To think SAHM with young DC deserve more respect

[CheekyFawn]

I work full time but currently on maternity leave looking after my 5 months old baby and a toddler DS who is 3 yo.
I just don't know where my time goes. Between breastfeeding baby, getting DS ready for preschool and tidying up the house, cooking meals etc, it just feels like there is no time at all even to have 5 mins of coffee break. I feel it was much better when I was at work couple of months ago when DS was in nursery that I used to get at least a lunch break for an hour or 30 mins at least or time between meetings to have a coffee and look at my phone in peace. I imagine this is I think how a day looks for SAHM with young DC and it's bloody hard. Many people just assume they are not doing much but I think they deserve more respect.

Did you get the house for passing your A levels?

All three of mine had a very clear career path in mind, and each needed to have a degree.

Most 28 year olds if they have done a 4 year degree and a postgrad are only a few years into their career.

I'm not seeing a particular shift. Maybe you could share the stats that show this?

Thing is though I think this debate just goes round and round. I think some of this ‘I’m a sahm and so busy etc’ is the same as retired people saying they’re terribly busy even if they’ve just gone to the supermarket that day. When your world gets smaller (which it often does if you’re at home with small children), you can do less.

Looking after small children is tiring and hard work but looking after small children while holding down a job is much harder in my point of view. Once you get to school age children, there is no contest really. My non working day is incredibly easy compared to my working days. I would absolutely love a stint as a sahm- I think all of our lives would be better. The value in a sahm is making everyone’s life a bit less stressful and there totally is value to that but sometimes I think people do over egg how hard it is.

Yes, I did read it, but you then said, "many degrees will no longer be the ticket to a lifelong career", so is it therefore pointless for them to go to uni?

It's easy to talk about "future proofing" but not as easy to do it! If you work in a professional role of any sort, and you have a long gap out of the workforce, you would need to be finding a demonstrable way to show employers that you have been keeping current - which isn't going to be easy to do!

I don't think the world of work is going to change as substantially as you seem to think it will. Teaching is very traditional and slow to change, ditto the NHS, the public service and civil service. These are vast employers.

I'm public sector and the one thing I do notice is that employees are much more mobile than in the past. They will do their 5/6 years max and they move out and up, as opposed to us old-timers with 30+ years service.

Change is an exceedingly slow process!

And aren't Labour seeking to improve employment rights as well?

"8 hours of sitting in a warm office, plenty of hot drinks, interesting adult conversation. She might have lots of driving around which she enjoys as she listens to a good podcast. She might get a quiet lunch break to relax or spend with her friends.
Then home to a house that's been empty all day so is clean, wish tea for the kids who have already been fed numerous times".

This doesn't sound like any office I have ever worked in!! She's more likely to have to run to Tesco in her lunch break, or have to run round picking up necessities for the family.

The house is no cleaner than anyone else's. Dust settles, the windows get dirty, mould grows in the bathrooms. The washing piles up regardless. Tidier, maybe.

lol at the house being clean because the kids haven’t been in it.

More likely still a mess from the weekend because I haven’t had a chance to clean it since…

Does it matter whether a WOHM gets hot drinks or a lunch break?
We are all adults
Take responsibility for your life choices

This idea that SAHM should be respected more ?
What more than women who are WOHM or don't have children?
Why?
Everyone should be treated respectfully

I think the real issue is that feel ground down by their husbands and the boredom of being a SAHM and feel someone somewhere needs to make up for the career they have lost.
But life isn't like that, as an adult you take responsibility for your own choices.

I’m on maternity leave with a 5 month old. Older ds is 4 and at school so that makes things easier. I find it a bit mind numbing at times but it’s not hard. It’s not like you have to achieve certain targets. As long as your children are fed and clean that’s all you need to do. I make myself busy by going out but it’s different to working all day with kids. I’ll be going back again full time soonish and I’ll have a lot less time to myself. I don’t think I need respect for either life stage apart from my close family. A lot of the mums on maternity leave complain about being so busy when it’s just going to baby sensory or ballet.

