I feel so betrayed and hurt by DH

[Namechange20002]

Have found out tonight that DH has been speaking to his female friend about our sex life, relationship issues, really intimate personal things. I just feel so betrayed, hurt and embarrassed, and I don’t know how to come back from this.

We have three young children and haven’t been having a great deal of sex or intimacy for some time. He’s shared all of this with her, even messaged her: “bought xxx a toy so that she can satisfy herself, this is in the hope that it will help her feel more in the right headspace/mood”

I feel such a deep level of embarrassment and betrayal, I’m such a private person. I would never in a million years share details of our sex life or marriage problems with friends, and I never thought he would have either. Ive honestly never felt betrayed like this, I just don’t know how to move on from this.

I think I love you. In a non womanny type way of course. ❤️

This is a difficult one op. I've been guilty of crossing a line with a friend before and so had my DP (but neither of us were attracted to the friend AT ALL, we just overshared). However, your situation sounds worse tbh. And I don't think telling him to block her and checking his messages every so often is going to make you feel better. Take it from me, it doesn't give you any power or control, you end up a victim of your own paranoid thoughts and jealousy. If you want to stay with him, I'd suggest counselling and you would need a real commitment from him to work on your marriage. If he doesn't seem that willing, then you will have your answer. Best of luck to you

I agree with @Epilepsystruggle that for him to have a few days out of the house is not in your best interests.

Three young children to rear on your own is a lot.
I would be far more tempted to leave him with all three and you take some space!

I sincerely hope that he apologises profusely and you move forward from there if possible.
I feel desperately sorry for you.
Wishing you well.
Keep family and friends close.

Excellent post

How dare you post logical and rational advice!
This is MN for gods sake! Don’t you know where you are!?!?
I demand a full retraction and calls to LTB immediately!

Just to add, I don't think there's anything between them other than friends. They've been mates since they were 16. Firmly in the friend zone. I've had male friends for decades, and there's not a cat in hells chance they could move from the friend zone to a romantic zone. Yuk. Talk to him.

I completely agree with this op.

The responses on here have ranged from a nonchalant “why the hell shouldn’t he chat with his “mates”?” to the inevitable MN “ LTB: you cannot come back from this” - the latter always uttered with a dose of condescension as if you are somehow more of a boiled cabbage than they are, as they shuffle off to boil the kettle having put the boot in a marriage they ultimately know nothing about. All in a morning’s work on MN. I have watched in horror on some threads as op’s have chronicled almost in live time the unravelling of a marriage spurred on by casual entertainment seekers who have never met them and probably have more dysfunctional relationships themselves.

The truth, as in most cases, will be somewhere in between. It was disloyal to discuss it with her, and I think where sexual discussions are concerned, the gender and sexual orientation of the confidante does make a difference. Her newly single status only heightens that inappropriateness.

But it was just that: a discussion. And he may need to vent. Pity he didn’t choose a better option, but don’t let others inflate this to more than it was. He wants to rekindle your relationship. He wants you to be the bra-swinging temptress! That’s more encouraging than if he couldn’t stand the sight of you. You just need to talk through and work on your difficulties.

Okay, but who's then going to do the school runs, cook tea, sort the laundry, tidy the house, do bedtime routines etc. so he gets to go off and mope, evade everyday responsibilities and think about himself with free time, leaving you knackered in the trenches of everyday life, now managing it entirely alone and also devastated?

Oh you really think he does any of that? Many women find it easier without these types of men in the way causing more work for them.

You read as a male trying to absolve this man from what is basically betrayal on SEVERAL deep levels. This 'friendship' is far too intense and intimate, and we can all see where and how this is going to go. Making out like the lack of sex is all OP's fault and not his and his health too. Then sending his 'friend' videos laughing about the reality he has? This is basically CHEATING on several levels. There can be no coming back from this. The only way is if he ends his friendship with OW. What you are suggesting is the OP stay and put up with it until he eventually leaves her for OW, making her feel far worse. Your advice reads like something out of the 1940s and is harmful and not helpful.

