My son and FiL’s funeral.

[OurNev]

I have been on here before and have to be honest I have been seen as an hysterical harpy. So here I go again!

My in-laws were a lovely couple, devoted to each other and to their family. They were always respectful to my child from a previous relationship who they met at two and a half, I married their son when my son was four. A year later I had our youngest son. It was clear though that my eldest wasn’t their grandson/nephew.

Well, FiL died three weeks ago, 84, fit as a flea and he just died.

The four grandsons including my 15 year old will carry the coffin. They needed two more so his nephew’s son is coming from London and a cousin’s grandson coming from Cardiff. They didn’t ask my eldest son.

I am making this tragedy all about me aren’t I? But God would you not think about the child your brother had raised for 17 years before your dad’s great nephew and what a first cousin twice removed?

My husband is distraught. He cried when our son was born, and twice with happiness over a couple of things son has done. He keeps crying over his dad and I am doing my best but I can’t get over my eldest not being asked. I hate myself for this thought.

Its a difficult situation but this is partly on your DH. He must have been involved in the planning, why didnt he raise a role for your eldest? But really this is an issue that should have been raised 15 years ago.

There are several things at play here and I think it’s very important to remember that often in life there isn’t a right or wrong or one way or another. Multiple things can be going on at once and multiple perspectives could have a point. Life is rarely black and white.

Firstly, I’m sorry you’re hurting. It’s important to recognise your grief and be kind to yourself. Secondly, you are valid in being concerned for your son and being hurt that he wasn’t thought of here. Thirdly, it’s not your funeral to organise and therefore regardless of points one and two, your best option is to acknowledge that whoever is making the decisions has a right to feel how they feel - they may not have thought of your son, they may have different priorities, they may have had conversations elsewhere. Funerals are hard, deaths are difficult because we are really bad as a society at thinking around death and understanding it as part of the whole process of life. Decisions made under stress and upset are often messy and sometimes objectively unfair.

What I do know is that you will look back on this in a year and it won’t feel the same. This is temporary. Show up, with your eldest, have grace for the emotional volatility of others, and give space for your own. Don’t try and apply rationality to any of this - emotions are not rational. Keep remembering that.

I can understand that you are hurt on behalf of your eldest son as it underlines his position in your DH’s family - but it also explains why he wasn’t asked. If they want what they consider family to carry the coffin then by their thinking, that wouldn’t include your eldest. I think I’d be more bothered if your FIL had considered your eldest his family, but it doesn’t sound like he did, regardless of how lovely he was otherwise.

There is no way on earth I would be entertained if I suggested that my youngest did not carry that coffin either by DH, his family and most of all by my youngest son.

Eldest is at university he came home to support my DH who has brought him up, and is coming home again for Mother’s Day and will stay for funeral. He doesn’t know about any of the arrangements.

My MiL is still alive and DH and BiL have been present for all the discussions as well as SiL but I think MiL and SiL have more ideas. Things don’t occur to my DH.

As for getting to the funeral we can easily go on our own but I think he should be in car with other grandchildren and (sorry to say this, no disrespect intended) a first cousin twice removed!

You’re thinking too deeply about this - I have never been to a funeral whereby the coffin bearers have been ‘invited’. If your DS - whom I assume is now a 20 year old - wants to help carry the coffin he just needs to let your MIL know. Presumably the other relatives are already coming to the funeral, I’m pretty sure they won’t mind!

I think this is really odd to be honest.

If your DH has been spending time with him mum and sister organising, how has that slipped through the net?

It isn't something to do with a discrepency in sizes/height is it?

Also, the funeral directors would normally have usher who will assist in carrying so the fact that they are going above and beyond to get people from other places while blatantly ignoring your eldest son is really specific.

I wouldn't 'question' the decision, but you should really bring it up with DH that your eldest would be honoured to ask to carry, and leave it at that, you've sown the seeds which is all you can really do, but if it is a blood relative bullshit thing I'd be furious at my DH for going along with excluding him and would take a massive step back from anything and just let them get on with it themselves.

What is the relationship like between your two sons? If I recall correctly from your previous threads about your elder son's exclusion from some Golden Wedding celebrations, your younger son was absolutely OK with that and didn't seem particularly close to your elder son or see him as a brother.

Having read all of your posts, I’m wondering if your FIL was royalty??? Why does it need so many cars? There should be a car for your MIL and her DC, with spouses and grandchildren using their own cars. Coffin bearers don’t need to have a car to themselves. It’s all too dramatic.

I think I'd have to ask my husband why he's not been included in a non emotional way, there may well be a reason and its been thought through or they may have just not thought. I'm not a fan of family members all needing to have a role at a funeral etc, but I couldn't not ask about this. I think I'd hope it would be reconsidered after you ask about it but we don't know if other branches of the family have issues they are working around and this has had to be the cut off.

thepariscrimefiles

My sons adore each other and are as close as they can be given age gap. Youngest one is just very logical and while I haven’t discussed the funeral with him, he would just see his dad’s family as his, as they aren’t related to eldest. In everyday life this isn’t an issue.

