Struggling to be happy for DS marrying his selfish GF

[GoverningSilverfish]

NC for this because I feel awful even thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. DS (28) is getting married next year to his long-term GF (26), and I just can’t seem to feel happy about it. I love my son to bits, but his fiancée… well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be my first choice for him.

She’s always been a bit me me me, if you know what I mean. Everything has to be done her way, she never compromises, and I just don’t see her putting DS first in the way he does for her. He bends over backwards to make her happy, and she just… takes. Never a thank you, never any real consideration for his feelings. If he’s ill or stressed, she still expects him to do whatever she wants. If she’s upset about something minor, it’s the end of the world and he has to drop everything. It’s like she thinks she’s the main character and everyone else is just supporting cast.

I know it’s his life, his choice, and of course I’ll be there on the day with a smile plastered on, but inside I feel sick at the thought of him tying himself to someone so self-centred. I just can’t shake the feeling that he deserves better. I worry that one day he’ll wake up and realise he’s spent years prioritising someone who wouldn’t do the same for him. But if I say anything, I’m the bad guy, aren’t I? He’s happy now, and I don’t want to ruin that.

Has anyone else felt like this about a future DIL/SIL? How do I get over it and just be happy for him? Or at least fake it convincingly…

(Apologies for the essay. Handhold, anyone?)

So HE knows the whole story, and isn't upset at all that she didn't come out, and yet you are really really annoyed about it?

OP, I mean this nicely, you need to take a step back. You are his mother. She is goign to be his wife. They clearly are happy together. No, he will not spend as much time with you. No, he will not be sharing all the details of his life and thinking with you any more. Yes, he may choose to do things differently to adjust to her now.

This is all normal.

I'm constantly surprised by families who can't see that when a member of the family marries someone else, things will change. There are things that I do/think/say now that I think are completely normal but that I know I would never have done/tnought/said before meeting DH. I've had to adapt and compromise, as has he, to meet each other half way. This is normal. And families should be able to see that.

Does your DD drink and drive? If not, it could be her!

@MrsSunshine2b I agree about not drink-driving, but if any of my family broke down locally, I wouldn’t leave them in a freezing car for two hours unless they said that they had to stay there for some reason. If they wanted to be picked up, I’d find a friend who could do it or send a Uber.

Only DD drives so far and I’d be so worried about her in that situation. Would you be comfortable with that?

I don't drive, DH does. He would usually pick me up. However, if he'd had a drink, I would not expect him to arrange me an Uber or call a friend because I am not a child and could do it myself.

I'm a bit blown away with the low expectations some people here have in a partner for their DC.

It’s very sensible to not drink and drive - especially to a broken down car. Wouldn’t he have had to stay for the recovery truck anyway?

Hes a big boy he could have insisted on staying at home when ill. I doubt it was real flu because it’s really rough and you literally can’t stand with bad flu. Was it not just a bad cold?

Your comment about your DS talking to you about those examples is interesting. If I were you, if he's saying something (possibly not complaining but still casting her in a less favourable light) you could say: 'do you wish you'd not gone?' or 'did you enjoy it in the end?', etc, encouraging him to reflect on his own choices.

Be really careful that he doesn't transfer his anger with her that he won't permit himself to feel onto you. I've been in that dynamic before. The family member has a partner who is not very nice but they enjoy the benefits they get from that relationship (status, finances, etc) and they don't want to be angry with their partner so they allow the people that love them to carry the anger instead. This dynamic helps to prop the relationship up and keeps it going longer.

It's not actually up to me to set expectations for my DC's partner(s).

She didn’t pick him up because she’d had a glass of wine.
Maybe he was over egging how ill he was to you.
He spends less time with you because he’s got a soon-to-be wife who he’d rather spend time with.

You sound jealous and trying to place yourself in competition with her.

If you continue in this mindset, it will not end well for you.

The issues you've described are total non-issues.

He was feeling rough but managed to pull himself together to go to a party? Obviously was not feeling all that unwell then.

His partner couldn't come pick him up because she'd started drinking? Again, not unreasonable. I know you can drink a little and still be under the limit but my personal view (and I know it's shared by lots of other drivers) is that I won't drive after any amount of alcohol because even a small amount impairs my ability to drive safely.