I agree that @Epilepsystruggle’s post is a good one, and that a lot of people are doing the classic Mn thing of leaping straight for the nuclear option.

OP's DH has shown no real signs of remorse or contrition. He hasn't acknowledged how hurt and humiliated OP feels. He should be horrified about hurting his wife so much and trying to reassure her and make amends. He hasn't done any of this.

OP herself has said that she doesn't want to become a single parents with 3 kids, but that doesn't mean that she can just brush past her DH's disloyal and hurtful behaviour and carry on as though nothing has happened. Splitting up is probably the only option that she can take unilaterally. Any other options to fix this rely on her DH being accountable for his actions and wanting to fix things. He is showing no signs of this at the moment.

But was your friend male or female, @retirementislooming ? That makes all the difference. It's different a male confiding in the guys or us confiding in our girlfriends. You cannot take that out of the equation because it is central to the whole thing. Especially since OP said She split with her husband and got into a new relationship, which recently ended. Since then she has been leaning on DH to talk through her problems, keeps wanting to meet for a coffee etc, when me and DH rarely get the time to go for a coffee.

This woman is making a play for him, and they are too intimate together on a few levels.

Can't you see a married man going in depth about him and his wife's sex life to a single woman is not appropriate??

OP has said they are having sex, just not as often as he wants. He appears to have a very high sex drive, and OP a normal one. It's his expectations here that not reality.

His guy friends yes. Not a SINGLE WOMAN. There is a huge difference. It wouldn't be appropriate for a married woman to discuss her and her husband's sex life with a single man either.

Well said. I am stunned at the support that other poster's advice is getting. It is really bad and absolves him of anything, just because a woman 'wouldn't want to be a single mum' as if that is the worst thing in the world. And many kids are so used to going between two homes, half of all marriages end in divorce, it's normal.

I am not saying she should leave him, but insinuating it's her fault for not matching his clearly very high possibly unnaturally high sex drive and acting like being a single mum is the worst thing in the world is very misogynistic and backward.

@Namechange20002 You may need space to calm yourself down, but don’t make any rash decisions like unilaterally ending the marriage or kicking him out without a proper, honest conversation. Right now, you need to set aside your anger for a moment, talk to him openly and honestly, and listen to him. And he needs to afford you the same courtesy. Don’t put it off, don’t let it fester - you could do more damage overthinking, building more anger, withdrawing further, than opening a dialogue and beginning to address the issues.

Don’t wait for him to come to you either—if you both retreat into silence, you could end up in a Mexican standoff, and before you know it, your marriage is unraveling, you’ve separated and you can’t get back to your precious family unit.

I imagine he’s feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and likely caught off guard by your visceral anger. He clearly knows he’s done wrong and has retrenched.

Marriage and family life are hard work at the best of times, but it sounds like you’ve both been struggling physically too.If your life together has been mostly happy, and he’s generally been trustworthy, start from there; not the assumption that he was trying to start an affair, that he’s a misogynistic prick, and that he was trying to manipulate your child, if that all seems out of character. What matters is how he owns his mistakes and what actions he takes to rebuild trust.

Personally, I’d be really embarrassed by what he’s said, and I’d be calling into question his judgement. But I’d also be listening to what he’s actually saying to her - he’s clearly unhappy, perhaps more so than he’s letting on to you and that would be a focus of conversation for me. Why hasn’t he shared this with you? Why does he feel comfortable sharing this with her? You say you’re very private - is the same? Is he someone who needs an outlet and has chosen the wrong person and gone about it in the wrong way? What’s your instinct saying?

No one can tell you what to do, but I hope you can at least talk and listen to each other. If deep down you still see a future together, then it’s worth fighting for.

He does sound an immature, unmanly twat. Very poor judgement to involve the kids. I highly, highly doubt the friend is interested in him. Who would want a whiny sex pest with three little kids?

But OP chose to have three children by him so it’s probably best to bite the bullet and preserve the marriage, at least for another decade. Seems that professional counseling may be in order.