If my family excluded one of them they would be upset

I know its hard but this is one of the reasons i dont agree with blended families. . You have chosen to blend your core family and have DH act as a father to your DS but you shouldnt force that decision on others. Obviously everyone should be friendly and kind to all but there is no obligation to see them as family. Presumably he wont be inheriting from them either.

If your own DH won’t say anything or put your DS forward for a role on the day then that does unfortunately 1. Reflect poorly on him and 2. It means you can’t do much about this. Of course your DH is grieving but he hasn’t lost his powers of thought or speech. You need to ask him to secure some kind of role for your DS, it’s not difficult to think of something.

If none of this happens I would both write myself and also encourage DS to write to your MIL offering your condolences and some nice anecdotes, one of which would be how brilliant your FIL had been when you and DS joined the family and how welcome and included he had made you feel over the years.

A tiny bit PA? Maybe, but with a light touch it might help them remember what’s important.

So sorry for both your loss and your additional grief.

Is your DH more distressed than his mum and sister? They seem capable of making all the decisions while your DH seems to be very passive and accepting. It's almost as though the family has closed ranks and you and your elder son are very much on the outside.

I think you’re way overthinking this. Not everyone can be a pallbearer and it sounds like there is a big family. My first thought was also whether a 15 year old lad is going to be capable of doing the job. It really doesn’t matter who is in what car as long as you can all be there together and support your husband as one of the closest relatives. It’s a lot of work for your SIL to arrange at a difficult time, I hope she’s getting help
and support

So were your son or FIL actually close?

This is the OP's husband's father too.

I wouldn't take kindly to being dictated to. A cousin tried when my mum died but thankfully my aunt had the sense to shut her down.

Side question just to understand the relationship: if you had a family meal for older DSs 18th (for example) and you invited your parents, would you have invited DHs parents?

Oh I think that's very sad. Your poor eldest son. I totally understand how you feel. Ideally your husband would stand up for your eldest but with the state he is in, that's not realistically going to happen is it?

Unfortunately, with the husband incapacitated, unless you want a potential massive falling out with his family I'd say you're just going to have to accept it, and not saying anything, just do what they want, as sad as it is. Perhaps when your husband has come to terms with his loss, he can explain or rather apologise to his stepson.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this, it must be a very emotional and stressful time.

Funerals I have attended the coffin is on wheels but still escorted down/ rolled down the church aisle or to the grave or whatever by family members if available. Funeral staff will step in but I have definetly seen family members approached to “help” if needed.

op I would not ask for DS to do a reading. I was asked to do a reading as was my Dsis on the day of a funeral and I was 40+ yrs old and still struggled to pronounce ecclesiastics. Is your son someone who would want to speak/ read / stand in front of others?

@Soontobe60 has a good point. there is validity to having DH ask if DS can also assist with coffin but prepare yourself to be declined. I agree he doesn’t need to be “invited” but based on history he may not be included

it’s little comfort now but my DM also died suddenly and unexpectedly at home and as I have seen my friends helping with their 85+ parents who have very serious health issues I am now grateful she was spared all that. Unexpected for us but seemingly peaceful for her.

OP - I agree with you and find this so sad.... Your poor son.

You’re right to be upset. You need to stand up for your son in both the car, coffin and reading if he is up for it. They’re all in a maelstrom, not thinking straight, so it’s up to you to flag it up xxxxx Best of luck xxxx

I am sorry for your loss.
Personally, I would drive myself and your eldest son to the Church or Crematorium.

You DH and youngest will need a lift home!

Is there a reception or wake later?

Be there for your own nuclear family. They are the most important.

Get eldest son to write a letter to your MIL or get him to lay wreath.

I wouldn't say anything, I would file it. When my Dad died suddenly I was a wreck as was my Mum. At 21, I had to arrange his funeral I really hope I didn't upset anyone.

Good luck

The thing is that since someone mentioned your other posts I took a quick look and honestly I don’t know why you are shocked.

Sadly that whilst being cordial and polite they don’t consider your eldest son as their grandchild. You have two other posts whereby you fully acknowledge this.

Therefore why would it change here?

It really would be wrong to speak up about this now as it’s been happening like this for years. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s obviously how they feel.

Now is not the time to push for your son’s inclusion - that ship has sailed. Your in-laws (and your youngest!) have been clear they see your first son as not part of that branch of the family whilst still treating him nicely.

If he isn’t part of their family (to their minds) he isn’t going to be a pall bearer or give a reading. That seems obvious.

I am sorry you are hurt for your son. Times like this show the cracks in the polite facades of blended families rather harshly.

You and he should travel to the funeral together. Trying to insist he is with the grandchildren would be inappropriate. Your in-laws are mourning and you pushing issues not resolved to your satisfaction in the past 17 years aren’t going to get any better now.

Sadly I agree.