Why are we letting children call the shots?

[trivi]

Apparently the advice now is to let your child get down from the table when then feel like it during dinner etc. If they don’t feel like eating and want to play with their toys, coming and going as they please, then that should be permitted.
Please help me understand the rationale for this? And at what age should this stop? Surely this doesn’t prepare them for school? Or life in general for that matter 😅 AIBU for thinking this advice is ludicrous??

Where is the advice from?

According to who, who is giving "the advice"? Is this government-mandated or something?

Kids definitely call the shots now and it’s why they’re so anxious and overwhelmed.

Absolute tosh. Children need boundaries and discipline. Neither of which is in vogue any more. Hence children becoming more unruly, spoilt and frankly a pain in the arse. Just my opinion obvs 🤷‍♀️

Add it to the ever growing list OP.

I’m not sure where you’ve heard that advice, but I do agree that children are not being set up for life as adults, where rules and boundaries do actually exist for all of us and people do have to endure some things they don’t like.

I don't allow this with my young children. To be honest in my experience is far more likely that they're just given a device to watch so they sit at the table and eat.

Children need to be trained. They need clear boundaries, it helps them develop mentally.
You only need to watch lord of the flies to see what happens when children are given free reign

We don’t do this, they always had to sit at the table and eat with the family, we still do most evenings and they’re 10 & 13 now. However I have never forced them to finish their food if they’re full, and when they were little and we ate out we would take them outside or whatever before the food came or between courses because a long meal where adults want to eat at a leisurely pace are boring for young children. At home though have never allowed wondering around and eating a few bites at a time

Our rule was that when you're still eating you stay at the table. Once you get down it means you're done, you don't return. And if you are finished you ask politely to leave the table. It's not rocket silence and I don't mind if they eat lots or nothing, they can eat according to their own body and needs.

I see so many people who buy those little toddler tables and just put a plate of snacks down and let their kid graze while running around playing, they never get the experience of actually sitting down at the table with their family, learning table manners, chatting about their day. Sequestered away in a corner of the kitchen on a tiny table and chairs, and some parents assume it's better for them. It's so strange.

Toddlers and kids get extremely anxious and stressed if they are expected to run a household and make every decision.

At the risk of being labelled one of "those" parents, I can see I'm going to have to take the gradual approach with my toddler in terms of building up table patience.

He's a natural born explorer, absolutely would not sit in a high chair in a cafe whilst other babies would, even at 7m.

Now at 18m, he still has little patience for a high chair when he's out and about. Home isn't exciting and new, so he doesn't care about getting down there.

I'm not letting him have devices, but until he's a bit older and able to properly read/draw at the table, yes, I'm going to follow him around whilst he explores the (child friendly) restaurant whilst the food is getting ready.

He'll learn through practice, but he can't practice without going out.

Eugh, as a teacher, I agree. Even by age 11 many kids don’t seem to be able to sit still for more than 5-10 minutes. Unless a child has severe SEN, I think it’s all about habits and setting standards.

I have a 4 year and 9 month old twins. In my house no one gets down from the table until everyone has finished. It’s just rude!

All kids are “natural born explorers”, it’s just that some are taught boundaries earlier than others.

There is plenty you can do at the table to keep him occupied at that age without wandering around a restaurant (and possibly getting in the way of waiting staff holding hot dishes).

In our house, there is one meal prepared (have no time for fussy eaters). You don’t get down from the table until everyone has finished. Meals are always at the kitchen island or dining room table - never ever on your knee in front of the tv.

My 3 year old will ask politely to get up from the table when she's finished her food. Some days that's after a few bites and other days she's still going after we've finished! But I wouldn't make her sit there until we are finished as well, if she wants to go and play she can. If we are in a restaurant she will colour or something until we are ready to go.

She definitely does not call the shots - I decided when and what we eat, she decides how much she eats.

Let kids be kids.

I'm not letting him have devices, but until he's a bit older and able to properly read/draw at the table, yes, I'm going to follow him around whilst he explores the (child friendly) restaurant whilst the food is getting ready

Please make sure you choose a restaurant where there's a designated childrens play area, or where you can take him outside. Letting him 'explore the restaurant', even with you following him, is just plain dangerous, as he's likely to get in the way of the waiting staff and other customers. I've seen it many times at my place of work, where children are under the feet of the staff who are carrying hot drinks/food.

This. The restaurant is not your child’s playground FFS.

Who’s giving this advice?

Ignore it.

Parent and you’ll be fine. You’ll reap the rewards and so will your DC. The ones ‘parented’ like this will never cope with life.

Nobody should be ‘exploring’ restaurants, and this is not what ‘family friendly’ means. It means they serve meals and children are welcome, it does not mean your little darling can crawl and explore and get right in everyone’s way.

All that he’s learning is that the rules don’t apply to him and he can do what he wants. The little adventurer!!!

How nice for the other diners and the wait staff.

Irresponsible and selfish

until he's a bit older and able to properly read/draw at the table, yes, I'm going to follow him around whilst he explores the (child friendly) restaurant whilst the food is getting ready

Oh god.

What magic day will he suddenly be happy to sit in the chair? Having spent his life wandering about - sorry, exploring, with you following him?

Trained?

Yeah, sorry to join in on this one, but 'exploring' is for parks / outdoors / softplay etc. If your child cannot sit in a restaurant without needing to meander around, or causing a fuss, it's too soon.

I say this kindly as the parent of a now well-behaved kid who couldn't countenance anything other than McDonald's until DS was around 3 1/2. I missed out, for sure. He didn't miss out on anything other than boredom and potentially getting a telling off for behaviour that was completely commensurate with his age, but not appropriate within a more formal setting.

Dinner table lol. Most places are too small to add a dinner table. The only place my son ever experienced one was at his grandparents larger home, Generally he sat until finished despite being autistic and struggling a bit.

If we ate out he also sat at a table and (horror of horrors) I often allowed him to use a tablet at the table so we all got a nice relaxed time. Shoot me now.

yes if you’re fortunate enough to have a table for meals then add in some boundaries about how food is eaten at the table. Don’t over stress though, my son is now 22 and despite not having a dinner table when young has no problem using one now.

Advice like that should absolutely be ignored unless you want your kid to turn into a mannerless brat.

I think these gentle parenting fads come in when a child is a toddler and cute and the the results of these tactics are instant and pleasant. Too ma y people don’t realise that child will be a preteen one day with an attitude that they can do what they like and suddenly it’s not so cute any more