Page 8 | Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/03/2025 16:45

AllTheWatersTurnedToClouds · 27/03/2025 13:06

My parents ‘had a quiet word’ with my sister when she got engaged
Don’t do it. It didn’t go well and changed nothing. Just made things really awkward for a few years. Bil took it on the chin, fair play to him.
He’s hardly likely to turn round and agree with you, is he?

A family member had the chat with me. She just came across as a bitter divorcee. She should of taken her own advice divorced 5 pending 🤣

MugsyBalonz · 27/03/2025 16:46

GoverningSilverfish · 27/03/2025 16:44

I get what you’re saying. Maybe complaining isn’t the right word he doesn’t moan about her, more just mentions these things like they’re no big deal. And I suppose that’s what’s bothering me he’s so used to putting her first that he doesn’t even seem to realise when she’s being unreasonable.

The flu thing I promise he wasn’t just being a typical “man flu” case! He’s not normally one to make a fuss, but he was properly unwell. Even she admitted at the time that he looked awful, but still expected him to go.

The car thing I only know what he told me, which was that he rang her, she said she’d just sat down with a wine, and that was that. Maybe there was more to it, I don’t know. But I do know that if the situation was reversed, he’d have been straight in the car for her, no hesitation. And that’s what gets me he’s always there for her, but when he needs something, there always seems to be a reason why she can’t help.

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He doesn't consider her to be unreasonable so why are you?

You need to step back and beak out, you are going to damage your relationship with him by reading more into these situations than needed and using it to form judgements about his chosen partner.

StrawberryDream24 · 27/03/2025 16:46

Oh op, you're inevitably going to get the professional contrarians, and the "my mil tried to get rid of me too, yet here I am, I won haha" posters.

Well I'm sure the ones whose mils tried to get rid of them are all wonderful wonderful women (and their mils are ol c*nts) but this woman doesn't sound like it.

Unfortunately, as is often the case, he's highly unlikely to get rid of her. And if you try to have a quiet word, it'll just cause you problems. She's his choice. If he likes someone selfish and inconsiderate, that's what he likes. He's making his bed and he'll have to lie in it That's the life he wants. Some men, honestly, like bitches. I suppose they feel they're "above" them so they're doing well by getting them. If a woman was genuinely sweet, unselfish, un- entitled, considerate etc. they'd probably see her as below them/too soft/unattractive.

You can't get a grown adult, even your own child, to do anything other than what they want.

It's frustrating & disappointing but it's his choice.

StrawberryDream24 · 27/03/2025 16:47

He doesn't consider her to be unreasonable so why are you?

Don't be ridiculous.

miamimmmy · 27/03/2025 16:47

it is difficult but there’s nothing concrete here @GoverningSilverfish - it doesn’t amount to a whole lot - I can’t see what good then both waiting in the cold for car repair would’ve done?

i do feel giving it a chance and rethinking your perspective may be good - I fear you’re in for years of awkward family events otherwise, it sounds like you’ve set yourself up as judge here and that’s not shouting warm family relations.

they’re getting married - you really want to aim for a good relationship where you try and see the best in her for all of your sakes.

JandamiHash · 27/03/2025 16:47

GoverningSilverfish · 27/03/2025 16:44

I get what you’re saying. Maybe complaining isn’t the right word he doesn’t moan about her, more just mentions these things like they’re no big deal. And I suppose that’s what’s bothering me he’s so used to putting her first that he doesn’t even seem to realise when she’s being unreasonable.

The flu thing I promise he wasn’t just being a typical “man flu” case! He’s not normally one to make a fuss, but he was properly unwell. Even she admitted at the time that he looked awful, but still expected him to go.

The car thing I only know what he told me, which was that he rang her, she said she’d just sat down with a wine, and that was that. Maybe there was more to it, I don’t know. But I do know that if the situation was reversed, he’d have been straight in the car for her, no hesitation. And that’s what gets me he’s always there for her, but when he needs something, there always seems to be a reason why she can’t help.

