I’m in a bit of shock to be honest, my husband and I are going through a few bumps and I recently confided in my best friend who has told me she thinks he’s controlling and has a few tendencies of a narcissist. We chatted at length as I could not see how, she said he comes across as great and lovely but something isn’t right and she doesn’t like how he treats me. For context I’ve known my best friend for over 30 years.
Having also chatted with my mum, she told me she thinks he can be a bit controlling. I have always asked if I can go out with my friends, more so to check he’s not busy etc but she thinks I’ve given him the power. But she loves him and wants me to try and make it work.
To be honest I’m finding it all a bit hard to get my head around, I’ve always considered myself to be a strong person so I’m not sure if I’ve somehow missed this, or just not seen it, but I’m clearly not as strong as I thought I was.
I think it’s worth mentioning I had an emotional affair with someone (not proud of it, and hadn’t realised that’s what it was until my husband found out - he went to EAs wife and my mum and told them whilst I was at work). It’s been a bumpy road since then to be honest, I don’t think he trusts me. I’ve always had a lot of guy friends, I find them easier to get on with sometimes so I didn’t see anything wrong until we had a kiss - very brief, wasn’t expecting it and regretted it, messaged him and talked about it and DH found the messages before I’d processed what was happening.
Just a few examples below:
- had separate bank account which I didn’t know about (years ago) I thought all our money was going into the joint account - turns out he had his own savings account
- Tracks my location
- Earns a lot more but moans about how much he is putting into the joint account
- If we go anywhere I want/need to go in his car he expects me to pay money towards his fuel - even though I’m happy to drive
- Makes jokes that he’s being left and has to look after DS if I go out with my friends/mum/work and makes me feel guilty for it
- Always being invited out by his friends but never goes and never mentions it to me
- Hasn’t seen one of his good friends for a while and blames me because of a comment I made that we were heading out of the door last time he came over which was unannounced (absolutely no problem with him coming round but it was Xmas and we were on the way out to see family for a pre Christmas celebration as we wouldn’t see them on Xmas itself)
- Gets in a mood if we don’t do what he wants/I don’t do things his way
- Does all financials, always has done but I’ve realised I know nothing about what our monthly outgoings are
- Says he has no money, but recently bought an expensive gaming console
- Hates that I have 2 bank accounts and one I don’t spend anything from (one for employment and one for self employed, if I can help it I don’t touch the self employed account and use it as a savings account
- Criticises the way I do things, like load the dishwasher, unpack the shopping, little things like this
- Can’t just hug me, has to touch my bum or boobs and makes a sexual reference, always going on about sex, no we don’t have the best sex life, a couple of times a month but to be honest there’s no romance or passion when it comes to propositioning sex, it’s also a boob or bum grab and the expectation that I will want to rip his clothes off.
I’m sure I will think of more but these are the few that spring to mind!
Don't want to drip feed but aware this is long, so my question is, is he? Am I blinded by his behaviour? Or is this not narcissistic behaviour?