My son and FiL’s funeral.

[OurNev]

I have been on here before and have to be honest I have been seen as an hysterical harpy. So here I go again!

My in-laws were a lovely couple, devoted to each other and to their family. They were always respectful to my child from a previous relationship who they met at two and a half, I married their son when my son was four. A year later I had our youngest son. It was clear though that my eldest wasn’t their grandson/nephew.

Well, FiL died three weeks ago, 84, fit as a flea and he just died.

The four grandsons including my 15 year old will carry the coffin. They needed two more so his nephew’s son is coming from London and a cousin’s grandson coming from Cardiff. They didn’t ask my eldest son.

I am making this tragedy all about me aren’t I? But God would you not think about the child your brother had raised for 17 years before your dad’s great nephew and what a first cousin twice removed?

My husband is distraught. He cried when our son was born, and twice with happiness over a couple of things son has done. He keeps crying over his dad and I am doing my best but I can’t get over my eldest not being asked. I hate myself for this thought.

If your DHs family have never really accepted your DS as family then there's no reason why a funeral would be different. They're all very shocked and upset by FILs death, this is not the time to make an issue of it Op, you've had years of knowing how they felt and chosen not to say anything.

Does your son actually care that he hasn’t been asked? It’s not a particularly nice job is it?

That is very sad. My brothers “stepson” was automatically chosen when my DF died. He’d been my parents grandson since he was 9months old regardless of whether he was biologically theirs or not. He had his own father, grandfather but again irrelevant, my DF loved him and he loved my DF.

I hate it when I see posts like this. My family is pretty fucked up and has lots of problems but where step children are concerned they are always welcomed in the family even if they have other relatives somewhere else. My cousin buried her FIL yesterday, her childern called him granddad, they adored him and him them even though he also had biological grandchildren, he never treated my cousins children as anything but his own.

im sorry op, it dosnt help, but I don’t think your making it about you.

At my dad's funeral last year, we had the choice between wheeled or carried. We chose wheeled as the pallbearers were all my dad's closest friends, and while fit for their age, were 60s and 70s. His friends had privately discussed they wanted to carry him out of respect so that's what they did.

Well to be honest I am flummoxed at all those posters saying you are being unreasonable. You are not.
Your husband and his family are disgusting. Your son has been part of this family since he was 4. How can they think is is acceptable to exclude him like this?
I wouldn't go to the funeral and I would tell them all why not and bollocks to anyone's hurt feelings. What about yours?

I am making this tragedy all about me aren’t I? But God would you not think about the child your brother had raised for 17 years before your dad’s great nephew and what a first cousin twice removed?

I am sorry that you are upset about it, but no, I wouldn’t ask him to do it in this situation. He’s not a relative in the way that the others are. I’m sure that your husband treats him the same as his son but it can be different for grandparents.

I’m going to sound harsh here - he isn’t related to him

I am always intrigued by this point of view, if we take it to its natural conclusion, then neither is MIL, married but not in anyway biologically related.

It's absolutely not about you or your son. The family are probably doing their best to get things organised and have asked blood family Don't make this a thing

@OurNev , having read your threads about the Golden Anniversary party the grandchildren arranged that your eldest wasn’t invited to take part in, the holiday home he couldn’t stay in because “it’s for family” and the way the money from the sale of that house are being distributed to ensure only blood relations inherit…

WHY are you surprised and upset? At every point in your relationship with your DH’s family they have made it crystal clear what their boundaries are for who is and isn’t family.

Your eldest boy could be the second coming of Christ and they still wouldn’t see him as a relative. They’ve told you that in every interaction. They even hold back Christmas presents so he doesn’t feel discriminated against.

You have to accept this reality and stop banging your head against this particular brick wall. You are only hurting yourself.

Bollocks to the hurt feelings of a family who are grieving because they asked another family member to carry the coffin? I'm flummoxed by YOU! People get by best they can in these situations. Sheesh!

Some times funerals reveal that some feelings don't run as deep as you thought.
My sister has been part of my dads family for 40 of her 45 years. To my dad she is every much his child as me and my other sister his biological children. My nan showed her colours when I was expecting my daughter and she asked if he was excited to become a grandad he replied he'd been a grandad for the last 10 years since my elder sister, technically his step daughter, has her child. When my nan died me and my younger sister were asked to do reading as two of the oldest grandchildren and ignoring my other sister and a disinherited cousin of mine. I guess she was always close to being family but not quite to my nan. My aunt's and uncles treat her like family and my dad has never been anything other than the doting dad of 3. That matters more than doing a reading

I travelled in the funeral car for a friend's father's funeral - absolutely no relation (and not close) but was there to support friend, as same age as me and had lost her dad.
Think the family are being very thoughtless in their approach to this - especially when he is travelling specially to support his step dad during this sad time.
Sadly it reflects badly on your in laws, not your son....