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Who does the washing up, cleaning, dishes, cooking? And if they get married and have kids, you can bet your bottom dollar like 99.9% of women she’ll do the bulk of the childcare. Unless he’s gonna massively step up, have an exact carbon copy outlook on things is irrelevant

MugsyBalonz · 27/03/2025 16:49

StrawberryDream24 · 27/03/2025 16:46

Oh op, you're inevitably going to get the professional contrarians, and the "my mil tried to get rid of me too, yet here I am, I won haha" posters.

Well I'm sure the ones whose mils tried to get rid of them are all wonderful wonderful women (and their mils are ol c*nts) but this woman doesn't sound like it.

Unfortunately, as is often the case, he's highly unlikely to get rid of her. And if you try to have a quiet word, it'll just cause you problems. She's his choice. If he likes someone selfish and inconsiderate, that's what he likes. He's making his bed and he'll have to lie in it That's the life he wants. Some men, honestly, like bitches. I suppose they feel they're "above" them so they're doing well by getting them. If a woman was genuinely sweet, unselfish, un- entitled, considerate etc. they'd probably see her as below them/too soft/unattractive.

You can't get a grown adult, even your own child, to do anything other than what they want.

It's frustrating & disappointing but it's his choice.

Edited

Bit of a misogynistic reach to refer to here as a "bitch" based on a very one-sided set of MN posts.

Original poster

GoverningSilverfish · 27/03/2025 16:51

NerrSnerr · 27/03/2025 16:17

I wonder if they don't visit as often as OP would like because DIL knows that she doesn't like her?

I'm another who will never be good enough for my MIL's little prince. I also don't put him first (because I have a job, children etc) but apparently I should be able to work, do 100% of the housework, childcare etc because obviously my husband has a man job so needs his time to rest but it's fine for women to run themselves ragged. It's mad.

I really hope that’s not the case. I’ve never said anything to her or treated her badly I’ve always been polite, made an effort, invited her to things. I don’t think I’ve given her any reason to think I dislike her. But maybe she senses it? I don’t know. I do try, honestly.

And just to be clear, it’s not about expecting her to wait on him hand and foot! I’d never think that. I just want it to feel a bit more equal. Relationships should be give and take, and from where I’m sitting, he does all the giving. Maybe I am missing things, maybe there’s more going on behind closed doors, but from what I see, it feels very one-sided. And as his mum, that’s hard to watch.

OP posts:

BruFord · 27/03/2025 16:52

JandamiHash · 27/03/2025 16:42

He’s a big boy and had his phone with him, surely he can phone a friend himself?

I’m actually pleased a generation of women is coming through that won’t play Mummy to their DHs.

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@JandamiHash Perhaps it is mothering!

I don’t know, I just have the sense that she’s not empathetic towards him and after 20-plus years of marriage, I know how important kindness and empathy are in a relationship.

Everyone will get ill/stressed/have their car break down at some point and if your partner isn’t kind to you when that happens, it sucks.
Very few ppl in the world will go out of their way to help you so having a partner who’ll go the extra mile is wonderful. I hope she learns to be more empathetic towards him.

And it’s nothing to do with gender roles, both partners can be kind to each other!

greengreyblue · 27/03/2025 16:52

SoonTheDaffodilsWillBeOver · 27/03/2025 12:35

Have you spoken to him? I would be tempted to have a quiet word and lay out your concerns, very gently. Make it clear that you will support him whether decision he makes, and that you fully recognise the decision is up to him and you will do your best to welcome GF into the family if that’s what he decides. But you’ve also noticed a pattern of behaviour (give specific examples) which caused you concern and you wanted to seek his view on that.

This

StrawberryDream24 · 27/03/2025 16:53

MugsyBalonz · 27/03/2025 16:49

Bit of a misogynistic reach to refer to here as a "bitch" based on a very one-sided set of MN posts.

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It's a forum with posts by one person so it's mind boggling to point out that they're "one sided".

If you want two sided, watch Judge Judy.

And she does sound like a bitch from the examples.

And ffs stop with the very tired misogyny card ..... If a bloke was acting like her, we'd think he was a shit partner too.