The lack of remorse or understanding why the op is so hurt and embarrassed is the worst for me. I can’t imagine telling my husband I’d likely end our marriage and him just going “ok”.
I agree he’s orchestrated this for the OP to end it so he looks like mr nice guy. Gross.
OP I’m thinking of you-awful situation he’s put you in.

This. All chats of this intimate nature needs to be with the wife only.

All this, 'He needs an outlet' shit is just that.

It's pathetic and if he feels this strongly, he needs to sit down and lay it out to the wife, especially as he has been ill too and partly to blame. Start an actual adult conversation with the person you have the beef with.

So many men take the path of least resistance with every aspect of their lives.

Has anyone considered that husband might want out of this and isn’t looking for reconciliation. He is the one pressing the nuclear button , assuming he’s not thick as mud how long did he think he’d get away with this for. What if OP doesn’t want to be pressured into sex , how long will he remain in a sexless marriage . The betrayal is dreadful but to move forward both parties have to put their marriage first . Even if he stays will it be in icy resentment and how will OP trust him again. .Personally I’m not sure I’d want to retrieve it after such a betrayal but it’s not my decision to make .

But OP chose to have three children by him so it’s probably best to bite the bullet and preserve the marriage, at least for another decade.

Didn't 'staying for the sake of the kids' go out of style in the 80s? Seriously who still recommends that harmful advice today in 2025. OP has a right to be happy, and the children have a right not to live in a home with an unhappy atmosphere.

Meant to add this too. Get him out of the house for now and see how he behaves but I wouldn't be able to stomach having him around.

He clearly thinks you are substandard as far as being a wife goes so let him manage without and see how he likes them apples.

@Namechange20002 I’m so sorry to hear your update, infidelity is glamourised on tv and in movies but the reality is truly ugly and unimaginably painful and destructive.
I agree with @Epilepsystruggle, he really has “messed up” badly in his own words, but it’s not as simple as typing a judge and jury sentence online then going back to your day and seeing what’s happened later, it’s somebody’s real life, a family, who have to live that life and the consequences of their decisions.
I don’t disagree with the opinions of his behaviour on here, that’s not what I’m saying, but the decision on what happens next must be left to you, you have to live with whatever you decide to do, we don’t.
Don’t rush into any decisions yet, you are still devastated and in shock.
Whatever you decide to do, he’s got a huge amount of work to do, starting with an abject apology, asking you what you need from him right now and showing you that he’s cut off contact permanently with this woman.
Then you have a lot of talking to do.
If this isn’t a deal breaker (only you get to decide that and I don’t blame you at all if it is ) then there is a lot of support out there if you are both committed fully and fully invested in working this out. It will be very tough, but not impossible. The Surviving Infidelity and Affair Recovery websites are about healing, either together or apart, they do not push reconciliation, they are about recovering from the damage of infidelity whether you reconcile or divorce. There’s a lot of information and discussion forums on there and its free, they helped me enormously.
Obviously you both need to prioritise your physical and mental health, the sex issues are clearly part of that and with three small children, sex and libido often leave town for a while, but not forever. He needs to explore why he used that as an excuse to attempt to get validation from another woman and realise that avoiding issues never makes them go away and leads you to sone pretty awful places.
Just prioritise yours and your children’s wellbeing for now, he’s royally fucked up and knows it, let him show you by his actions who he wants to be and whether he is prepared to step up and be the husband and father that you and your children deserve.

Yes, I meant to say this too, see how he copes looking after himself. But I bet he will just run to OW. If as OP says she's single and lives alone and as they are soooo very close, he will run straight to her.

I too think he wants an out but doesn't want to be the bad guy and the 'ok' he said to OP pretty well shows it. He wants this - but put on a performative show to set himself up as the poor badly done one in his 7 year old son's eyes. So many on this thread are so incredibly naive.

Agree. The coldness to OP is sickening. Every bit as bad as the original offence.

Surviving infidelity?! All he’s done is vent to a longtime friend who appears to be responding briefly and noncommittally. This is not infidelity.

Yes, quite.