He bought me flowers.. with my own money

[Aftuwbdkaneuqbdmow]

I feel a bit weird about this today and I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable.

DP runs out of money a week or so before he gets paid. If we (or our children) need something I let him use my card. He transfers me money when he gets his wages, in this case next week.

This morning he comes in with flowers which surprised me as he doesn't have any money. I thought he might have put some aside especially, with it being mother's day.

It turns out he's bought them for me on my card. I've paid for my own mother's day present.

I could have done without them to be honest as I'm a bit lower on funds than I usually would be myself this week.

AIBU to not be happy/grateful about this? I haven't said anything as I don't want to put a dampener on the day for the kids.

Always thought mother's day is when children celebrate their mothers with the money they make, be it a newspaper run or first job. Before they make money - handmade cards? Where does he come into with his flowers bought with your money? He is not your child, therefore it is all weird.

What does he spend his money on?

you say you earn roughly the same?

so he transfers you a portion of the bills, then he needs to put the rest on a chase/revolut type card so he can only spend what he has. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

i had a neighbour who was “bad with money” and her husband was always having to “loan” her money. Turns out she was being financially abused. She simply did not have enough every month.

so I am aware there can be two sides..

does your dh spend money on himself? The kids? What’s his disposable income like compared to yours.

Your mind must be blown every day by so much

This is what would happen.

Living together for the first year was stressful as hell because he would be running out of money and not say anything about it until it had already ran out, then I'd be put in a difficult position and have to juggle everything myself.

He isn't a high earner but neither am I, I just budget accordingly.

The irony is I have quite severe inattentive ADHD.. and I'm the one shouldered with all of the budgeting, admin etc.

He is just no good with things like this.

I believe it was a similar situation with his previous partner.

I was in my very early 20's when we got together (he's 10 years older) and overlooked a lot of things on account of the good parts.

Does a large part of this disappointment rest on the fact that a grown man lacks discipline so much, you can't be made to feel special one day of the year?

Does his lack of discipline and responsibility extends to other areas of your relationship- job, childcare, domestic duties?

i couldn’t live like this. A grown man in his 30s maybe older who can’t manage his own money?

I bet you carry most of the mental load well

How long have you been together and how old are the children?
Do you have plans to marry?

Think about the bigger picture here for your kids.

You know he’s crap with money, you allow him to use your card when he’s short so he’s not done anything that you aren’t ok with, or at least haven’t communicated to him that you aren’t ok with.

He could have just not bothered at all and you’d have been disappointed he didn’t bother and your kids would be upset that they didn’t get you anything.

You need to separate the two issues and deal with the finances with him.

He does spend on the children and doesn't have any expensive hobbies like gambling, he doesn't even drink alcohol or go to the pub. He's just crap with spending.

He does vape but so do I.

He's forever going to the shop, can't walk past a newsagents without 'getting a drink' then suddenly he has spent £20. Repeat on a daily basis and that's over £400 a month.

If I ask him to pick up some milk and bread from the supermarket he comes back with that plus loads of random crap.

£20 here, £30 there, it all adds up.

What a loser

What does he do for a living? I'm wondering if he could get promotion to earn more, although he still needs to deal with his shocking budgeting.

We've been together years, our eldest is 7.

The things that bother me now didn't bother me at all almost 10 years ago when we met. When you love somebody you overlook a lot of things don't you? Maybe me more than most 😐

I think you're right. How have any money conversations gone? Is he resistant?

You would be better off without this man in your life. Not just financially.

I agree with @Woollypullie that he is stuck in a loop of using next months pay to repay his prior month ‘loan’ and so having less for the month ahead. Is the amount he borrows each month broadly the same or is it increasing ?

In reality, he only needs to break this for one month, to tighten his belt and not overspend for him to break this cycle and not be reliant on you.

That said, it sounds from your messages that you aren’t particularly happy to be honest, so perhaps there is more to think about than just finances ?

So he’s nearer 40 than 30?

you do over look things until that one day when the hormone goggles wear off and you realise you’re saddled with another child only this one won’t grow up

He hasn't used your money though if he's paying it back like usual. Yabu

Living together for the first year was stressful as hell because he would be running out of money and not say anything about it until it had already ran out, then I'd be put in a difficult position and have to juggle everything myself.
He isn't a high earner but neither am I, I just budget accordingly.
The irony is I have quite severe inattentive ADHD.. and I'm the one shouldered with all of the budgeting, admin etc.
He is just no good with things like this.
I believe it was a similar situation with his previous partner.
I was in my very early 20's when we got together (he's 10 years older) and overlooked a lot of things on account of the good parts.

Sorry for you @Aftuwbdkaneuqbdmow - are the 'good parts' still worth it? Only you can decide that.

But you didn't have children then. It's easy to overlook stuff when you're only responsible for yourself.

Yep! Becoming a mother and being responsible for small humans that need you changes perspective!

All our finances are joint so technically I’ve been paying for half of every Mother’s Day, Christmas, birthday and adhoc present for myself for the last 27 years

💐💐.

Of course he has, OP isn't a bank providing him with an overdraft facility, it's HER money. Why exactly do you think he's entitled to take her money whenever he wants?

I'm staggered with the amount of women posting to suggest the problem is with your standards and that you just need to lower them.

I was in my very early 20's when we got together (he's 10 years older) and overlooked a lot of things on account of the good parts.

That's sad.

So does he transfer just enough to pay bills & the rest is his?

Tbh I couldn't be with someone who can't manage money.

@Aftuwbdkaneuqbdmow
Will he return the money for them next week?
that’s the first thing

Then it’s sit and talk next week about the fact he is always rubbish with money and you don’t want him using your card now.
Explain that when he used your card on mothers day day you were already low ( would he have knew this )
Also say it felt poor as he should have saved some money for a special day.

I wouldn’t say anything today but have a proper financial talk next week.

But why tho? It's completely unrealistic if he has never behaved this way before.

It's like him waking up and deciding that you would be a completely different person from the night before. It makes zero sense