MissDoubleU · 27/03/2025 16:53

JandamiHash · 27/03/2025 16:47

Who does the washing up, cleaning, dishes, cooking? And if they get married and have kids, you can bet your bottom dollar like 99.9% of women she’ll do the bulk of the childcare. Unless he’s gonna massively step up, have an exact carbon copy outlook on things is irrelevant

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Exactly this. Imagine her side of the story. She got home from work, put tea on, sorted the dishes and got a load of laundry in/hung up. She’s just had a nice shower and put her cosies on, poured a wine and finally, finally sat down to relax. He calls and says he’s waiting on the recovery truck. Her being there isn’t going to make the truck come any faster, so what is she meant to do? She’s already started on her wine.

What an unreasonable cow and not good enough for this prince among men.

Have you ever asked your DS who washes his pants or who always scrubs the loo? Or maybe she’s always doing that one thing he likes in bed that she isn’t too fussed on, but makes him happy.

I’m sure she could list plenty of ways she keeps things fair, if you only asked her.

MrsSunshine2b · 27/03/2025 16:53

JandamiHash · 27/03/2025 16:47

Who does the washing up, cleaning, dishes, cooking? And if they get married and have kids, you can bet your bottom dollar like 99.9% of women she’ll do the bulk of the childcare. Unless he’s gonna massively step up, have an exact carbon copy outlook on things is irrelevant

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We're very much 50/50 and although I don't have a MIL we've had no end of snide comments for SIL about how I do not take care of DH properly.

We were chatting about it the other night and DH observed how, whilst it is true that I am not as good at cleaning as SIL, I am much better at not sleeping with other men whilst in a monogamous relationship. 😂

Endthisshit · 27/03/2025 16:54

My sister had this situation with her middle son, he actallly came to her the night before the wedding to say he thought it was a mistake, she told him to call it off, he didn’t. The girl (now 50Plus) woman made my sisters life hell, had son literally between her house and my sisters for years, manipulated the will, cutting out other niece & nephew, cleared my sisters house after death without a single consideration to any other relatives. Sadly my sister was a people pleaser, she always allowed son to go home and so he never sorted things out, now just waiting for the inheritance to run out and him to be kicked out finally. So sad, really hope this doesn’t happen but once it does you start to read this kind of thing happening , just lots of selfish people with no moral compass out there.

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/03/2025 16:55

MrsSunshine2b · 27/03/2025 16:36

It's not actually up to me to set expectations for my DC's partner(s).

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It's all a bit Pride and Prejudice, isn't it?

WoodyOwl · 27/03/2025 16:55

The car thing, I think she was right not to drink drive. Would you rather he was cold for 2 hours or in hospital/a coffin after a drunk driving accident?

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/03/2025 16:58

GoverningSilverfish · 27/03/2025 16:51

I really hope that’s not the case. I’ve never said anything to her or treated her badly I’ve always been polite, made an effort, invited her to things. I don’t think I’ve given her any reason to think I dislike her. But maybe she senses it? I don’t know. I do try, honestly.

And just to be clear, it’s not about expecting her to wait on him hand and foot! I’d never think that. I just want it to feel a bit more equal. Relationships should be give and take, and from where I’m sitting, he does all the giving. Maybe I am missing things, maybe there’s more going on behind closed doors, but from what I see, it feels very one-sided. And as his mum, that’s hard to watch.

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I think I can promise you that she DOES know you don't like her. My SiL knew very well my mother wasn't keen her. I found it very strange, because I've always got on really well with her.

Topknotted · 27/03/2025 16:59

GoverningSilverfish · 27/03/2025 16:06

It’s just little things that add up. Like, a few months ago, he was really ill with the flu proper knocked out, fever, barely able to get out of bed. She still made him go with her to some family thing because she didn’t want to go alone. No concern for the fact that he could barely stand, just “oh but my mum will be upset if you’re not there.” And he went! Because he didn’t want to let her down.

Then there was the time his car broke down on the way home from work. He called her first, asked if she could pick him up (only a 15-minute drive), and she said no because she’d just sat down with a glass of wine. He ended up waiting two hours for recovery in the freezing cold. Yet if she so much as needs petrol, he’s straight in the car to help.

I get that I don’t see everything, and maybe she has moments I don’t know about. But from what I do see, it’s all very one-sided.

