I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

Um, what? A married man going into explicit detail of him and his wife's sex life to a single woman is the very definition of infidelity! Infidelity isn't just the act of fucking another woman, you know. Especially a woman that is clingy, always wanting to meet him alone for coffee and is clearly after him. He has betrayed the OP on several different levels at this point. It definitely qualifies as infidelity.

And if he blames you for his choices, here’s a Q/A from a website called “Emotional Affair Journey”:

Hello!

Question...

Do you believe that there is any truth in feeling or thinking that our partners can be driven to have extramarital affairs by our being abusive or not reinforcing their feelings?

Response...

While "being abusive or not reinforcing their feelings" can certainly lead to legitimate dissatisfaction with the marriage, it can't "drive someone to have an extramarital affair."

Having an affair is only one of many ways of reacting to this kind of situation. Other alternatives include: insisting on being treated differently, insisting on counseling, or leaving the marriage.

Of course, this kind of situation may lead someone to think of having an affair or want to have an affair. But we don't do everything we want to do.

Regardless of why someone might want to have an affair, they're unlikely to actually do it unless they're willing to be dishonest and deceptive. So the real reason they have an affair is because of this willingness to deceive.

The bigger issue underlying this question, however, is the tendency for someone who is having an affair to blame their spouse for it by saying "you didn't meet my needs."

Frankly this whole idea that affairs are due to a failure of your partner to meet your needs simply adds insult to injury.

So while "being abusive" is a serious problem and definitely calls for taking some kind of decisive action, having an affair is not a reasonable action to choose.

So whatever you decide, whatever he says, don’t be tempted to blame yourself or the lack of sex. It causes marriage issues, absolutely, but not facing these issues, plus a willingness to act selfishly and deceive, is what causes infidelity.

Is the issue that he spoke to a friend or that the friend is a woman?

It’s not that unusual is it for people to confide in friends over aspects of their personal life. We all need a diverse support network.

I meant logistically and practically. He’s not going to be a 50/50, judging by his behaviour so far.

If she’d prefer to finance and manage a solo-parent household with three small children that’s certainly an option.

I don’t think the friend is involved with your husband, with her emoji responses it appears she is just showing that she is listening as a good friend would, but doesn’t want to comment further
I think he is using her as a sounding board for his pity party and has got into the habit of telling her every little thing he is unhappy with in his life. She’s a good long time friend who is just listening to his woes perhaps?
He an absolute bastard for doing that and I would be totally mortified and very very upset in your shoes.
It’s a totally disrespectful way to talk about you and your relationship and it would take a lot for me to come back from that.
I would be asking him to leave for however many days so he could have a bloody good think about how he has betrayed your trust so badly.

feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

Oh I see that’s because she is a friend. I guess whether or not it is a “betrayal” depends on the agreed relationship rules.

Personally I fully expect my partner to have a close confidante and friend outside of our relationship. I think it is healthy. Evidently you feel differently but you cannot assume he would have been aware of that.

You need to arrange to have a clear, in-depth discussion on the topic.

Id be devastated. It’s truly an awful thing to have done and it feels like tentative steps towards a physical affair to me. It’s a huge betrayal of trust and I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this. They’re both awful to be honest.

Ok - yeah this crosses a line. Especially as it’s clear he was aware you would not be ok with this.

Oh, come on. Haven’t we evolved past this narrow-minded pearl-clutching?

Single people aren’t evil predators, nor are they desperados who will jump into bed with anyone who gives them the time of day. The husband in this case hardly sounds desirable.

They are old friends dating back to school days.

There’s “close confidante” and then there’s sharing information about a sex toy he bought his wife and now he hopes she’ll use it!

How is that anyone else’s business? He’s clearly instigating sexual conversation to try to push to more intimate chat.

LOL!

”Just suck it up and lie back and think of England.”

You have clearly forgotten that she is recently single and is clearly clingy and always wanting to meet with alone for coffee more and more.

Surely you can't be this naive.

I’m not going to argue about definitions here but to me it is a betrayal of trust to share intimate details with a member of the opposite sex, go for coffee with another woman and chat to another woman more often than he does his wife and react to photos of another woman’s tattoo which was was just beneath her breast.
Deleting messages, seeking out conversations and meeting for coffee often, sharing intimate sexual details of their relationship in a disparaging way, whilst criticising his wife and reacting appreciatively to photos sent by that woman of her body, are not things that faithful men do.
If this isn’t an emotional affair already, he’s clearly paving the way for an affair with this kind of behaviour, however the woman tried to close it down. There is no fidelity or loyalty in any of this.

Nobody has said she’s an “evil person” nor are they clutching any pearls. I’m unclear how stating that married men should not be disclosing this sort of intimate information about his wife to a single woman is controversial. Especially when the wife is devastated by this level of over sharing.

Yes I have an updated post where it appears he does know she would not be ok with that type of disclosure and did it anyway - which changes things quite significantly.

Oh god not this nonsense of the “predatory single woman”.

Maybe she is just hurting after her last relationship breakdown and seeking her’s friend’s emotional support.

And yet there are posts on Mn every week about female friends who’ve just become single and suddenly want to see the (female) OP all the time because (a) they have more free time and (b) they want to vent/cry/rage about their ex. No sexual motive for new ‘clinginess’.

The way people insist on viewing same and opposite sex friendships as different is wild to me.

Why “to a single woman”?

If he was saying this to a single man would that be ok? How about if she was married?

Oh and it's convenient that it' a married man with 3 children that this single woman is "leaning on" so heavily and always asking out for coffee, not one of her own girlfriends....
Wake up!

This is such a mindblowingly backwards attitude.

They are friends. Gender is irrelevant.

Single women aren’t these predatory Jezebels seeking to steal your husband. Grow up.

If you don't understand why girls meeting up with their girlfriends is different than this scenario, you've led quite a sheltered life and I don't now what to say.

So many men on here saying nothing to see here folks. When clearly it is an epic, deal breaking beach of trust. How dare he talk like this to anyone regardless of their sex is what I am thinking…

The way you cannot understand that they are different at a fundamental level is wild to me. I never thought so many people would still be ever so naive.

You are the one who is sheltered as you cannot fathom the notion of having friendships with the opposite gender - which many of us manage with ease.