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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married but want a relationship with someone else

150 replies

schoolie258 · 28/03/2025 12:57

I know I’ll get hate for this probably. I’m married but recently met someone new online. We’ve sort of fallen for each other.

he lives in a different part of the country and of course I’m married. Not necessarily happily.

do I meet up with him and see how it goes? Or just accept the fact that my life is here with my husband?

we both have kids which makes it slightly more complicated and of course we don’t live that close to each other. Is this just a fantasy or is this something that could realistically work if we really wanted it to.

has anyone been in a long distance relationship with children. How did it end or end up?

OP posts:
MyDeftDuck · 28/03/2025 15:39

I think your discontent at home has furnished you with rose tinted specs regarding this 'new bloke' .
Do not pursue this relationship, you have children and far too much is at stake - mainly the happiness of the children and they should be your priority.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/03/2025 15:39

Firstly you apply for a divorce - set your husband free.

then you grow up and realise the grass is not always greener elsewhere.
and get off the online sites.

then when you are divorced and your former husband has the children 50/50 you have time for online dating and travelling up and down the country if you choose long distance dating.

BunnyLake · 28/03/2025 15:39

Even if you liked each how on earth would you be able to have a long distance relationship? It’s hard enough for people who are single and child free. What would your plans be for your children? It’s incredibly easy to fall for someone through writing, it doesn’t mean they are anything like you think they are.

KatieDidIt · 28/03/2025 15:49

Emotional cheating, is still cheating… You are sadly already engaged in this. You now want to know if you should take it to the next step. You really have to ask? Have some respect for your marriage and the vows you took together. If you’re unhappy with your partner, then work on that first. You never solve a relationship problem by starting on another relationship. Be better.

RhaenysRocks · 28/03/2025 15:54

OP my ex could have written your post except they met through a hobby. He moved to be with her and a decade later has a pretty minimal relationship with his kids. If you are unhappy in your marriage address it. Give your DH time and chance to work with you to fix your family. If it can't be fixed, go it alone for the right reasons.

I could tell you all the shit I went through when he destroyed our family, the misery my kids have had of missing things when they have to travel to where he is, their feeling that he chose her over them but I feel like you'll probably not listen.

GroovyChick87 · 28/03/2025 15:54

I've met loads of people online ( when single) and on a few occasions they've turned out to be nothing like they were online. Guys that I really thought I'd clicked with over messaging and phone calls turned out to be a bit weird and not for me. I don't think it's worth it if there's any part of you that wants to work on your marriage. It's not right to go behind your husband's back. And if things improved in your marriage you would always feel the guilt of shagging someone else.

Mothership4two · 28/03/2025 15:58

I always think that affairs are potental emotional hand grenades for the family.

I would take a long hard look at why you are looking outside your marriage for a relationship. You don't sound like you want to end your marriage, so why don't you focus inwards on what you can do to improve it? Or, if it really is miserable, work towards ending it causing the minimum of pain that is possible.

bettydavieseyes · 28/03/2025 15:58

Yikes. You were actively looking for romance while married. That's hard NOT to judge unless you're in an agreed open marriage? Otherwise you're already 'cheating' and what you want next is a full blown affair. I'm pretty sure nobody will think this is OK because otherwise, what's the point in getting married?
Nothing about this is good. First tell your OH that it's over. Then give him a chance to make his own arrangements. At least have the decency to do that before moving on.

BetterWithPockets · 28/03/2025 16:00

If you’re that unhappy:

  1. end your marriage.
  2. spend some time alone/grieving.
  3. if you still then want a relationship, go ahead!
outerspacepotato · 28/03/2025 16:01

Sure. Break up 2 families for some dude you haven't even met.

Delulu. This is it.

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/03/2025 16:02

Nah.

This is fantasy.

Fix or end your current relationship. Then meet real people.

There is a very strong chance that the person you think you've met online is nothing LIKE you think they are, in real life. But the fantasy of them seems better than the reality of your current relationship/life.

But the more you invest in a fantasy, the worse real life will become in comparison.

So sort real life out first - then if you're single, go looking for someone else.

