To ask if my husband is a narcissist or controlling?

[haveiwokenup]

I’m in a bit of shock to be honest, my husband and I are going through a few bumps and I recently confided in my best friend who has told me she thinks he’s controlling and has a few tendencies of a narcissist. We chatted at length as I could not see how, she said he comes across as great and lovely but something isn’t right and she doesn’t like how he treats me. For context I’ve known my best friend for over 30 years.

Having also chatted with my mum, she told me she thinks he can be a bit controlling. I have always asked if I can go out with my friends, more so to check he’s not busy etc but she thinks I’ve given him the power. But she loves him and wants me to try and make it work.

To be honest I’m finding it all a bit hard to get my head around, I’ve always considered myself to be a strong person so I’m not sure if I’ve somehow missed this, or just not seen it, but I’m clearly not as strong as I thought I was.

I think it’s worth mentioning I had an emotional affair with someone (not proud of it, and hadn’t realised that’s what it was until my husband found out - he went to EAs wife and my mum and told them whilst I was at work). It’s been a bumpy road since then to be honest, I don’t think he trusts me. I’ve always had a lot of guy friends, I find them easier to get on with sometimes so I didn’t see anything wrong until we had a kiss - very brief, wasn’t expecting it and regretted it, messaged him and talked about it and DH found the messages before I’d processed what was happening.

Just a few examples below:

1. had separate bank account which I didn’t know about (years ago) I thought all our money was going into the joint account - turns out he had his own savings account
2. Tracks my location
3. Earns a lot more but moans about how much he is putting into the joint account
4. If we go anywhere I want/need to go in his car he expects me to pay money towards his fuel - even though I’m happy to drive
5. Makes jokes that he’s being left and has to look after DS if I go out with my friends/mum/work and makes me feel guilty for it
6. Always being invited out by his friends but never goes and never mentions it to me
7. Hasn’t seen one of his good friends for a while and blames me because of a comment I made that we were heading out of the door last time he came over which was unannounced (absolutely no problem with him coming round but it was Xmas and we were on the way out to see family for a pre Christmas celebration as we wouldn’t see them on Xmas itself)
8. Gets in a mood if we don’t do what he wants/I don’t do things his way
9. Does all financials, always has done but I’ve realised I know nothing about what our monthly outgoings are
10. Says he has no money, but recently bought an expensive gaming console
11. Hates that I have 2 bank accounts and one I don’t spend anything from (one for employment and one for self employed, if I can help it I don’t touch the self employed account and use it as a savings account
12. Criticises the way I do things, like load the dishwasher, unpack the shopping, little things like this
13. Can’t just hug me, has to touch my bum or boobs and makes a sexual reference, always going on about sex, no we don’t have the best sex life, a couple of times a month but to be honest there’s no romance or passion when it comes to propositioning sex, it’s also a boob or bum grab and the expectation that I will want to rip his clothes off.

I’m sure I will think of more but these are the few that spring to mind!

Don't want to drip feed but aware this is long, so my question is, is he? Am I blinded by his behaviour? Or is this not narcissistic behaviour?

It's the behaviour of a sh1t.

He sounds horrible and very controlling.

Your mum loves him? So she can marry him then
You realise controlling people will charm others to effectively assist them in controlling you?

He sounds bloody horrible to be honest I’m not sure of which he is either way he’s awful. I hope you find your answers but other people usually see it better as you will be blinkered thinking it is just because he loves you so much but definitely keep in mind your friends opinions.

He's abusive. The reason you haven't seen it is because it happens gradually and before you know it you're being regularly sexually assaulted, tracked, undermined and financially abused.

Re read your post and decide what advice you would give a friend. Red flags flying ....yes you have missed them. Free yourself ASAP it gets worse as time goes on.

The term narcissist is being thrown around really loosely on the internet at the moment and isn’t well defined so to be honest I wouldn’t know without checking a psychiatric manual like the ICD10 but whatever it is, like another person said, he sounds like a sh*t. Finances are a big theme. He won’t be feeling great after your emotional affair either I’m sure but there’s a reason you entered that affair. Why are you with him? It doesn’t sound great.

Read the list back. Now imagine your daughter saying this to you as an adult. How do you feel? What's your advice to your daughter?

Well, he doesn’t sound great!

Wow ok. I’m not sure what I was expecting but well, I’m struggling to get my head around it. How have I been so stupid?

He’s a great dad, does his fair share around the house etc but since my EA I’ve been looking at things differently I suppose and working out why I acted that way (I was in therapy already for PND and anxiety so was easy to talk about it) and perhaps I’ve started to notice more, or maybe I made things worse with the EA. I don’t know

As a starting point for reflecting on your relationship take a look at this image and see if any of it rings true. I’d then do the freedom course online and read why does he do that. Doing all of this should leave you with a lot more clarity.

