She doesn’t know any mums that are happy

[Yousaiditnotme]

Did anyone hear/see Chappell Roan’s podcast about not wanting kids?
She was saying how all her friends with kids were just living in hell, how she doesn’t see anyone happy with kids, how there’s no light in their eyes etc.

I thought it was interesting, any thoughts?

Bingo! Only took 6 pages.

Why cant people say they dont want children without dragging mums down and saying things about their appearance, how they've aged, they're dead behind the eyes, their marriages fail, they all look stressed and miserable....

My life before being a mum was fabulous, I am highly educated, great job, fab husband, house, pets and amazing travels and holidays but it has more meaning and love in it since having a child and I dont know a single mum who doesnt love being a mum, even on the hardest days

And on the flip side, why can't parents say how much they love being a parent without insulting those of us who have chosen to remain child-free?

Over the years I've been told my life has no purpose, I don't know what love is, I'm going to be a lonely old lady full of regrets and that my life can't have any meaning because I haven't had a child.

Personally I think those things are much more offensive than telling someone they've aged or look stressed all the time.

Same reason mums can’t wait to tell childfree people their lives are meaningless and they’ll never know real love I guess.

I don't know a single friend or family member that has enjoyed motherhood.
Mostly because the men in their lives are utter shit.

Chappelle Roan is only 27. Probably still growing up. Yet to realise that when all the hedonism and petty ambition is exhausted you are scrabbling around for the anchor of meaning, love and purpose

^ prime example of what people are referring to.

Life can be amazing without the "anchor and purpose" of kids

I have two kids and im
very happy.

I didn’t want children at 27. 12 years later I now have 2, but to be brutally honest if I had my turn again I wouldn’t have them. The downs are bad and the ups are fantastic but unfortunately there are far more downs than ups!

Pretty offensive. I'm 40 and chose not to have children. I am in no way a hedonist and never have been. Does my life have no meaning because I don't have children?

Which makes me wonder why so many women still make heart over head decisions to have children.

IMO most men are ambivalent about becoming fathers and just acquiesce to their wives/partners to just keep the peace.

It's an unpopular thing to say on here, but I do wonder how much of it is hormonal.

I don't want children and never have, but I still remember having a weird, almost primal urge to get pregnant in my late twenties. It was really bizarre and actually frightened me a bit. I wasn't in a stable relationship, I couldn't afford a child and it's not something I've ever wanted - but that urge was still there and it was very, very intense.

I'm sure I'll be slammed for saying that, though!

I think the idea men don't want kids is just a massive sexist stereotype.

I've got two brothers - both have always wanted kids. Every single male friend I've had has wanted kids - one even split up with his long term partner because she didn't want kids.

My DP has always wanted more kids than me. Every bf I dated when younger said they wanted kids.

Tbh the only people I know who are resolutely anti kids are women. I actually don't know any men who don't want kids

yeah, this.

Obviously the ideal would be for everyone to just live and let live and not judge each other's choices.

While taking into account CR (like every celebrity interview)'s quote may be out of context or mis-reported or just not thought out, if I was her friend/family member I might be a bit offended at hearing I apparently lived in hell, without light in my eyes! but for anyone else, on the overall scale of unnecessary child-related judgement, it's only been very recently that it's been socially acceptable to say you don't want kids at all. For every CR there have been far more @TheJollyMoose's and @LittleGlowingOblong's (and many other examples on this thread alone) telling childfree women their lives are meaningless, with no purpose and they'll never know true happiness, so it's a bit pot/kettle/black for toys to be thrown out the pram on the rare occasion the judgement goes the other way.

To be fair my post was really in response to the countless posts on mumsnet from women whose partners don't want a/another child and from posters who have children and do all the childcare becasue their partners don't pull their weight, so it may well not be representative of the real world.

Hypothetically wanting children and actually wanting to do all the work that's involved with having kids are two very, very different things, though.

If men want children just as much as women, then explain why there are so few SAHD's?
Why is the CMS almost solely dedicated to getting men to pay for their children?
Why do so many of them drop their kids when their marriages end?
Why are so many of them happy to accept weekend only contact?
Why is this forum full of threads about men who have never changed a nappy, or booked a dentist appointment, or taken their children for a hair cut?

I'm sure I'll be torn apart, but I think a lot of men have a biological urge to pass on their DNA. They don't actually want to raise the kids once they're here, though.

If you need children to have a meaningful life you are probably exactly the person she is talking about.

Their have been quite a lot of studies that report either a negative impact on quality of life from having kids or none at all. So she isn't entirely wrong

www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2021/11/does-having-kids-make-you-happy/620576/

We could probably solve homeless if Mn made a donation every time someone said this.

I never really saw myself as having children as love my job and am very busy with my hobbies and the community around them. I met my now husband at 34 and 4 years later we decided to try for children. I felt quite half hearted about it as felt I may be too old to conceive. I now have a 2 year old and I love her so much, having children is so life enriching. I love being a parent, can’t believe I actually now feel that and can’t believe I didn’t think this life was for me.

This x10000

”wow look at me, my dick works” is the case with most of them.

you won’t be slammed by me.

I can’t stand being around children but still remember the brief urge to reproduce. Very thankful that my mind was stronger than my ovaries.

She was very nice about her friends but said their lives are very different, most are married with kids. So the host asked if she wants that and she said she didn't know, would she even be allowed to marry (she's a lesbian), and everyone she knows with kids at this age is in hell.

Thanks for the synopsis @owlexpress, it definitely helps to see the context.

I wonder how her old friends have reacted to her comment? She’s from a small city and I bet that a fair number of residents know whom she’s referring to, it’s probably slightly embarrassing for them tbh!

@faerietalesI completely agree with you and think that some men want children but don’t want to parent and most of the times it is left to the mother. How many posts on here are from mums saying their partner doesn’t do anything and they carry the mental load too, often on top of working full time also.

I’m child free and have no ill will or judgment towards women who have children, it’s just not something I want for myself. It’s a shame we can’t be given the same courtesy and have to be told that our lives have no meaning / we won’t know true love etc etc etc.

Looking around me I don’t see that but if you took a snapshot when everyone was in the toddler/baby stages with multiple kids we might have looked that way!

It also reflects a broader cultural narrative I think. I loathe tv shows about being a mum, it’s just wall to wall complaints and feelings of being the hardest working most hard done by person in the world (even if humorous). Doesn’t resonate with me at all so I avoid them.

Anyone that is trying this hard to convince themselves they will be unhappy probably needs therapy and a deep dive into their own choices. It’s clearly completely untrue, but the very fact she feels she has to do this is the most interesting element to me. Who is she trying to convince?