My son and FiL’s funeral.

[OurNev]

I have been on here before and have to be honest I have been seen as an hysterical harpy. So here I go again!

My in-laws were a lovely couple, devoted to each other and to their family. They were always respectful to my child from a previous relationship who they met at two and a half, I married their son when my son was four. A year later I had our youngest son. It was clear though that my eldest wasn’t their grandson/nephew.

Well, FiL died three weeks ago, 84, fit as a flea and he just died.

The four grandsons including my 15 year old will carry the coffin. They needed two more so his nephew’s son is coming from London and a cousin’s grandson coming from Cardiff. They didn’t ask my eldest son.

I am making this tragedy all about me aren’t I? But God would you not think about the child your brother had raised for 17 years before your dad’s great nephew and what a first cousin twice removed?

My husband is distraught. He cried when our son was born, and twice with happiness over a couple of things son has done. He keeps crying over his dad and I am doing my best but I can’t get over my eldest not being asked. I hate myself for this thought.

Your dh is grieving his dad but I would still say something.

Not meaning to sound heartless... your FIL was 84 so death is not entirely unexpected at that age, and it was 3 weeks ago so the initial shock is over. After both my parents deaths by 3 weeks I was back at work.

Your dh is capable of having a calm conversation about this just to let him know how your ds is feeling about being excluded (if you ds is even bothered!) so he can discuss with family if he wants to.

If your ds is not bothered, leave it be. He is an adult now and can raise the issue with his dad directly if he sees it as one.

They must not have seen your ds as a family member when he was a child, it is not going to change now he is an adult and as much as that will upset you, the time has gone to change it.

Sorry for all your loss.

If FIL wasn’t as close to your eldest son why should he be involved? He is not related to your husband’s side of the family. You are a family unit with your DH, but not with the wider, extended family. Don’t be that person making it all about you and your son, when it’s about your DH’s family.
Also, what does your eldest son think about this? Did he expect to be included?

What your DH wouldn't even consider him?

I'd be so hurt, too @OurNev. I suspect they're just not thinking, which unfortunately is the point for you. I don't think you can make a fuss now though – the time to say something would've been when the first cousin was mentioned and you could've said, 'Why don't you ask [older son] as he's been closer to FIL than Colin from Cardiff?' If they said no then, that would've been your cue to have a go at DH/boycott funeral.

Oh, that explains why OP hasn't responded to being asked how close they are then - they aren't.
In which case, OP i think it's actually hugely more disrespectful of you to expect your son to be involved just for the sake of it, it's a funeral for God's sake!

Sorry to hear this. I think kindly that in many families, mine included, blood is thicker than water. I can’t image if my dad died my family would even think to include my stepdaughter in the arrangements for the funeral as if she were blood family. It would be blood family carrying the coffin, doing speeches and so on. Unless your son had an exceptionally close relationship with step-grandparent then it’s a bit unreasonable for you to think he’d have a ‘role’ simply because his brother does. In your eyes your sons are a pair as they are your sons. In your in-laws eyes you have a son and they probably do accept him as part of you, but not part of them. This is how my family is with stepchildren, and as much as I’m sure it’s hurtful, it is how it is, and you can’t force people to feel a bond that isn’t there.

Support your husband and try not to dwell on this is my advice. If your son asks just be honest ‘they wanted blood relatives to carry the coffin.’

I can see why you are upset OP but for the past 15 years you have had a DH problem. Even now he isn't stepping up and advocating for your son. Just crickets. And if he won't champion your son why do you think others from his family would? Don't blame MIL or SIL, put it right where it belongs - on DH.

I have been in a similar position. My step dad's mother passed away in my late teens. I was close to her. She looked after me after school every day from age 5. Initially all the biological grandchildren were included in the funeral cars, I wasn't. Funeral was being arranged by eldest son (not my stepdad). My sister (biological grand daughter) was only 12 but said she wouldn't go in the funeral car without me as it was my gran too (I did call her gran) and the family apologised and made a space for me. Is there any chance they just haven't thought this through? I genuinely think they realised I should have been included once it was suggested.

Sorry for your loss.

Coming back on to echo this. You mentioned you'd started previous threads about this@OurNev, so I just went and read them. You also said in one thread that the grandparents have never seen your son as a family member, so presumably that's why he's not been asked to be family pallbearer. But really you have a massive DH problem, and also a you problem – you should've called out this "not blood" crap years ago. Sadly though, I think the time to take a stand has been and gone, the rot is too far set in. So go in the separate car with your oldest son as planned and support your younger one doing the reading, but draw the line at anything else.

This.
You would actually say 'bollocks to how you feel about your dad dying and his funeral, what's important is how I think the funeral should go?!

This is an OP problem. She's stayed for 15+ years of this. She has known all along her eldest was not considered part of her husband's family. She's resentful, but it's not a deal breaker for her. If she really really felt so strongly about her eldest being considered part of the family by a stepfather's family, she would have left and chosen a partner whose family would do that.

So what is it that offsets her deep resentment at the eldest being treated nicely, but not as a family member?

Things don’t occur to my DH.