Are you sure it was an EA or is that what you’ve been told? If the kiss came as a surprise to you did you realise that was what was going on?

I’m only asking as, if you are in a coercive relationship, you can be made to believe what your partner says it true is actually true when it’s not.

If it was an EA the chances are it happened because you were not getting your emotional needs met in your primary relationship.

From what you’ve said he does sound to be controlling. Whether he is narcissistic as well cannot really be established from what you’ve said, however, he doesn’t sound like a nice person.

The criticising the way you load the dishwasher, etc is the thing that made me say YES you are being controlled. I had one like that. Plus he sounds a miserable sort, to be honest.

I think before we harpoon and armchair diagnose a man who's side of the story we haven't heard and who none of us have ever met, there needs to be a few questions here.

OP, did most of these behaviours from him start before or after your emotional affair and kissing another man?
When you say he "tracks your location" do you mean location sharing which is two-way or does he have your location and you don't have his? Did that begin before or after the affair and cheating?

After betrayal some people do tend towards controlling behaviours to feel emotionally safe again. Some of the things on this list like criticisms and bum grabbing are unhealthy and lacking sensitivity to boundaries but not necessarily abusive. Have you expressed how you feel about him touching you?

What you have said about your banking situation is somewhat confusing. In one point you say that your DH has a savings account that you didn't know about and that you thought all your money was going into the joint account. But then later you say that you have two of your own bank accounts, one of which you use as a savings account and you keep your self-employed income there.
Is it the case that your DH isn't happy about this because it was ok for you to have your own accounts but not ok for him to have his own savings account as well? Why do you think he felt he had to hide his own savings account from you when you have your own account for savings yourself?

As someone who has dealt with clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder, your DH does not sound like he is a narcissist. The term is overused a lot these days to cover any partner with unhealthy patterns of behaviour or abusive tendencies, but NPD is a very complex and devastating disorder that affects a very small percentage of the population.
That isn't to say your DH isn't abusive though - he might well be. But I think the context is important here and the timeline of when these behaviours started in relation to the betrayal. I think there are also a few notable red flags here for double standards regarding both banking and going out with friends, as you appear to have more freedom in both ways than your DH does.

I would advise seeing a couples counsellor in this case as this doesn't sound like an abusive relationship and does sound fixable with guidance and mutual accountability for the double standards present and the lack of boundaries.
Do you think your DH can take accountability for his behaviours? Does he apologise when he says or does something hurtful to you? How does he react when you communicate your feelings? I would also ask yourself these same questions.
All of this is key.

He's not a great dad he's a shit.

Great Dads do not treat their partners and the mothers of their children in the ways you describe. They do not grope them, track them and belittle them for not being the big earner (whilst bearing and caring for children).

I wouldn't waste time worrying about labels like "narcissist" when "shit" is shorter, simpler and entirely appropriate.

Having a separate bank account(s) isn't an issue providing both parties have enough spends and aren't criticised. We both do.

Tracking location- totally unacceptable.

Complaining about their proportion going into the joint account is wholly unacceptable providing you both contribute proportionally.

If I use my dh's car to go to my mother's, it's half a tank of petrol and I'd replace it alrhiugh dh wouldn't expect it. If we have a day out together I don't and he wouldn't quibble.

Quipping about being left when you go out is unacceptable.

Not going out himself is fine if that makes him happy albeit, imo, a bit odd but I am more naturally sociable than my DH.

The business with his mate at Christmas is odd and shouldn't be perceived as yiur fault.

Mood over not doing what he wants or how he wants stuff done is unacceptable but depends on the level. My DH is a fusspot and likes his pants and hankes pressed and folded a particular way so gets it a particular way.

Doing all financials and yiu not knowing the position. Well I don't but I do know where all the paperwork is and what we've got broadly.

Says he has no money but bought an expensive gaming console. Nothing wrong with buying the gaming console but shouldn't be pleading poverty.

I'd have to add up my bank accounts in my head. No concern of my DH's whatsoever. Similarly how many he has are not my concern.

Constant criticism isn't on although tbf my DH does comment if there were shoes in the hall or things were untidy - I eyeroll back and put them away or laugh about where to put the broomstick.

Boob and bum grabs with no mutual recognition of need - totally unacceptable.

You are incompatible and it sounds as if you have the ick. Apart from the fact that some of behaviours are plain shitty and not very nice.

