He bought me flowers.. with my own money

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I feel a bit weird about this today and I'm wondering if I'm being unreasonable.

DP runs out of money a week or so before he gets paid. If we (or our children) need something I let him use my card. He transfers me money when he gets his wages, in this case next week.

This morning he comes in with flowers which surprised me as he doesn't have any money. I thought he might have put some aside especially, with it being mother's day.

It turns out he's bought them for me on my card. I've paid for my own mother's day present.

I could have done without them to be honest as I'm a bit lower on funds than I usually would be myself this week.

AIBU to not be happy/grateful about this? I haven't said anything as I don't want to put a dampener on the day for the kids.

Blokes don’t put themselves out until they can see and feel a reason to. He has no reason to change his life.

Give him a reason. Don’t allow him to be comfortable at the expense of you. Be the stone in his shoe. Be quietly inexorable.

But.

many couples as soon as dc come along have a joint pot, as there’s often one party who does more housework/childcare/earns more

so - any mother who has a ‘joint pot’ - that’s everyone who is married, what’s mine is yours, plus everyone who joins anyway, is funding their own.

the way you manage money needs to change to all in to one pot, bills and kids out, remainder split 50/50 and in ti each of your separate accounts at fun money. If he runs out, tough, it’s only fun money, he can wait.

@DenholmElliot11 we don't , but we are both financially responsible and trust each other enough to have joint accounts for bills , shopping and saving.

Exh was terrible with cash and shared a joint account. It was absolute hell.

I'm not aware of him doing this on previous years and always assumed he'd put the money aside, or had the money himself (for the things he bought me - because he always has bought me something)

Though maybe he has been doing this for years and I just didn't know because I didn't ask (like I did this morning)

He used the money for your children to give you flowers on Mothers Day. He did it for them. Jeez what’s the alternative? You joint the hoardes of women who don’t feel seen and appreciated today.

YABU

Maybe if people's " mums" didn't sub them once they ran out of money then they'd learn to budget better.

An ex if mine was awful with money. His mum used to loan him cash when he ran out and often didn't insist he paid it back. She didn't do him ( not any of his partners) any bloody favours

. He ended up bankrupt in the end

Op open up a monzo or startling account and have different pots in there, have rolling savings for stuff like this you both contributed too like Christmas, holidays and birthday and occasions.
Once he can see money growing and being stable it may slowly help him re think his own habits.
Have another account for bills and what's left is his assume they are his dc.
Every month dh and I money flies out into such a system everything is covered, food petrol bills obviously and each weekend we have a set amount we can spend on going out or a takeaway.

You are no longer happy with this arrangement.
That's exactly what you need to tell him.
It's unattractive,.makes you out to be a mother like figure which you are not-you are not his mother.
He needs to sort his finances out so Stop subbing him.

What are the living arrangements? Who owns the home?

This issue aside, this can’t be a happy relationship

We rent, tenancy is joint between us.

There's some good advice here thank you!

The alternative would be to wake up with no card or flowers. I imagine he's done it so that the kids have something to give you. My dp and I have done similar in the past if we're short and it's our birthday/Christmas. I think if he intends to pay you back when his wages come in then you should see the good intentions although perhaps a discussion should have taken place with the fact that he has run out of funds and how much he intends to borrow.

To be honest it isn't really. We plod along just fine but we are more like housemates who co-parent than romantic partners, maybe that's why I feel a little resentful of the dynamic.

It isn't something that used to bother me but now it does.

I'd absolutely not be letting him use your card any more as otherwise he will never learn to budget.

I'd suggest helping him with finances. Work out how much spare he has a month then divide this amount by 5. E.g. if he has a spare £250 a month after paying essentials then a fifth of this is £50, so he can then get £50 cash out on Sundays to last him for a week. If the month only has 4 Sundays then the extra £50 goes to savings.

So really…. It’s actually even surprising he bothered to do anything

So it’s not a particularly happy relationship on either side.

Say thanks for the bits and crack on
or address the much bigger issue. You and he aren’t happy

When you took on the budgeting he understood that he didn't have to take responsibility for managing his own finances.

You merely are parenting him.

Never mind today, the fact that you are accepting this ongoing piss take is very sad.

'DP runs out of money a week or so before he gets paid. If we (or our children) need something I let him use my card. He transfers me money when he gets his wages, in this case next week.'

Why are you facilitating this?

Either he gets a better job or takes on a second job so that he doesn't have to scrounge off you.

He should be feeling humiliated and mortified after doing this once but doing it every month shows he doesn't care.

Either he steps up or look at your finances and see if you'd be better off without this lazy man.

It sounds like it's time you had a serious conversation with him. Some men seem.to think it's OK for them.to do whatever they want, when they want and don't grow up. I know, I've spent 44 years waiting for a change - you've got to speak up, else it'll be year on year disappointment- sorry!

It looks to me that he pays back the borrowed money when he gets paid, thus leaving him with not enough income, so has to borrow the same amount back on a continuous loop. If this is the case then you are not actually out of pocket.
Can you have a joint account for house stuff, then keep your personal spending separately ?

Sadly it sounds like, if he'd put money aside earlier in the month to buy something he would have just run out earlier and started using your card earlier, so you would have ended up funding your own gift that way. If you're not happy subsidising him, you need to have that conversation and stop doing it, so that he knows that when it's gone, it's really gone. At the moment he's got no incentive to learn how to budget, which is not great for an adult.

If he always pays you back a week later, he probably doesn’t see it as spending your money, because he will reimburse you.

That said, I can understand how this all feels a bit flat and sad. I think the bigger issue is his financial problems and the fact he has to borrow money each month, I hope this has spurred you on to have a chat with him and get that provlem sorted.

Stop floating him at the end of the month.
Tell him you can't next month when he asks.

Because they have seperate finances and budgets. Now she’s short of money

This is really thoughtless. He spent all his money knowing Mother’s Day was coming up. And then last minute got you a gift with your money.Even if he genuinely had no money he and kids could have made a cake or a picture instead.

People saying OP is infantalising DH by managing the household budget herself - should she really allow a spendthrift to take over? Risking no food for the children or unpaid bills mounting up!

In this situation I'd definitely manage finances myself including his - I'd keep credit cards to myself, give him a debit card with no overdraft facility, pay weekly pocket money into it, and plan my exit strategy!

I doubt he sees it as you paying for your own flowers as he'll be paying you back next week for anything he's borrowed. I don't think it's anything worth spoiling the day for, aside from better budgeting, the alternative would have been that you didn't get the flowers.
The real joy is seeing the children excited to bring you the flowers. I'm a single parent and whilst my children would get me gifts using their own money, I would often have to give them their pocket money in advance for it! You could say that's different, and it is, but I would just enjoy the day and forget about it.