My son and FiL’s funeral.

[OurNev]

I have been on here before and have to be honest I have been seen as an hysterical harpy. So here I go again!

My in-laws were a lovely couple, devoted to each other and to their family. They were always respectful to my child from a previous relationship who they met at two and a half, I married their son when my son was four. A year later I had our youngest son. It was clear though that my eldest wasn’t their grandson/nephew.

Well, FiL died three weeks ago, 84, fit as a flea and he just died.

The four grandsons including my 15 year old will carry the coffin. They needed two more so his nephew’s son is coming from London and a cousin’s grandson coming from Cardiff. They didn’t ask my eldest son.

I am making this tragedy all about me aren’t I? But God would you not think about the child your brother had raised for 17 years before your dad’s great nephew and what a first cousin twice removed?

My husband is distraught. He cried when our son was born, and twice with happiness over a couple of things son has done. He keeps crying over his dad and I am doing my best but I can’t get over my eldest not being asked. I hate myself for this thought.

That’s bad, but to put it into perspective my grandmother recently died and listed three of her grandsons as pallbearers and missed off the one she liked the least. Hurtful things can come out after someone dies. You don’t have to follow the deceased’s wishes: who is organising the funeral? Could sensitively ask for him to be included. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

I am making this tragedy all about me aren’t I?

No, you’re concerned for your son: that’s not the same thing.

I’m sorry to say I disagree that the death of an 84 year old is a tragedy, though. It’s a decent age.

Op I agree with @Fluffyholeysocks. you keep your eldest soon with you all day. He will be a great companion to you and an emotional support. This is his role in the funeral . I would speak to him privately/ quietly and share with him you are very upset the family has not selected him for any specific role in the funeral but you are selecting him to be with you. Speak openly that people do things….all the time…that are hurtful possibly unintended but still hurtful. He is deeply loved by you and you fully recognize he has been excluded but you cannot change this. He will be ok as long as you act ok. Condolences on your loss op and the thoughtlessness of family towards your son at his time. My own DM was carried by her 6 grandsons 3 bio 3 step and I kept my bio son who was 14 with me. The others were 25+.

If the other family members are going in cars, but there isn't room for you and your son, then how are you going to get there?

This is why I bloody hate the farce that is a funeral. So sorry that your Ds has been left out OP, that's really awful. I hope that you and him can support each other on the day. I do think this will come back to bite your DH later in life though. (even though he hasn't made the decision).
If/when your DS has a child is your DH not going to be called grandad?
It's a shitty trick by somebody.

Where is your DH in the planning?

I don't think the grandsons/great nephew should be carrying the coffin at all. A 15yr old, really?

I'm sorry that your dh is distraught but he needs to take a deep breath and be involved in the planning and tell his sistsr that teenagers shouldn't be carrying coffins full stop.

It is unpleasant to exclude your ds in the planning. Why can't your dh see this?

Now isn’t the time op. I get why you feel this way BUT then he isn’t actually related so I guess that is what it comes down to. I think you just need to be supportive and deal with your feelings yourself. This should not be brought to the family as they have far more important things to get through now.

How does your son feel in all this. I feel bad for him.

Your DH needs to step up and ask your DSIL to have some role of your son in the funeral. I have experienced a sudden death of a parent, and also the tragic sudden death of a brother at 53, i was still able to pull myself together and help arrange a funeral.

Op, I'd be so sad about this. I love what @Lavenderandbrown has said. Keep him close to you x

Your husband's family sees your oldest as your son, but not a biological "blood" family member.

If that's been problematic for you for years, you should have talked to your son's bio dad about your husband possibly adopting him or if it was that important to you that he be considered family, split when it became obvious that was never going to be the case. Instead, you've just piled up grievances over the years about it and you just have to carry that or drop it.

I'm sorry for your loss.

What does your eldest son think about this? Did he look on FIL as his grandfather?

Could you talk privately to sil and explain how your fil was close to his step grandson and would have liked him to be part of things and how it matters to you and your son too. Perhaps he could read a short poem or something.

Who is ‘they’ and why is your DH not part of the organising group to influence these decisions?

For context, my stepmother’s mother has just passed away and her funeral is next week. I haven’t been asked to do anything as part of the funeral, nor would I expect to. That’s even with me having an independent relationship with her ie taking her shopping, bringing food etc. My younger half siblings are both doing readings, which feels right - she was always their grandma, not mine, and that was never spoken about or problematic, it was just a different (still very valued) relationship. I’m going both to honour her memory but also to support my stepmother and I don’t feel I need a specific role to fulfil either of those.

That seems uncaring. I can understand why you’re upset.
All I can think of is grit your teeth, get through the funeral as best you all can and then maybe have some time on your own with your ds afterwards.

If I was organising my father’s funeral I wouldn’t take kindly to such suggestions.

Op, I don't blame you for being upset and whereas I understand your hubby is sad over his dad, would it not have occurred to him to put his step son forward as well, if as you explain they needed other family members anyway. But fine, don't flag this with them. Leave them to it, maybe it wasnt intentional but noted either way.

I think that's awful, I'm so sorry.

I'm also quite shocked by the amount of people on here prattling on about him not being a relative. You don't need to share DNA to be part of a family for Christ's sake. For him to be excluded from every element of the service after being a part of the family for 15 years is outrageous.

'It was clear though that my eldest wasn’t their grandson/nephew'
It's right there in your own OP. Kindly, I've seen this kind of reaction during every death I've ever been close to - its very common when you've had a big shock to focus on something minor and that thing becoming bigger than it actually is.
You need to take a step back and think, will this matter in a months time or will you and your son be more focused on grieving a loved family member.
How does your son feel?
If he hasn't mentioned it, i don't think you should say anything to him unless he brings it up, you might be highlighting something and burdening him with your feelings on something he doesn't care that strongly about, at a difficult time. Regardless of people's individual feelings on how step families should function, it takes all varieties and I highly doubt that it even crossed your SILs mind that this would be a slight to your son - you need to get to a place in your own mind where you calm yourself with the thought that your SIL is grieving an unexpected loss and is just trying to get through making arrangements, all she will be thinking about is her dad and getting through it and her immediate family, not your son - and that's normal even in non blended families. This was not a deliberate slight. Also, some people would maybe think 'I won't ask xxx to do it as FIL wasn't their bio granded and they might feel uncomfortable and want to say no but they feel they cant' amd be trying to be considerate of your sons feelings - just another perspective. Families come with different ways and expectations and it's important to remember that sometimes those won't line up, and it doesn't mean that either party is in the wrong.

i’d be upset too, but as PPs have said I don’t think you can really say anything.

But, even though your DH is upset, I would be asking him how you and your son will be getting there. This does need to be sorted and may prompt him to think about the situation.

Sadly it looks like the dsil does not agree. I think your dh op needs to pull himself together and say to her that he wants your ds to have a role. Why is he not involved in the planning?

I do think that it is not your place to say anything to dsil.

Where does it say that they were close, ive read back through OPs responses and can't see it?

How does your eldest son feel? Has he questioned it? Did he have a close relationship with your FIL? Was FIL closer to his great nephew and the cousin?

I do think the two of you should be included in one of the cars the family is using and ask your husband about that.

But don't ask for your oldest to be included. You made your choice to stay despite your feelings about how they saw him and a funeral is not the time to push.

At my Dads funeral 2 years ago they weren't allowed to carry the coffin it had to be wheeled down the aisle of the church - are you sure they are actually carrying it?