Different wedding invites for bridesmaids partner

[Sunnyheart]

Hello all,

I wanted some opinions on this situation.

I am a bridesmaid for a friend this summer, and received the official invite to the wedding yesterday. When I went to respond on their wedding website, my partner and I had different tabs for our RSVP. I am listed as attending the whole day ( lunchtime ceremony, afternoon reception which includes sit down meal & speeches etc, and evening do) however my partner was listed as only attending the evening do. I messaged my friend to check this was right and in fact he is able to attend the ceremony ( which finishes at 1) and the evening do from 7pm.

Am I being unreasonable to find this strange ?
My partner and I totally understands costs etc and limits to numbers, but part of me does find this rude.

We will need to travel and stay over night in order to attend, and as the venues are slightly out in the sticks it would be logistically a pain for my partner to go back and forth between a hotel and the venues.

I will caveat by saying that my friend hasn't met my partner even though we have been together for 3 years, as my friend has lived across the country for years now. We are very much firm friends and we have known eachother since college, but not as close day to day as we once were and don't see eachother for months at a time.

My partner doesn't really want to attend which I totally understand , although I would love to have him there ofcourse ( and for selfish reasons it would be much more ideal as I don't feel comfortable driving the distance so it will be the cost of a train there and back , looking at close to £100)

Thank you all.

I find this whole British thing of day guests and the vending one’s daunting . If people are important to you you invite them for the whole day ! So yes I find it very bad they split partners , I even known if people splitting children and parents , it’s crazy

My brother got married a few months ago and literally nobody who attended from our side had met the bride except our mum. Should we all not have attended?

I’ve never heard of people being invited to the ceremony then to leave for a few hours then come back for the evening, that’s crazy to me. I’d say it’s normal for a full day invite or an evening reception. I would be a bit upset at my partner of 3 years not being invited for the full day if I was close enough to be a bridesmaid however if they haven’t met and he won’t know anyone else I’d understand him just coming to the evening reception. If I was him I’d miss the ceremony part and come for the evening. This is when your bridesmaid duties have pretty much been and you can enjoy the reception with him by your side

Then why haven't they met I'd they're that close, the DP and the bride&groom?

It makes sense if you are having a local wedding and the evening guests are just neighbours and work colleagues turning up to toast the happy couple.

It gets weird when you are asking people to spend hundreds of pounds to travel for a buffet and a cash bar.

Yes it's rough handling by the bride. She should have phoned and explained her reasoning beforehand.

Is she covering all your BM expenses? If not I think I'd step down.

Friends of ours invited myself and my sister to a wedding once. Granted I was probably closer but even so - when we were excitedly making travel plans we realised we had different arrival times specified. Everyone but my sister was told midday, she was told 6pm. She was hurt and stepped away from the friendship.

You’d met your brother though, presumably?

Oh my goodness! Imagine doing that?! So rude. I'm not surprised she stepped away from the friendship.

A variety of reasons I imagine. The BM was a childhood friend and now lives abroad or the bride and the BM met at university and live hundreds of miles apart, etc.

At DS's wedding one of the bride's cousins came from another continent with her now DH. DIL hadn't been able to attend her wedding due to exams. Should the cousin's DH not have been invited?

Yes but the bride here has met the bridesmaid, obviously. That should suffice to get a longterm partner invited.

Leave him at home. Drive yourself get the experience. When happy couple are home from honeymoon invite them for dinner at yours or half way with you both. If bride swerves I would reassess the friendship.

If you were just a guest, I could understand but seeing as you're a bridesmaid it is bonkers.

I would sit it out if I was your partner.
If you are happy to go alone, go, if not decline the invite too.

Yes, do you? It doesn't only mean in the legal sense, and you know full well I meant it in this context to mean valid, reasonable and/or acceptable.

I never cease to be amazed at the preciousness of some people where weddings are concerned. If you think enough of someone to ask them to be a bridesmaid then of course you include their partner of three years, irrespective of whether or not you have met them personally! If I were OP I think I’d step away from bridesmaid duties.

Shame that the courts do not agree with your construction of 'legitimate'.

I don't know what courts have to do with someone inviting or not inviting their friends and long term partners to their wedding. If you want to use that as one of the criteria for inviting guests to your wedding, that's up to you. But it doesn't make their potentially 20+ year relationship less valid if they're not married.

As bridesmaid it could be that youd be seated on the top table - ie bride groom, parents of each, best man, etc. If your partner doesn't know many people there then likely he'd be sat away from you anyway? Particularly if they don't want a massive table.

Edit - yes, it does seem rude, but people sometimes follow a strange logic!

I think it’s rude to just send the invite and not explain. If you’re a bridesmaid then you must have had plenty of opportunity for them to explain.

i would want to let my bridesmaid know the set up

also why on earth doesn’t she know your partner? Is she making a point?

Well I’d hope at least one of either the bride or groom had met someone they were inviting to their wedding.

The poster to whom I was responding was trying to suggest going to her brother’s wedding when she hadn’t met the bride was in the same league as a bridesmaid’s partner going when he hasn’t met either the bride or groom. Which is barmy, frankly.

Exactly..it’s like people have decided the partner can’t fend for himself and mix and get to know the family and support his bridesmaid partner on the day, which as far as I’m concerned is what happens..people get to know each other

Don't deflect - the convo was about the meaning of 'legitimate'.

Yes absolutely! If it’s local it’s not as bad . We do t have them where I’m originally from so I always find it weird , we also don’t have a paid bar , guests are not supposed to pay for anything . Just a different way I guess . I do love other parts of weddings here like organised speeches , where I’m from anyone can do a speech .

Yes, or even has the capacity to mingle and chat to people and generally enjoy the celebrations!

The point is she has not spoken to poster about any of this despite her being a bridesmaid so she doesn’t know how anyone feels!

Exactly..that is a point of a wedding - for people who are InYour life long term to mingle and enjoy..you make friends
on the day!