Calling my unborn baby they/them

[Irish24]

I am keeping the gender a surprise and the amount of people that are confused when I refer to the baby as they/them’ is starting to aggravate me. I don’t like referring to them as ‘it’ or just ‘baby’. They/them is a word and has been going around for centuries. It also is a singular pronoun and does not always mean multiple. My friends say they can’t get their head around it. I don’t understand. I know they/them is a controversial topic these days and more people are perhaps finding out the gender. I still don’t find it confusing at all and it never even occurred to me that it would be. Anyone else experienced this or am I being over dramatic here? It’s just tiresome having to constantly explain to people, I don’t know the gender so that’s why I’m calling the baby ‘them/they’

Or "their".

And nobody would say "we had a scan for them" anyway, just as they wouldn't say "we had a scan for the baby" 🙄

For very few people, I've seen it on MN/Reddit etc but very rarely in real life,

It makes perfect sense to use 'they' for one baby. Yes, it could also be twins. It is actually not possible to avoid all ambiguity at all times. Singular you can also cause ambiguity and people may sometimes have to clarify whether they mean 'you, just you' or 'you, all of you'.

OP obviously has clarified that she's having one baby since she's talking about her friends who apparently 'can't get their heads around it'. The friends know she's having one baby, they are just being dim (probably on purpose to make some kind of misguided point). Anyone would also know it was only one baby if the conversation started talking about 'the baby' rather than 'the babies'. Humans are actually very good at communicating when they are not being obtuse.

They may have the same definition in the dictionary, @Irish24, but that has changed in practice. Gender is used to refer to a person's character, how they feel, what things they like, and is considered to be changeable, so someone can change gender from male to female. But biology is not changeable - there is no medical or surgical treatment that can change a person's biology, just some of their physical attributes.

All that said, I do understand what you are saying, and like you, I never found out the sex of any of my babies until they were born - and in this case, 'they' is correct - but 'baby' or 'he or she' would be less confusing.

I found this hilarious diatribe from the 17th century in an old blog post here:
https://stancarey.wordpress.com/2013/01/29/singular-they-you-and-a-senseless-way-of-speaking/

"Again, the corrupt and unsound form of speaking in the plural number to a single person, you to one, instead of thou, contrary to the pure, plain, and single language of truth, thou to one, and you to more than one, which had always been used by God to men, and men to God, as well as one to another, from the oldest record of time till corrupt men, for corrupt ends, in later and corrupt times, to flatter, fawn, and work upon the corrupt nature in men, brought in that false and senseless way of speaking you to one, which has since corrupted the modern languages, and hath greatly debased the spirits and depraved the manners of men;—this evil custom I had been as forward in as others, and this I was now called out of, and required to cease from."

This is exactly how silly a lot of MN posters sound.

And this is more acceptable to some people on here than age old English language! 🤣

You're keeping your baby's sex a secret. Which is your right. People often do this. Baby will either be a girl or a boy because there are two sexes. You can go along with gender-woo if you like but you just sound silly and that's what most people are going to think. You don't get to re-interpret language. No-one is making it complicated except you. You're a parent now. Wise up.

Genuinely hilarious.

Well, that's not something that people would normally say. A pregnant woman would just say 'we had a scan' or 'we're having the 20 week scan next week'. They wouldn't say 'for the baby' or 'for them'. People aren't going to assume that they meant another type of scan such as an MRI.

Just say 'he or she' or 'she or he' for goodness sake! 😂 Like countless millions of parents have before you. It's hardly cumbersome to say, is it?

The majority of people view 'they' as a plural pronoun and for the last few years, it also carries a freight of being used by people who think they're too special and unique to be considered along binary sex lines. So you run the risk of people assuming you're carrying multiple babies in there (which of course is fine if you don't mind people making that assumption) or that you are being extremely proactive with the gender-woo-woos and not assuming anything about your baby in advance. Also fine, if you don't mind people making their own assumptions about you. Knock yourself out!

Me at the bar: "I'd like a margarita please?'
Barman: And for your friend?
Me: 'Oh they will have one too'.

Did anyone just die?

You think? Why? What is funny? Op is making herself look silly. Good luck to her, it's her own choice, but if she wants to go through the world looking silly other people will treat her as such.

It’s more commonly used by the LGBTQ+ community now. You referring to your baby in this way is quite confusing. It’s fine if you don’t think it is, but others do.
Up to you whether you continue to deliberately confuse or switch to saying ‘he or she’ or ‘the baby’.

Yes. An example the other day.
How is baby?
Me: they are kicking away and healthy

If that's how you're using it I can't see why people are confused at all.

Obviously the "they" refers to the aforementioned baby.

Just because the language is used in a new way by a particular community doesn’t mean the rest of us need to acquiesce to them. They/their/them has been used to refer to an individual for centuries. Most people won’t be remotely confused.

You’re being ridiculous 😂

PLEASE tell me how you would say the following without using they and without saying “he or she” a million times…

“Shall we get this for the baby? He or she will look really cute in it, though I'm not sure what size to get for him or her, the last scan said he or she was heading for the 90th centile so I think he or she is going to be pretty big, shall I get him or her the newborn or the 0-3 months?”

(Sorry @AliasGrape I’m stealing your words, it was such a good example!)

And yet this experience OP is having proves that’s not the case. People are confused by it.
If that doesn’t bother OP, then she should just crack on.

This thread is amusing and infuriating in equal measure

Yes, a MNer has a pearl clutching aneurism for every perfectly reasonable and grammatically correct example of a singular use they pronoun.

“When a judge is appointed to the case they will decide the sentencing.”

”Did someone refill the printer? Because I think they used the wrong ink!”

”There is a neighbour down the street I haven’t met but their cat is very friendly.”

The context makes it completely clear. Anyone confused by it could just apply a couple of seconds thought. I will indeed crack on, thank you for the permission.

I did think of 'yous/youse' when I wrote that. Less keen on y'all though.

They/them is a word and has been going around for centuries.

It might be but not a pronoun usually applied to foetuses. People who hear you use it in this context will think you are having multiples.

But I see that many posters have explained this to you and you're still feigning surprise/disbelief so I think this is a PFFP (precious first foetus problem).

Those people aren’t constantly garnering attention being asked ‘ oooh is it twins?” which is what the OP is complaining about.

Why do you care so much what people think?
What a weird thing to get worked up about.

The majority of people don't use it that way though - they just dont think about it unless they're asked, at which point they revert to overly simplified primary school grammar.

The vast majority usage would be "someone's left their wallet on the table, I wonder if they've realised" rather than "someone's left his or her wallet on the table, I wonder if he or she has realised." People deploy this usage daily without ever thinking about either gender controversies or number agreement.