you. If you keep your money separate for whatever reason then I think you should tell him that you won't be loaning him your card any more.

I'm guessing separate finances are down to him being bad with money.

What's the normal way you split money? It's all one pot in my house so this wouldn't be an issue. Do you earn more than him or is he paying for more or do you have similar disposable income but he's worse at stretching it?

Seperate finances are due to him being bad with money yes.

I do all the budgeting and bill paying, he just transfers me his portion the day he gets paid.

I've made all the right noises infront of the children so they're happy, I'm just feeling a bit flat about it all today as like you mentioned.. he could have prepared in advance, he knew it was coming.

That's really gross and pathetic of him. You are absolutely right not to be happy about it, but why does he make a habit of running out of money two weeks before he gets paid? They're both shitty unacceptable things, but the predictable running out of money one is the thing I'd be more pissed off about, and you seem fine with that?

TBF u have agreed and facilitated this set up.
It's only unfair if he doesn't pay you back.

Why would you think he would secretly save up? Has he secretly saved up before? Why do you think he will magically change overnight?

What’s the difference though?
My DH paid for flowers out of what is our joint money, so I could say I paid for half?

Why does he always run out of money that is the question.What happens if there is an emergency? Sit down with him and tell him he needs to budget and stop lending . Enjoy the flowers and make sure he pays you back.Stop lending money.

I think my answer depends on whether he pays you back for the flowers next week. Because I've been here long enough to not be one bit surprised when he pays you back for his week's spends minus the flowers, because, 'but they were for you anyway!'

Otherwise, it can reasonably be argued that he still wanted to mark the day with what he thought would be a nice gesture, and he'll settle up with you on payday. Not great, but not as bad as the above!

But a grown man consistently out of money to the point you have to sub him is an entirely different issue. PPs are right, you are not his mother, and he shouldn't see your bank account as an extension of his allowing him to be reckless with his own.

I earn a bit more than him but not a huge amount, he's definitely worse at stretching his 'left over' money and seems completely incapable of budgeting.

Although I am thinking, he has absolutely no need or inclination to budget anymore if he knows I can carry us at the end of the month.

I'm no longer happy with this arrangement.

It’s the thought that counts… . Would you be more disappointed if you hadn’t got anything.

What does he spend his money on to be running out each month?

Tell him that he needs to earn more or spend less, but the subbing stops now. Unless there is an unfair expectation of what he should contribute? But if not, he needs to grow up and budget.

@PsychoHotSauce exactly. What would he do if the op was also shit with money and had nothing spare in the last week of the month. Why can't he get a credit card to bridge the gap? I suspect the answer is that he would just max it out.

Put up with what you've always put up with, and you'll get what you always got.

Time to stop subsidising this grown man. You're not his mum.

YABU it’s not ideal but if he always pays the money back to you then he has paid really. At least he bothered to think of you and buy flowers. A lot of mothers don’t have partners who would have done so. Agree with pp though that maybe worth discussing his outgoings to see why there is always a shortfall of money each month. Hope you have a nice Mother’s Day!

Do you do an equal amount of work and childcare?

You know he is bad with money. As a couple, you have a mechanism in place for managing the impact of this which is to give him your card for spending to be repaid when he is paid.

In his eyes, he will be paying you the money back anyway so what does it matter what he spends it on?

The bigger issue is addressing this situation going forwards.

If I had this system in place, I can't say I'd be too bothered that he'd chosen to spend some money on flowers and I wouldn't consider it as having bought my own present.

However, if I were running a bit l0w on funds myself, I would have stated a limit he could spend or pre warned him that using my card and paying me back wasn't an option this month.

Although, I wouldn't have the system in place because it's ridiculous.

There are two issues here:

1. the fact that he consistently runs out of money each month and has to borrow from you - that needs a serious chat about budgeting, spending etc.
2. the fact that you believe “I've paid for my own mother's day present” - well you haven’t really if he always pays you back - you won’t end up out of pocket for your present. Although I understand you’re a bit miffed that he didn’t bother to prioritise putting money aside in advance.

The point is there’s a much bigger issue here than you effectively having loaned him money for your flowers, and that’s what you should focus on.

Can't do right for doing wrong really can he?

@DenholmElliot11 he could manage his money better.

What has happened previous years?

Doesnt sound like this should be of any surprise to you

Although I am thinking, he has absolutely no need or inclination to budget anymore if he knows I can carry us at the end of the month.

I agree.

I'm no longer happy with this arrangement.

I think this is the crux of why it's pissed you off. So let him know before payday that it won't be happening anymore so he has plenty of warning and then you can't feel guilty or obligated into doing it again.

Surely these things happen in a long term relationship. They aren't dating they are a couple. Sometimes someone else pays out a few quid extra, or super sizes the macdonalds, or has two sandwiches at lunchtime instead of 1? Surely people aren't keeping tabs like this in long term relationship? Please tell me they don't?

I understand you’re a bit miffed that he didn’t bother to prioritise putting money aside in advance.

I think this sums it up for me and is how I'm feeling.

I thought (hoped) that because he knew mothers day was coming up he would have made a point of putting a small amount aside to cover cards and a small present. Fiver on a box of chocolates or whatever.

Our DC made their own mothers day cards at school and nursery thankfully.