My son and FiL’s funeral.

[OurNev]

I have been on here before and have to be honest I have been seen as an hysterical harpy. So here I go again!

My in-laws were a lovely couple, devoted to each other and to their family. They were always respectful to my child from a previous relationship who they met at two and a half, I married their son when my son was four. A year later I had our youngest son. It was clear though that my eldest wasn’t their grandson/nephew.

Well, FiL died three weeks ago, 84, fit as a flea and he just died.

The four grandsons including my 15 year old will carry the coffin. They needed two more so his nephew’s son is coming from London and a cousin’s grandson coming from Cardiff. They didn’t ask my eldest son.

I am making this tragedy all about me aren’t I? But God would you not think about the child your brother had raised for 17 years before your dad’s great nephew and what a first cousin twice removed?

My husband is distraught. He cried when our son was born, and twice with happiness over a couple of things son has done. He keeps crying over his dad and I am doing my best but I can’t get over my eldest not being asked. I hate myself for this thought.

That's pretty hurtful considering how long your DS has been part of the family. It doesn't have to be all bio family bearing the coffin. I'd be upset too, but I wouldn't let on to the wider family or DH. How is your DS feeling about it?

Does your son have a relationship with his biological father and his side of the family?

Yabu. They have asked their family members some from your side, some from other sides.

I agree with this. Are you and dh making sure the 15 yo isn't aware of your reaction, I don't think guilt on top of the grief will be helpful for him.

Inmydreams88
He doesn’t see his biological father. His biological grandmother didn’t see him but would send presents up until Covid. I found out by accident that she had died. His family on that side didn’t tell us and haven’t reached out since.

However, I don’t think this is relevant, even if he had a present biological father surely he should take precedence over a great nephew and a cousin twice removed. Wouldn’t he be seen automatically as a pair with his brother?

Yes I’d be pretty disappointed too, but it’s probably not appropriate to voice it under the circumstances. It sounds like it shouldn’t have been a surprise though, if they’ve always made that distinction.

I’m going to sound harsh here - he isn’t related to him, as you said it’s clear that your child wasn’t their grandson / nephew. I totally understand why they want family members carrying the coffin. Honestly this isn’t anything you should be worrying about now, support your husband in the loss of his father and try to find a way not to make whoever is carrying his deceased father into the funeral about your feelings / your child.

I would say it was for DH to suggest him when they were trying to think who would carry it. Who is organising the funeral?

It’s a poor decision on their part; try to protect your son but be frank with him that sometimes people are misguided!

Yes, it is hurtful, but I don't think it's something you can address in the circumstances. Hopefully, it will not occur to your son to mind.

I thought as much, kindly I think you are projecting your own feelings about your son not having a good relationship with his biological dad and his family. Thats why this has upset you so much.

Your son is not their blood relation, and just because you think he "should have precedence" over other family members others will not see it that way. You said yourself they made it clear your son was not their grandson or nephew.

Were these other 2 coffin bearers close to your FIL? Do you think that there would be any circumstances where your eldest son would have been asked, e.g. if there were only 3 grandsons, or would they have always excluded him and tried to find another distant blood relation?

I haven’t said a word, even to my sister-in-law when she was arranging stuff.

DH is spending a lot of time with mother and siblings as he should.

The children. grandchildren and elderly family will be in cars. I could go in car as well but there isn’t a place for my eldest son and he can’t drive.

SiL has also given my youngest son a prayer to read.

Other grandchildren are doing readings. Cousin’s sons are also acting as kind of ushers at the service

Why aren't the sons carrying the coffin?

Including relatives that are travelling what sounds like a significant distance is more respectful to the extended family. Your husband should take your sons place and neither of your sons would be singled out.

First, I'm so sorry for you loss.

I'm sure everyone is still in shock and no one is thinking clearly. Otherwise, they would've asked your oldest to be a bearer.

Are all the pall bearers quite young? Are you sure they're going to be strong enough?
In similar circumstances, I don't think I'd want either of my sons to feel they have to do it.

Seems like the issue is SIL. Your husband should have a word with her if its distressing him.

Otherwise - head up, leave them to it. Grief is difficult thing.

The issue is they do not see him as a close family member and this is not the occasion to voice your concerns, you are 15 years too late. Very few step families do to be honest, my mum is good with my dsds but they are not her grandchildren (met as adults anyway so different)

How will you and your eldest son get to the funeral? Will you be driving both of you? It's pretty mean to exclude him from the funeral cars. They seem to be trying to make a point that he isn't considered to be family.

Husband hasn’t said a word to me, I doubt he knows his own name.

son came home from university the day after as well to support him.

There's not much you can do but I would feel as you do. On the day make sure you, your DH and your sons stick together as a united unit. Don't complain, just ensure your son is involved in everything you do.

I can totally see where you’re coming from and I would feel the same way.

But you’re buggered because you can’t really express any of this to anyone without coming across really badly to everyone who is mourning.

All you can do is vent on here and try to put it behind you after the funeral.

ImmortalSnowman
I don’t know why that decision was made.

Younger son sees it as an honour.

DH, BiL and uncle will be speaking and cousin’s son is conducting service.

Fluffyholeysocks

I don’t think I will be able to keep my DH and younger son by my side on the day.

I am genuinely upset by his death, he was a decent man, a kind, gentle man, but I can get my eldest son out of my mind.

I can see where you're coming from but I don't think you can or should say anything. Let the family handle the funeral as they wish.
Is your son even bothered ? I know at his age I wouldn't have cared...

It never ceases to amaze me the sheer amount of shitty adults out there! There's nothing you can do about this situation , I would be pissed off too. My dc were welcomed with open arms by my dp family (10 &11) at the time, bio dad had died and his family couldn't be arsed.
If any of my 2 boys met someone who had dc, they would be welcomed and treated the same. Adults can be downright nasty.
Sometimes (well a lot) biology means nowt.
💐