This is your problem, as has been pointed out to you many times on your previous threads. I’m sure your DH has been a very good father figure to your eldest son; but he’s not been a good enough father figure to advocate for him with his family (as you would see it; personally I think his family are entitled to make their own minds up about this. They have no moral or other duty to do otherwise). This doesn’t mean you can take out your frustrations on your in laws. You chose this man, and this is what being with him means: you chose a man to whom things don’t occur, you chose a man who doesn’t care enough about your eldest to use his brain. If you say you didn’t choose his family when you chose this man, then clearly they weren’t important enough to you to take into account so you can’t now complain about their actions. In that respect, YOU have let your eldest down because you didn’t secure for him the wider family you wanted for him. That said, from previous threads it seems your son isn’t bothered by any of this, that you are the only individual in this family who is.

Let it lie. Why do you contort yourself over this, after so many years? It’s not going to change and it doesn’t need to change. Nobody is doing anything wrong. They’re just not doing things to your satisfaction, and the fault and responsibility for that lie with you and only with you.

OP, haven’t read the full thread so excuse me if this has been covered. You say your son came back from uni to comfort your DH? So he’s at least 18, probably older?

So just have an adult to adult conversation with him. ‘Some people don’t view step children in the same way as blood family’. I have no doubt he will be able to rationalise the whole thing - he might not agree, but he’s mature enough to ‘get it’.

This isn’t a six year old who has been left out of a birthday party. And then let it go - we don’t have to agree with every decision families make in our lives, but we surely have to respect their right to make those decisions.

To be brutally honest, I would leave the carrying of the coffin to the funeral directors. There is no merit or kudos to be gained from splitting family feelings about who is or is not carrying a coffin.
Let the (male) mourners walk behind, if that fits.
FWIT it never occurred to me that my mother's 4 grandsons would have anything to do with carrying her coffin.

I'm shocked op
That you would allow your son to be so disrespected by your husband's family .
This is not a new situation
You have allowed this for 17 years .
So your upset yet again.
Yet you've never been upset enough to do something about it ,to stand up for your son .
Id of left a man who behaved as your DH did ,allowing his family to take against your son.
The only person I feel sorry for here ,is your eldest son
He's going to feel hurt yet again

If this were me considering you are also not biological to the family I'd be taking a big step back from family things.

If they are insistent about highlighting the differences then I'd make damn sure that they also feel the impact of exclusion

Ah just realised what poster this is.

Im not sure why you are shocked. They have showed time and time again. Your son, Is sons wife’s son.

Not son’s stepson even in their mind. His part of a completely different family in their minds.

There is their son and his son, with you the wife included at times.

Then there is you the wife and your son.

A grieving family is not the time to bring up what’s be being swept under the rug for years.

Would the relatives from London and Cardiff not have been coming any way? If they wouldn't because they weren't that close to your FIL then yes, I see your point.

Daisyvodka

Sorry I wasn’t deliberately evading questions. My son was certainly closer to FiL than the Great Nephew. He was always nice to him and showed an interest.

Honestly he wasn’t treated as a grandson. Eldest son plays cricket seriously, university choice was predicated on this yet it was one of other grandsons invited to The Long Room when he had an opportunity.

They were close enough though to be given this role. A step grandson who he saw often should take precedence over a Great Nephew and a first cousin twice removed.

Son has not asked about arrangements, he has only been to one funeral, the father of one of his friends, but when he sees what is going down I know it will sting.

But he shouldn’t. They don’t see him as family.

A cousin twice removed is family. A great nephew is family.

Their son’s wife’s son not family. You need to stop thinking he is their family.

Scout2016

Oh they would be coming anyway.

The three children are also going to do Rock, Paper, Scissors actually at the reception to determine who get his MBE. I kid you not! Apparently someone else did this and it will be amusing.

Son has not asked about arrangements, he has only been to one funeral, the father of one of his friends, but when he sees what is going down I know it will sting.

With respect, you do not know this. You think it. And that is based on your thoughts and feelings about how his family have behaved. I have not read your other threads about them, but it sounds as if they have always been politely tolerant rather than rejecting him. It is you that doesn't see this as enough.

Families are shit aren't they.
I'm on the outskirts of two groups who've built a big circle of friends and kids and it's honestly more supportive, reliable, honest and fun then either of our families.

Such good role models for my kids to see rather than MIL in knots over the favourite kid and only selected grandchildren. FIL utterly bored by anyone but himself.

My dad's funeral tipped into 'did that really happen' the eulogy was read by a bloke we'd never heard over, who'd moved away ten years ago. My mum missed out anything that wasn't mentioning her. No grand kids were named but all my previous dogs were. Because my brother didn't want to speak, I wasn't asked but a cousin was.

I suggest you and your son people watch and plan out how you want your future to look. What works, who you admire. Set up great role models. Still in touch with my uni friends, hope your lad is building his future friends for life.

A step grandson who he saw often should take precedence over a Great Nephew and a first cousin twice removed.

That’s your opinion. You can treat any step-grandsons and great nephews and first cousins twice removed this way if you like.

Your in laws don’t agree with you. As they have made clear to you many, many times. What do you get out of flogging this dead horse?