Fioratourer · 28/03/2025 16:08

If you had met someone in real life I could see how your head may have turned.
Online isn’t real not until you have met. Photos and details can be fake. It sounds like you need some therapy to work out what is really your issue. Because running to a stranger is unlikely to fix it. Meeting someone online is a needle in a haystack situation believe me!

IsItOnlyWednesday · 28/03/2025 16:09

Is it against the rules to tell someone to grow up? Just wondering

AgnesX · 28/03/2025 16:10

Have you even met this person yet?

Parrotinthehouse · 28/03/2025 16:15

Are you on acid?!

you haven’t even met the man IRL

WilfredsPies · 28/03/2025 16:18

We’ve sort of fallen for each other No you haven’t. You don’t know each other. You’ve had your head turned by someone who is on his best behaviour and is trying to impress you. I think you need to grow up a bit. You’re not in a Mills & Boon novel. These are people’s lives you’re fucking about with here.

And stop making it sound like it was an accident. You went looking outside of your marriage. It didn’t just happen. If you’re not happy in your marriage then end it. Nobody is suggesting that you remain in a marriage you’re unhappy in. But imagine yourself facing your DC when they work out that the start of this fling coincides with their parents splitting up. Are you ready for that?

Even if it does all go swimmingly, how will it work from such a distance? It’ll either go at the speed of knots and you’ll find yourself living with a man you barely know and being step mum to his DC, or you’ll never see each other, with neither of you trusting the other simply because of how you met. Will he be moving away from his DC? (In which case, what sort of a man is he?) or will you be moving away from yours?

RaspberryBeretxx · 28/03/2025 16:21

I'm not sure what advice you want. Nobody is going to say "wow, sounds like a match made in heaven! Definitely a great chance this will work out!".

Id be asking myself if this is a crush in an otherwise ok marriage or an attempt to escape a failing marriage? Either way I would not be jumping into anything with the online man but it does change what you might do next.

If it's the first (or has any chance of being), I'd cut contact and do whatever it takes to try and bring your marriage off the rocks.

Fwiw, I had 30 ish first dates via online dating, only one of those worked out and that's without the complications of either party being married, long distance etc. it's very easy to get swept into messaging and emotions build very quickly - you get an image of this perfect person for you without actually seeing them in real life where their faults and quirks will emerge.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/03/2025 16:24

Not only are you sneaking around on your marriage but so is he. Do you actively want to be involved with someone actively doing this and one you don’t even know in person? If he can do this to his wife he can do it to you- same applies to him too- I would think twice if I was him about you -

JHound · 28/03/2025 16:25

Why are you asking Mumsnet?

You should ask your husband what he thinks.

Ponderingwindow · 28/03/2025 16:28

Hoppinggreen · 28/03/2025 14:55

He isn't even her friend though
He (presumably) is someone on the internet OP hasn't even met yet

Show quote history

Good point. Mine was at least a real person in my and XH’s life for a long time and lines just got blurred.

op, you don’t really know this man. He is like a character in a fantasy novel. Written just blandly enough but with enough good traits and a tiny bit of angst to not be too perfect. That way you can project on him and picture your own fantasy man as you read the author’s story. It’s a bit of escapism.

pearbottomjeans · 28/03/2025 16:31

5 pages and OP not been back so not sure this is real, but on the off chance - what makes you so sure he is telling the truth OP? Aside from that, obviously don’t meet up with someone while you’re still married. Surely no need to even ask the question!

Viviennemary · 28/03/2025 16:38

If you are dissatisfied with your marriage either takes steps to try and improve things or call it a day.

Moveoverdarlin · 28/03/2025 16:48

Having kids makes it ‘slightly’ more complicated?? Fucking hell.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 28/03/2025 16:55

Do your husband a favour and end the marriage, your feelings have left the building.
You were looking online. You wanted either a fuckbuddy or a new husband. Great place to meet and go from the frying pan into the fire.
Have you even considered the feelings of your husband or children in your OL world or how this will devastate them?

boxtop · 28/03/2025 16:57

You have a crush, which is normal. I've had 3 big crushes since I was married and thankfully did not act on any of them. They all passed. Each one represented something that was missing in my life (e.g. cool job, more travel). None of them would have been suitable partners and I continue to love my real husband.