He bought me flowers.. with my own money

[Aftuwbdkaneuqbdmow]

I feel a bit weird about this today and I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable.

DP runs out of money a week or so before he gets paid. If we (or our children) need something I let him use my card. He transfers me money when he gets his wages, in this case next week.

This morning he comes in with flowers which surprised me as he doesn't have any money. I thought he might have put some aside especially, with it being mother's day.

It turns out he's bought them for me on my card. I've paid for my own mother's day present.

I could have done without them to be honest as I'm a bit lower on funds than I usually would be myself this week.

AIBU to not be happy/grateful about this? I haven't said anything as I don't want to put a dampener on the day for the kids.

This is my question . What is he spending it on?

Gosh, you may be able to plod along now but are you concerned about your future/preparing for retirement?

If you were both being sensible with money you may be able to save or at least be a bit more secure. He is draining your abllity to prepare for a rainy day which is a scary thing, especially with kids.

I would start thinking long term OP, not just getting through the next month.

I'm not sure a joint pot with someone terrible with money is the answer. That way he will just spend all of hers too! OP, how about getting him to transfer more for bills (eg. Food) at the start of the month so that you can set it aside? It's not ideal but it may be the only way.

If he's routinely paying you back for whatever he's charged on your card (or his share if it's an expense for the household/children) then he probably didn't think twice about charging the flowers. He should learn to budget and his current habits seem really childish and aggravating, but you're giving him a safety net so it's super easy for him to use it and he's unlikely to challenge himself to do anything harder while that's there.

I think for persons who have joint finances, it's natural that everything is bought from the joint account and not with monopoly money.

Those saying 'at least he did', have barrel bottom standards.

Mother's Day didn't just creep up out of nowhere- he knew it was coming. He isn't having a bad month - he's habitually broke.

They have separate finances and he knows he has no self-control, so he should've bought the card/gift when he was last paid and put it away. All it would have meant, is a few less stops at the corner shop this month.
It's what grown-ups do.

There’s much more going on here than flowers.

A full and frank discussion is required asap about your financial situation as a couple. The biggest problem you have is a partner who is crap with money. You can’t carry on like this, having to bail him out every month.

Full disclosure of your finances is needed with a sensible plan in place going forward.

Hey, I'd just be happy he made the effort. I paid for the mother in laws flowers yesterday and am still waiting for my husband or son to even acknowledge me today.

But he will pay you back!

what is it with mothers behaving like spoilt 5 year olds

you need to find out why he has running out of money and stop that

The thing is if he can continually borrow from you he's never going to budget. Stop doing it. If he runs out of money that's tough.

He's had all years to prioritise a little money to get you a bunch of flowers. That would upset me.

Strange he bought you flowers. You're not his mother. He could have paid for a present from the children. If he pays you back then you won't have paid for your present.

We are another couple with pooled money so you could say we both pay for our own presents. Also when they were little we each took the children to buy a present for mummy or daddy at Christmas or birthdays, mother's day etc. So we paid for our own presents from the kids. It's not a biggie it's family life for us.

I don’t work. So every gift I buy for dh, he technically pays for. It’s the thought isn’t it?

You definitely need to raise the issue but not in relation to Mothers’ day. He is stuck in a cycle of owing you as he has the money when he was paid, he pays you back for the previous month, runs out then needs to borrow it again. Maybe you could come to an agreement where you could partially clear the debt to you and he also has a saving target for the month by cutting back a reasonable amount on his personal spending. Then the following month he should be able to budget and have enough to last without borrowing from you.

A spoilt 5 year old to not want to play bank to your adult partner? That's one hell of a take. Surely the spoilt 5 year old is the man who can't manage his money and then goes running to OP with his hand out feeling fully entitled to a sub from her? Oh wait no, he doesn't even ask, he just takes.

Well I could say the same thing since we have a joint account and my DH doesn't work, but I don't think about it like that.

Why doesn’t he transfer ALL his salary to you when he gets paid, then you transfer him a weekly amount that he can spend on stuff for him and if he runs out, he has to cope until the next week.

I’d hate to have to baby a man like that as it would give me the complete ick, but at least that way he’d always be covering his share of the bills etc and only spending what he has left over on fun stuff 🤷‍♀️

I understand why you need to keep finances separate but your money is still shared.

Even if he used his own card, I assume he pays half of the bills and so his money is still shared.

I think this is a red herring (and something you should let go of) and focus on the real issue of your relationship.

What a loser.
Unfortunately he showed you exactly how big z loser he was and you okayed it by staying.

You need to make it clear that it is no longer ok.
You need to take a much bigger slice of his money and you need to stop giving over your card to him. Fxxk that.

I have 3 kids with part time jobs that manage their money better.

You need to get out of this relationship.
Start planning.

Unfortunately some people never learn to handle money , they just constantly find new people to pick up after them and/or get into debt. There's a high chance your partner is like this.

Don’t put a downer on the day.

He’s just used the system you have set up, and will pay you back.

If you didn’t want him to spend on your card this month you needed to be clear about that in advance.

He was potentially in a no-win situation.

He is bad with money and uses you as his own personal cash point.

You knew he was bad with money so much so you have to have separate finances.

He’s never needed to prioritise anything financially because you weren’t so bothered before. One could argue you should have been but it’s moot really.

Are you going to change anything about your current arrangement ?

Treat him like the child he is and refuse him any more “advances” ? I assume it is spare money for him and you both after income is already split and bills paid ? That you just manage your charge better ?

Same in our household except I'm the one that pays for everything. According to this thread generally (although not OP to be fair!) anyone earning less than their partner, nevermind not working at all, is scrounging from them.

I would find it a real turn-off if I had to sub my partner at the end of each month - literally running out of money because he wastes money on crap all month is not acceptable.

As a grown adult he needs to build up a buffer of money for emergencies - what happens if an unexpected bill comes in? Well I guess we know what happens - you would have to loan him the money for that too.

You need to have a frank conversation with him - it’s not just about the flowers - it sounds like this arrangement is just not working for you anymore and I don’t blame you.

@Aftuwbdkaneuqbdmow when you first got together it didn't matter if he spent £20 in the shop, now you've got dc it does. Every £1 he spends on juice or snacks or whatever is another £1 that you can't spend as a family (same goes for vaping to be fair).

Are there things you'd like to do as a family that aren't possible because he runs out of money and you have to sub him? Could you plan together at the start of the month for a family treat - nothing extravagant, cinema and a pizza - that both of you contribute equally towards at the end of the month, using the money you both have left. If he's got no money the treat doesn't happen. You don't sub him his share. Obviously you woudn't have told dc about the potential treat to avoid their disappointment. That way his random spending has real consequences, not for your mothers day flowers, but for his dc.

Every time it happens he is prioritising his instant gratification over something nice for your dc. Is he really that selfish?

Stop funding him, it's just enabling him.

I think that his intentions in buying the flowers were good and it's unsurprising that he would borrow from you in these circumstances as this is the habit you have established together.
Some people are rubbish with money and it's hard for them to change or even understand what changing would involve, though those of us who don't have this problem can't see why they don't just budget and spend less if necessary.
You could suggest that he goes on some kind of course or looks into a StepChange programme, and/or that he gives you all of his money at the beginning of the month and you feed his personal spending money back to him week by week so he doesn't run out.