To feel pissed off!?

[Sandandsea123]

my baby is 5 months old and just won’t nap in the daytime other than while being pushed in the pram. It’s driving me bonkers as I can’t get anything done around the house and it’s a mess! The dog (not my dpg, my partners but I’m the only one who walks him) isn’t being walked much as I’m just too knackered and he is too strong for me when carrying baby so he’s leaping around the house and stressing me out. The clutter everywhere is really getting on top of me (literally and metaphorically), it just feels like one day after the other of shit. My partner does absolutely nothing, gets home from work and expects cup of tea and a cake and then an hour to poo and shower before dinner. He gets mad if the baby is crying while I’m trying to cook dinner and have to leave her in bouncy seat or playmat, she’s upset because she’s tired because she doesn’t nap.. it’s a horrid cycle and just looking for ideas of how to begin a change!! She used to have lovely naps in her bed or pram, she does sleep well at night so at least there’s that! The AIBU is my partner has announced (to me and on Facebook) that he’s going to start going to the gym after work every night, and golf on weekends (“only” once or twice a month, plus another activity once a month), he does NOTHING around the house and in 5 months has done maybe 6 nappy changes. I’m on maternity and pay 90% of bills, he transfers me about £50 a week sometimes, but withholds this if he thinks I’ve done something wrong. AIBU to be annoyed / feel hard done by? I don’t get to do anything, having a shower is a treat for me!

OP, gently, you’re being abused.

He withholds money from you when he thinks you’ve done something wrong - he is punishing you.
He doesn’t support you.
He gets angry with you when the baby is crying.
He doesn’t financially support his child.
He won’t look after his own child or dog.

OP, you and more importantly your children deserve better. They deserve to grow up with people who want to be with them and look after them and he isn’t one of those people. You need to kick him out and show your children what healthy relationships are. The baby doesn’t ‘have’ him because he doesn’t care about the baby. And think of what this is modelling to your older child.

Time to tell him to go. You can do this. You’ll be better off alone than alone but with a man who makes you feel like shit, treats you like shit, sponges off you and is a bad example to your children.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I in no way want to undermine how you're feeling but sometimes when you're this exhausted, everything else seems a lot worse than it is. This is likely just a phase and in the long run, you'll gloss over this time one day and realise all the temporary mess wasn't so bad. I know it seems really tough right now and I completely get it, but you're doing a great job and you will get some control back.

As for your DP, I would definitely start a conversation around how you're feeling and how these things he's planning on doing are going to make things so much more challenging. Also, the money situation sounds like it needs rebalancing. You can't go too far wrong when coming from a place of wanting the best for your family. Good luck xx

I think you need to put your foot down here. You might love him but you're susceptible to all sorts of abuse if you don't love yourself more and first.

How would you feel if someone you loved was being treated this way and what would you say to them? Well that is exactly what you need to learn to say to yourself, and act accordingly.

From what you've said, his treatment of you is intolerable. Therefore, don't tolerate it. He needs to straighten his act out right now or get out. You are not some beggar who needs to accept any scrap of affection etc. that you can get. Take your own side, not his. Demand more. F him.

I recommend counseling to work on your confidence, self esteem, recognizing signs of a poor choice in partners and so on. All issues that typically stem from poor treatment in childhood, in my opinion. Best wishes.

He sounds worthless and lazy.

✅ Cocklodging
✅ Mum is breadwinner
✅ Lazy/useless
✅ Gym
✅ Golf
✅ No nappy changes
✅ Treats you like staff
✅ Hour long poos
✅ Dog neglect

And then you went out with that absolute banger. Bravo, OP. 😂

The dog and the baby both want to go out so just take them for a walk together.

Also while you're outside the house being messy won't bother you.

Boot out your partner and replace him with a more helpful model.

Done.

Why? He’s a total cunt who doesn’t give a flying fuck about you, his child or even his bloody dog. He doesn’t love you and he’s a shit dad. You are deluded if you think this man is ever going to make a positive contribution to your or your child’s life.

You say you’re scared of being a single mum, but you’re failing to see that you’re effectively a single mum already because your partner does nothing to contribute in any way. He is literally just creating more work for you. You would be far less exhausted if he wasn’t there - right now, you’re doing the work of a single mother AND the work of a man’s personal maid and a dog-walker.

You mention you have a daughter. Do you seriously want her growing up thinking this is what a relationship is meant to be like?

Fucking Hell. 2 Daughters and this is the example of what they should accept in a relationship they’re growing up with. Good luck to them, they’ll need it.

You love him??? Why???
He doesn't love you, he just wants you to house him, serve him and do as you're told.

