My son and FiL’s funeral.

[OurNev]

I have been on here before and have to be honest I have been seen as an hysterical harpy. So here I go again!

My in-laws were a lovely couple, devoted to each other and to their family. They were always respectful to my child from a previous relationship who they met at two and a half, I married their son when my son was four. A year later I had our youngest son. It was clear though that my eldest wasn’t their grandson/nephew.

Well, FiL died three weeks ago, 84, fit as a flea and he just died.

The four grandsons including my 15 year old will carry the coffin. They needed two more so his nephew’s son is coming from London and a cousin’s grandson coming from Cardiff. They didn’t ask my eldest son.

I am making this tragedy all about me aren’t I? But God would you not think about the child your brother had raised for 17 years before your dad’s great nephew and what a first cousin twice removed?

My husband is distraught. He cried when our son was born, and twice with happiness over a couple of things son has done. He keeps crying over his dad and I am doing my best but I can’t get over my eldest not being asked. I hate myself for this thought.

OMG you have to film that. Or invite me.
Honestly, I'll be like the Mumsnet wedding witness but play the role of the mysterious possible Other Woman.
I sense a whole thread of posters willing to give me a backstory.

It sounds as if he has never been accepted yet you decided to stay & have another child?

This is 100% on you Op for choosing to stay in a relationship where your son is not treated well. 100% on you.

I would be devastated too OP - but the pattern has been there for years. Why on earth doesn’t your DH stand up for the boy he has raised for 17years? I would be furious with him tbh. Now may not be the time to raise it as he is grieving but it seems like the man who is the closest thing your DS has had to a father doesn’t feel the same way about him. So sad for him.

Poor kid, it will hurt him to be left out, especially as he doesn’t see his own dad.

Your husband is a bit of a wet lettuce when it comes to stuff like this. I really hope it comes back to bite him on the arse. So if your DS1 gets married I hope your husband doesn’t think he’s going to be sitting at the top table acting father of the groom all dressed up the same as the ushers etc. I hope he will be happy to be sat in his normal suit on table 5 with some of DS1s friends and great aunt Gladys. He’s not blood you see so shouldn’t expect to be treated like he is. Same way your son has been treated since he was 4 years old. Hope your son doesn’t invite any of your husbands family either. If they can’t include him after all these years then fuck them.

I know I’m going to get called petty but I remember your other thread and I hope it’s more a case of what goes around comes around.

Families are shit but this is on your DH. He's brought up your DS, he should be speaking up and saying "I have 2 sons..." why isn't he?

OP's eldest will need to remember that should the occasion arise where her MIL needs help in her advanced age, or her husband, that he won't be available to help as he isn't family. Maybe the second cousin will be up for doing the hospital visiting, the dementia care or whatever. He'll probably be getting any inheritance anyway. Eldest son should step away.

I personally think you need to say nothing. Grief makes people mad- as in, they can't think straight. They can sometimes say and do odd things because they their mind is overwhelmed. You can think these things and you are probably right- but your job it to turn up, support your husband and make the right noises.

Yes, you are always going to be super sensitive because you a Mum but if you were brutally honest, you would also say that when people are grief stricken, nuance can sometimes be lost. Spend the day thinking about what kind of man he was- kind, gentle; a man who was kind to you and your family. There is also sometimes an element of 'getting through' a funeral- people get caught up in the 'organisation' and can sometimes forget the actual people. That's ok as well- sometimes that's what people need to do this to get through the day.

Is he actually going to care? I have never come across anyone getting wound up by who was pallbearer at a funeral and have attended a fair few at this point.

This. He really should have done something years ago.

This is so bizarre and totally inappropriate.

OP I don't know how on earth this has come as a surprise to you. Your in laws have always been v v clear that although they are kind and polite to your son they all see difference between him and blood relatives when it comes to funerals, inheritances, use of family property etc. It is not going to change and you need to make some sort of peace with it for your own emotional state

As above. You really do need to come to terms with this.

On one of your other threads your youngest son even stated that your oldest son (his brother) is not the grand child of the grandparents. You also state how you have previously got hysterical over it all and tried to ban your youngest son from doing things with his grandparents.

This really is not healthy.

You can't police how your husband's family view your eldest son. Though you do accept they are kind and cordial with him. As this has been the way it is for years the time to get upset over it all was in the beginning, not 17 years down the line.

This. And he’s dead now so problem over.

Came on to say exactly this. I remember your others threads. Every. Single. Time you are told to make your peace with fact DH parents don’t see your DS as a GS. Yet you are still flogging this dead horse. Why is that? If he’s not allowed to use the holiday home he was NEVER going to be a pallbearer…

Well there’s still the mil and dhs siblings who all feel this way as well. Probably the dh as well tbh.

I will never understand why people do this. Of course your son should be part of the funeral, but I suspect the family are distracted by loss. You are completely justified in feeling as you do. We have a similar family and there has never been a distinction made. Ever. It’s thoughtless.

Could you present it to your son that different braches of the family are represented carrying the coffin? It might make the third cousin 37-times removed taking precedence less hurtful.

It s terribly sad. How are you all doing now

I agree with this