I can’t understand how being at home is harder than being at work unless you really struggle with your children. At work I have to be fully focused on the children I teach, I get no break getting in at 7:30 until 12:30 when I have twenty minutes for lunch. I then leave anywhere between 4 on a good day to 5/5:30.

I get home and it’s making tea, washing up, taking to clubs, doing homework/reading/spellings. Trying to tidy up, put on a washing load etc. when I sit down at 8/8:30 I’m exhausted!

I loved working 1.5 days when my children were really young. Yes the days on my own were hard work, they both could be exhausting at times but I controlled what we did, where we went. It was done at my pace.

I still suspect the OP is being goady. These threads pop up every so often, from someone claiming that SAHM deserve more recognition, without actually explaining who should be showing this recognition or what it should look like.

As already stated, it’s an issue for that specific family. If you’re a SAHM (which presumably is in agreement with your partner) then the only recognition and appreciation you need is from them. If they don’t respect what you do, then there’s a genuine problem. But no one else needs to demonstrate respect specifically because you’re a SAHM.

I think we’re all agreed that being at home with little ones can be relentless, repetitive and tiring - I had three maternity leaves and on my last one was home with all three - but it’s not difficult. It’s not something deserving of special recognition.

My final thoughts…as with many of these threads, we’ve all gone off on many linked tangents.

The crux of the OP’s original statement was that SAHPs with babies and toddlers deserve more respect as they are not doing ‘nothing’. I think we can all agree that anybody, whether solely during their maternity leave or for longer as a SAHP, with children of comparable ages to the OP (5 months and 3), is not sat around doing nothing. They will be busy meeting conflicting demands from however many children they have (e.g. different feeding schedules, naps for baby vs entertaining more active toddlers, one or other being ill at different times, changing nappies and potty training, needing to be at different places at different times, dealing with increased washing etc but back on much less sleep again). It’s certainly comparable to a full-time job if neither attends any type of childcare without you.

My own best friend, who is a full-time senior police officer and mother of 3, told me that, like the OP, she had a new found respect for SAHPs whilst on her second maternity leave for 1 year with 2 under 2. She was just making an observation that she was tireder and busier than she’d anticipated, and relieved when her husband returned home so she could have a minute to herself.

As a SAHM myself, I found the role more demanding when mine were both under 3. Now, my son (aged 6) is at school, and my DD (3) at pre-school for 3 hours each morning. This for me is much easier. I can block cleaning/gardening/ironing/DIY/food shopping/volunteering/exercising for when my DD is out, for example. I am keen to re-integrate paid work once she starts school, as for me the role is becoming so different than when they were both under 3, and I of course have much more time back as they move into school.

The age of the OP’s children is very relevant to her original post.

Nobody has said that a SAHM with a 5 month and 3 year old is doing nothing! They’d be a seriously shit, neglectful parent if they did nothing.

All people are saying is that being a SAHM shouldn’t need any specific ‘respect’ or ‘acknowledgement’ outside their own individual family.

All of us with children know what it’s like at home because those of us who return to work still take mat leave, very few mums literally waltz back to the office a day or two after giving birth.

on my third mat leave I was home with a newborn and two preschoolers (this was before paternity leave was even a thing so I didn’t even get the two weeks with dh around) It was very tiring, breastfeeding, attending to all three, plus of course cooking meals, doing the washing and all the other things which need doing whether you work or not, it was relentless. But it’s not difficult, it’s not work in the sense of meeting professional standards.