Give him the heave ho and tell him to take his dog with him. That's two problems solved.
You're funding and running the household and raising the children all by yourself so you'll be fine.

No loss to the baby. She barely sees him between work, sport and even when he's home he's locked away on the shitter.

Goodness your benchmark for loving someone is on the floor! How can you say all that and then still love him? What does he bring to your life?

You might love him, but it sounds to me like he has little to no respect for you.

Postpartum is one of the hardest times of your life and he is giving you no support. If he can't support you at this point of your life, one of the hardest you'll be in, he will never support you properly.

You may love him and it may be scary to leave, but you know that its the right thing to do. I wonder if you posted this because you needed the support from strangers to back up what do you really know deep down?

This man is not right for you, and he will be a terrible example of what a man should be for his children. They are better off watching you thrive as a strong single mother than watching you be diminished and disrespected by a man.

I am going to ignore how (at best) disrespectful and rude your partner is and focus on you and the baby.

5 months is a HORRIBLE age. So many babies struggle to sleep at this age. I’ve had it with both of mine and it’s torture. It will pass but for now it’s best to accept it will be shit and keep walking or do what you need to do to keep baby as rested as possible. From 6 months it should be easier to get the baby to nap in a Crib. Start trying for the first nap of the day (it’s the easiest) and then work on the others. You can look up ‘4 month sleep regression and naps’ and posts on Mumsnet. There’s a lot out there on this. You’ll be though the worst of the napping issues soon!

Get rid of him!

Thanks all. Food for thought for sure.

few points - he can be lovely, he’s helped me through some very tough times and facilitated a reunion with my family. He’s had some health problems recently so very much does need to do some exercise and maybe he’s just got a bit focused on that? He’s very inexperienced with babies and was very much brought up that it’s strictly a woman’s job.

think he might have realised yesterday he’s being a dick as he came home, walked the dog, cooked dinner and was actually affectionate! Not holding breath that it carries on but once was lovely! Thank you all for giving me confidence to to realise it’s not ok to carry on as we were x

More likely he has realised his comfy position living off a woman and doing nothing is at risk.
He knows he has it good living with you and your low standards for you and your children.
That his £50 a week living may be at risk.
Your poor poor children, what a life for them with men like this as fathers.
You all deserve so much better.

I agree with PP, he's worried that the gravy train might grind to a halt.

He walked his dog, cooked dinner and was nice to you and you think that is lovely rather than just normal behaviour for a decent partner. You don't have to set the bar so low.

You both became parents at the same time so he's had as much opportunity to gain experience with babies as you have but he's chosen not to. If he believes that parenting is solely women's work then it's probably to your daughters benefit that he doesn't get too involved. She doesn't need to be conditioned from birth that men can do what they like and women should do whatever men expect of them or tell them to do.

I notice his preference for traditional gender roles doesn't extend to financially providing for his family.

think he might have realised yesterday he’s being a dick as he came home, walked the dog, cooked dinner and was actually affectionate! Not holding breath that it carries on but once was lovely!
It’s shouldn’t be lovely that he’s doing the bare minimum. That’s just standard every day stuff, it shouldn’t be a notable event.

Another woman with a crap partner. IMO a relationship is teamwork, not a task of delegating as much as possible to the other person because you can't be bothered to do it yourself.

Oh please, please bin him, for your safety and baby's. It will be hard being a single parent but you'll be safe and isn't that what you're already doing? Good luck please be safe

yeap - kick him to the Kurb!

of only for the fact of he works you will get that £50 or more a week and not have to live with him or feed him or tidy up after him.

win win!

Sorry OP but you are a single parent, just a single parent with a “partner”. He isn’t helping you parent/run the house/pay the bills he is probably just creating you more work/stress. I genuinely think you’d be better off with him out the house

What do you love about him?

If in 20 years your daughter brings home a man just like him are you happy?

So you are basically going to put up with being treated like shit because he walked a dog, cooked some food and held your hand.
you really couldn’t set the barr any lower 🙄

I'd be inclined to say he doesnt love you

A possible option, if he's not abusive: (worth talking finances if you can because £50/week doesn't sound like an adequate contribution to his child's costs and the relevant bills - can see why you wouldn't want him contributing towards your mortgage / rent).

If you can't live together and parent together effectively (which looks like the current position) but you love him and really want to maintain your relationship, you can try him living elsewhere and coming to visit / you visit him.

If he's generally sensible and what you've written about here isn't the usual situation, you could encourage him to get some exercise with the baby - I've seen people going for runs with pushchairs. If that doesn't work, babies are often cooperative weights for some weighted exercises. Even if that's not right there's exercise even in walking with the baby and dog. Exercise is going to have to be incorporated into parenting with limited gym sessions.