If he isn't a good husband or the husband you want and need, it isn't good for the children regardless of whether he may be a good father. They are growing up in a toxic environment. Whilst I think marriage is important and needs to be worked at, my own parents were incompatible and my childhood was toxic until they separated when I was 12. They would have been happier separating years before or not marrying at all but mother got pregnant in 1959 and not marrying wasn't an option - they were expected to get on with it.

None of this, by the way, has anything to do with your mother.

Boiling frog.

Sorry OP but I only read up to number 4. He's controlling and manipulative.

Sorry I’ve just realised I didn’t explain the banking issue very well!
Years ago when we first moved in together we decided to get a joint account, where my understanding and what we agreed was to have both of our wages paid in and just use the one account between us. I since find out that he had a separate account and he was moving money into the joint account and keeping any leftover money in his own personal account, meanwhile I was putting everything I had into the joint. When I find out about this I moved all of my money into my own personal account and just transferred what we needed for bills and outgoings over to the joint.

It has been this way for a long time now, we both have our separate accounts, both have savings accounts and then our joint account.

I think most of the behaviours were from before the EA, bar the location tracking, yes I’m sharing my location but I had no choice in it.

Please don't listen to someone who hasn't got a clue about domestic abuse. You don't have counselling with an abuser. Please contact a domestic abuse organisation and get some support to leave.

Is it domestic abuse? Am I really missing this, as I don’t see him as an abuser? I just can’t get my head around it all!

He's definitely controlling and manipulative OP.

You should NOT ask him if you can go out with friends, you should tell him that you've made plans to go out, and ask if that works for him to look after the kids. If it doesn't then ask him what day does work, but do not let him stop you seeing your friends, just because he doesn't feel the need to socialise.

While to some extent I can understand him wanting to know where you are after the EA, I would tell him that if he's tracking you, it's got to work both ways, or he doesn't get to do it.

I would also sit down with him and go through ALL of your finances, so that you KNOW where the money goes. I don't say this just because he may be misleading you about the money, but so that if anything should happen to him, you know exactly what you have.

Do you both have the same amount for spending on yourselves OP? If not, I wouldn't be happy about that, as even if he earns more than you, he should want you to both have the same. I would therefore suggest that you work out what you can afford to blow each month, and then you each get half. The rest then goes into a joint account to pay bills, etc., and anything left over at the end of the month could go into a joint savings account and be put toward holidays, cars, etc.

I couldn't be doing with a man who sulks if he doesn't always get to do things that HE wants to do. Marriage and family life is about sharing, and taking into account what EVERYONE likes to do. As for him criticising the way you load the dishwasher, I'd tell him if he doesn't like the way you do it, then he can do it himself!

As for the grabbing boobs and bum, that would put me right off. Tell him if he wants sex he needs to stop with the grabbing, and try being more subtle, ie, caresses and hugs rather than groping you, and just expecting you to perform. Has he always been like this, or was he once more romantic, and caring?

All in all, it strikes me that the relationship is very one sided, with you doing all the giving, and him dictating how things should be. I wouldn't want a relationship like this, but it IS easy to slip into these sort of habits, without even realising it's happening. So I think you have a lot of questions to ask yourself OP.

He's definitely a twat.

If you're not sure, and lots aren't, you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 24/7 or use the Refuge webchat which is available Mon-Fri until 10pm.

Have a chat, describe your relationship and they'll let you know if it's abusive. You can then get some advice on what to do.

You might find this helpful.

This is quite an assumption to make - you know nothing of my background. There are issues here but it doesn't sound like a pattern of abuse - that was why I asked some clarifying questions.

If OP and her DH use location sharing after her affair and cheating incident, this is possibly "control" that's come into play since the betrayal and is actually not an uncommon reaction.
But if it is location tracking that is only one way and not mutual, and has been in place since before the affair, then that's an entirely different matter.

What is also important is how both of them react when one of them tries to communicate their thoughts or feelings. If OP doesn't enjoy her husband grabbing her bum, has she told him this? How does he react?
How does he react when she discusses her feelings about anything? Has he ever belittled her or given silent treatment? And the same questions should be asked of her.

It's unwise to tell a stranger on the internet that they are being abused when we are only seeing a very small snapshot of their marriage and only hearing from one half of that marriage.
A counsellor seeing either OP alone or both of them in person would recognise if this is an abusive dynamic.
It's not uncommon for cheating partners to try to justify their actions by rewriting their relationship history in their minds and viewing their partner negatively - this applies to both men and women.

Should you go to couples counselling with an abuser? No. But being a bit of a shit, selfish, or insensitive is not abuse, and calling everything abuse is why true abuse victims are often not taken seriously. The OP has cheated on her partner - that cannot be ignored and will influence his current behaviour towards her.