Or work in A&E with chaos all day. Or on her feet in a factory with managers treating them like shit. Or any other numerous scenarios. Less than 50% of the population are in a 9-5 office job and those who are don't Necessarily hade it easy with lots of breaks

The OP did say that:
‘Many people just assume they are not doing much but I think they deserve more respect.’
That was the OP’s reason for posting, she believes that their is a societal assumption that SAHPs ‘are not doing much’.
They clearly are, as is any paid childcare professional. I don’t think this is controversial.
Many SAHPs certainly hold themselves as accountable as a paid professional, adhering to safety advice, supporting their children’s development, etc.
How we perceive difficulty of course varies. I personally would find it more difficult working as a surgeon, police officer or social worker, for example.
There are also many paid professionals who deserve far more respect than they currently receive. TAs in school being one in my opinion- as a teacher, mine was worth her weight in gold.

But the OP didn’t back up her post with any evidence whatsoever! She’s just saying ‘many people just assume…’ Who are these people? Why would anyone assume she isn’t doing much?

@OutandAboutMum1821your point about parents holding themselves to high standards isn’t specific to SAHM, it’s something all good parents do. A good parent cares deeply about safety, their child’s development etc.

i honestly don’t think anyone on here has suggested a parent home with a 5 month and 3 year old is hardly doing anything. They’ll be pretty busy most of the time. We’ve just pointed out that while it’s tiring and busy, it doesn’t need any specific respect from anyone else.

I don't think anyone 'deserves' anything. We all make our own choices and they are challenging in different ways.

What I will say is women who don't work do get an absolute bashing, disproportionately from other women. I've always found it super odd how people can be so bothered about what choices others make.

Really? I would find more interesting people to mix with if the women you know go around giving an absolute bashing to anyone.

I'm assuming this was for me?

I am not talking about women I know IRL, most wish they didn't have to work actually and openly admit they wouldn't if their husband's could afford it.

I am talking about the opinions of women on various social media platforms who are very vocal about their distain for women who don't have to work... it's particularly rampant on MN.

havent noticed that, on the other hand the theme of this thread (‘why aren’t SAHM respected more’) seems to crop up with depressing regularity. There’s never any clear explanation of who should be respecting them more. Anyone outside their own family really won’t care. It always sounds as if these people are frustrated or resentful in some way. If you’re SAH because you want to, then why the resentment. I do sympathise with anyone who doesn’t have the choice because they can’t afford good quality childcare and has to give up work. But these threads always seem to be from people at home by choice who then bang on about how damn hard it is!

Tiring, absolutely. Exhausting even when you’ve got non sleepers or bickering kids. Repetitive, sure. But it’s really not difficult.

My point about SAHPs holding themselves to high standards refers to the government’s incessant professionalisation of motherhood, their endless promotion of increased hours of free childcare, the media’s digs about SAHPs being ‘economically inactive’. The government are trying to persuade everybody that paid professionals can do a better job of caring for babies and toddlers, because they ultimately want as much tax off as many working parents as possible. I strongly dispute that because a mother is unpaid she will do a poorer job than a paid professional. I find the government’s attitude highly disrespectful. Stop trying to make everything about working mothers. Not everything is a comparison with you.

'havent noticed that' How hilariously ironic!

You then go onto to assume: 'It always sounds as if these people are frustrated or resentful in some way. If you’re SAH because you want to, then why the resentment.'

You also diminish other women's experience with: 'But it’s really not difficult.'

OP isn't a SAHM she is on maternity leave, so none of what you have just said is relevant.

Like I said, so many women will take any opportunity available to bash women who don't have to work. One can only wonder why...

@MerlinsBeard1

What I will say is women who don't work do get an absolute bashing, disproportionately from other women. I've always found it super odd how people can be so bothered about what choices others make.

I just don’t see this though. These threads overwhelmingly are started by SAHMs asking for “respect” and “value”. Not by WOHMs. It would be interesting to review this properly and get data on it but from my perspective there’s a thread roughly once a week from a SAHM asking for more respect. Almost never the other way around.

Some people are disparaging about SAHMs but it’s usually in response to being told they don’t love their children.

These threads crop up with regularity and I'm always puzzled as to what people think this appreciation should look like. I guess 'society' doesn't understand the value it's supposed to be getting out of you being a stay a home. But so long as you do, that's fine. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry should have said 'stay at home parent'