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Respectfully, OP, that’s on him. No one forced him at gunpoint to an event when he had flu, or to dash to her minor emergencies. No one makes him bend over backwards for anyone. If he has poor boundaries and people-pleasing tendencies, that isn’t ultimately her responsibility.

MidnightMusing5 · 27/03/2025 17:00

GoverningSilverfish · 27/03/2025 12:24

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

My husband sounds like your DS gf. My life is a misery and yet I can’t seem to break free no matter how much I try to 20+ years on.

Original poster

GoverningSilverfish · 27/03/2025 17:01

JandamiHash · 27/03/2025 16:18

Can you give examples OP of the bending over backwards?

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It’s just constant little things. If she wants to do something, he’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen, even if it’s inconvenient for him. If he wants to do something, it’s only if it suits her.

A couple of examples he used to play football once a week with his mates, something he’s done since he was a teenager. She didn’t like him being out in the evening, so he stopped going. Not because she told him to, but because she made a fuss about how she’d be “lonely” for a couple of hours.

Another time, he had a big work deadline, was stressed to the max, and just needed a quiet evening to get it done. She kicked off because she’d planned a date night (without telling him) and he “didn’t care about their relationship” because he wanted to stay in and work. So he ended up taking her out, then staying up till 3am finishing his project.

It’s never big things, but it’s constant. He puts her feelings first every single time, and she lets him. That’s what worries me.

OP posts:

JandamiHash · 27/03/2025 17:03

BruFord · 27/03/2025 16:52

@JandamiHash Perhaps it is mothering!

I don’t know, I just have the sense that she’s not empathetic towards him and after 20-plus years of marriage, I know how important kindness and empathy are in a relationship.

Everyone will get ill/stressed/have their car break down at some point and if your partner isn’t kind to you when that happens, it sucks.
Very few ppl in the world will go out of their way to help you so having a partner who’ll go the extra mile is wonderful. I hope she learns to be more empathetic towards him.

And it’s nothing to do with gender roles, both partners can be kind to each other!

Edited

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But is the only way to be kind to go and sit with him and do things he can do himself?

StandFirm · 27/03/2025 17:03

GoverningSilverfish · 27/03/2025 12:24

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

You say she's his longterm girlfriend so presumably you first met her when she was really quite young (she still is, by the way, 26 is young). I don't want to excuse selfish behaviour but don't make the mistake of letting your potentially bad initial impression from back then colour your view of her forever. Could there be a bit of that? I've seen situations with couples who met very young where the relationship with ILs suffered from those early years. Perhaps she's selfish, I don't know, but perhaps she needs to mature a bit more and you will grow to appreciate her; you've got to give her a chance though if they're in it for the long haul...

BruFord · 27/03/2025 17:06

Hmm, what does everyone think of the examples @GoverningSilverfish has given? They put a different spin on things imo. I agree with @StandFirm that immaturity probably plays a role.

Mrsredlipstick · 27/03/2025 17:06

OP keep out of it.
His choice, not yours.
She's 26, she'll change. He won't. Let's hope she has picked for life. Anything else can be a broken heart for him.

You cannot live his life for him,
or choose his partner.
My DS has a tight fisted girlfriend. No gifts when she stays. However he's tight too so they're well matched! 😅

There's a wedding on the cards chez lipstick, I shall just concentrate on my outfit. I'm not getting involved in any of the bridezilla shenanigans.

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/03/2025 17:08

I mean the examples are not terrible.

He had the “flu” no he didn’t. He looked and felt rough but still decided to go because his fiancée wanted him too. She didn’t want to drink drive to what wait in the cold with him?

He stopped playing football because she would be lonely one night a week? He went on a date night he didn’t want then stayed up late to work…

I’m going to have to call some kinda bs on this one there is either more to this or basically his just used to women bossing around op….. 👀

Im sure there are plently of things they both do for each other and some of those will be things that please each other much more than waiting in the cold together.

His talking about this things in passing not as issues. So either again they are non issues, possibly even part stories so your missing parts as well or again… his just so used to a bossy controlling women controlling his world so sees it as normal…. Hmmm