I would be hurt too. I think it probably shows their true feelings. That they may be very fond of your older son but don't quite consider him family, or at least they don't quite consider him kin to the deceased. Of course you'd hope your husband's family would accept both of your sons as part of their family.

However, there is a bit of room for possible misinterpretation. Perhaps they thought your older son would be away at school or perhaps their goal is to get the distant relatives to attend, and think they may not otherwise. That could be their desire to see them again or perhaps the deceased left those instructions. It could have meant that there would be too many and someone had to go, that "someone" being your older son.

Would it help the overall situation to suggest to your older son that he return to school, that you don't think he should miss so much school over it, after all? Just a thought. Hopefully, it will soon be behind you, regardless. But even if they don't "quite" consider your older son family, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't have any strong positive feelings for him.

I can't believe anyone would try to be passive aggressive with someone who's lost their husband or father.

OP's role here is to support her husband, not to cause problems.

I think this isn't really to do with the FIL, it's to do with OP not being happy about how they all view her son. A funeral is not the time to kick this up, and will not fix the issue.

I understand your husband is distraught, but why is this his sister's fault and responsibility, not his? If he truly considered your son equal to your joint son, he would have advocated for him to be a pall bearer and not left it to his sister.

My family is pretty fucked up and has lots of problems but where step children are concerned they are always welcomed in the family even if they have other relatives somewhere else.

This sounds like DP's family.

There's often some drama going on but you would barely know who's a step-relation and who's a blood relation.

I haven't read your other threads, but having heard about them, you shouldn't be surprised, and presumably your eldest son won't be, either.

Of all the things your son has been left out of, this is the very last one you should make a fuss about.

Also there's nothing stopping a distant cousin being very close to FIL or his family. On my in-laws family there's such a 'distant' cousin of my late husband that even I am close to.

All of this. From what I remember of the various other threads, the older son doesn’t even care and thinks OP totally overreacts.

OP, they’ve been in your life for almost 20 years and by your own account have always made it very clear that your son is not family so why the hysterics every time they behave as they always have done? This should’ve been addressed years ago but with regards to the funeral, it’s not about you or your son. Suck it up and support your DH who you’ve said yourself is struggling hugely.

I agree with this, tho I'm probably biased because of DH never being really considered properly by his step FIL.

All you can do is follow your son's lead, but yes I'd feel shit too x

I absolutely agree with you Op. It sends a clear message, that even after all this time, your eldest isn't seen as family. I would be very hurt on his behalf.

Hopefully he won't have made the connection and isn't over thinking it?

Things like this can be hurtful. I was hurt that my DH didn't get a buttonhole at my DD's wedding. He has been in her life since she was 9! But he's not her real Dad. Her real Dad was of course given one. For the sake of a few quid, she should have been more thoughtful. And I paid for half the wedding! Of course, I didn't say anything, and I don't think you can say anything here, but do file it away at the back of your mind, for future reference!!

Yes it’s mean and exclusionary and evidence they don’t see your oldest as family. If there were 6 biological grandsons all the appropriate age to do this then fine. But they’re shipping in someone who probably wasn’t close to the deceased. But you absolutely shouldn’t say anything. Your husband is deep in grief and this is going to cause a row neither of you need and will create bad feelings for a long time. Heads up though if there’s a will with grandchildren included there might be another blow coming.

It’s just unnecessarily mean to the OP and her son, why make a big deal about excluding him, I think it’s really unnecessary.

I actually don’t think that they are having conversations about how to exclude. They just don’t consider him. Does this make sense?

I would be very hurt and also very angry by this and I honestly don’t think I would be about to not mention it to my dh , maybe you could broach the subject by mentioning about how you both are intending to get there seen as he doesn’t have a place in the car ? Might make him think about it but obviously it’s up to you how you go about it

I agree with this. The eldest not being allowed to use the holiday home was particularly petty but is just part of a pattern of behaviour that has been going on since OP met her DH.

The in-laws sound kind and polite when OP's son is in their company but they don't think of him as anyone more important than a casual acquaintance. The fact that he has been a part of their famil for 18 years means nothing to them.

OP's DH has never been willing to challenge his parents and siblings so the only thing that OP can do is quietly withdraw and stop investing anything in the relationship with her in-laws. I don't think that they fully accept OP and would probably have preferred their son not to have married her, but she is the wife of their son and the mother of one of their grandchildren so is grudgingly accepted as part of the family.