I think you just don't like her and it's colouring your view of her by making you look for offence where there is none. You need to tread carefully OP because eventually they're going to pick up on it and you will very likely find yourself held at a distance because of it.

Why do you think he’s incapable of ordering an Uber or asking a friend himself?

Why is it her responsibility?

Also OP bear in mind this woman could be the mother of your GC one day. I’d not rock the boat unless you want barely any visits from your GC. Just smile and be glad he’s happy. No relationship is 100% perfect, equal and fair and honestly it doesn’t sound that bad. Nothing wrong with a woman wanting the upper hand in a relationship. In fact I think it’s wise

Op I go against the grain here, saying you should have a quiet word with your son.If you are close why should you not be able to mention some of the incidents you've seen, and mentioned in this thread.
Lot's of women on here have got it in for the mother in law.You know what your gut is telling you about her, and it's not that she's someone you wish for your child.
If you were saying you were concerned for your daughter who has met a man who only ever thinks of himself, left her in the car on a freezing night to get home alone, things would sound different on here.

because she’d just sat down with a glass of wine

That doesn't sound like she'd drunk much of it.

Proceed with caution. MIL doesn’t like me. Expressed concerns to DH before we got married. Saying he doesn’t bother with her as much anymore. She feels pushed out etc.

The truth was she was extremely jealous and interfering. Couldn’t bear the fact we were getting married and she definitely felt like she was getting replaced. She saw him as a substitute husband.

I think he sees her about twice a year now and our children just as much (although this is more than his siblings who are no contact with her).

There’s a lot more than this to our story but her expressing her dislike of me was definitely the final nail in the coffin for him. You can’t move past that.

@MrsSunshine2b True, we can make our own arrangements. I still think that his gf doesn’t sound empathetic, because I honestly think that most ppl would try to help their partners out in this situation and offer to call friends, etc. Perhaps I’m just a softie.

@TENSsion You're not wrong, he’s perfectly capable of making his own arrangements. I’m thinking of what I’d do in that situation and what I’d hope a partner would consider doing for me, I suppose. It’s nice to know that your partner cares, iyswim.

I adore my MIL, I think the OP is BU

Exactly this.

My time to set expectations is while I'm raising them by setting a good example in my own relationships and teaching them about healthy boundaries, values, self-worth, etc.

By adulthood you have to accept that that you've done all you can and you just have to hope it's been good enough because, at that point, it's down to them. It's their life, their choices, whether you're happy with it is irrelevant.

This. Say it once and very clearly, then never again.

And it's not helpful for you but maybe for other posters. None of my DC are "seriously partnered", but I'm very very careful to not casually trash talk/ gossip/ moan in front of them. So that if they do ever look like having a serious relationship with someone awful they'll listen when I express my concerns- it won't be a case of Mum doesn't like anyone.

He’s a big boy and had his phone with him, surely he can phone a friend himself?

I’m actually pleased a generation of women is coming through that won’t play Mummy to their DHs.

So? She didn’t want to go out in the cold and wait for a recovery service with him. So what?
My husband would never ask me to do that.
Utterly pointless us both being cold and waiting.

I get what you’re saying. Maybe complaining isn’t the right word he doesn’t moan about her, more just mentions these things like they’re no big deal. And I suppose that’s what’s bothering me he’s so used to putting her first that he doesn’t even seem to realise when she’s being unreasonable.

The flu thing I promise he wasn’t just being a typical “man flu” case! He’s not normally one to make a fuss, but he was properly unwell. Even she admitted at the time that he looked awful, but still expected him to go.

The car thing I only know what he told me, which was that he rang her, she said she’d just sat down with a wine, and that was that. Maybe there was more to it, I don’t know. But I do know that if the situation was reversed, he’d have been straight in the car for her, no hesitation. And that’s what gets me he’s always there for her, but when he needs something, there always seems to be a reason why she can’t help.

Yes exactly I wouldn’t do it either, presumably he’d have to wait for the truck rather than go home with her?
And wether we like it or not a woman on her own in a broken down car is different

Precisely.
If my daughter was engaged to a man who expected that of her, it’d be ME having the quiet word.

You’ve had to go that month to find a couple of incidents that could be interpreted both ways. I think you have to accept that nobody is gonna be good enough for your boy. You’ve raised him up to be a decent human being. Why don’t you respect his choices?