Why are we letting children call the shots?

[trivi]

Apparently the advice now is to let your child get down from the table when then feel like it during dinner etc. If they don’t feel like eating and want to play with their toys, coming and going as they please, then that should be permitted.
Please help me understand the rationale for this? And at what age should this stop? Surely this doesn’t prepare them for school? Or life in general for that matter 😅 AIBU for thinking this advice is ludicrous??

I haven’t heard any one advise this and I’m in a few gentle parent groups which tend to have a couple of off the wall comments. Is this advice for fussy eating toddlers? Where has it come from?

My children sit at the table, 8 yr old has autism and youngest is 5yrs old. If we have people over then I don’t expect them to stay sitting at the table while adults have coffee/finish wine. But we do sit at the table, no screens and chat every evening.

Why not practice at home?

I agree. We instilled boundaries and discipline for our son from the earliest age he'd understand. Toys put away at end of play session, no painting/craftwork other than on the floor on a huge plastic mat, pens/paints etc all put away afterwards. All food eaten at the dining room table - no leaving the table until we'd all finished, no TV nor screens or games at the table - it was family conversation time! When he was school age, it was clothes, bag, etc laid out ready for the morning, homework done at the table after meal, and had to be finished before play/tv time. Bath every night before bed. Reading in bed (no games nor screens as it was wind down time). Start early, get them trained into pretty reasonable/normal behaviour patterns.

We had no problems at all as he grew older. When he started secondary school, same philosophy, he packed his school bag and got uniform ready the night before, did his homework at the dining table after tea before he could go off and play/watch tv, etc. It was just normal routine, but backed by boundaries and discipline. Never had a single detention or punishment from his teachers, never missed a homework deadline, etc.

We never actually "disciplined" him, we didn't have to, we'd just drummed it into him that he needed to do as he was told, when he was told to do it, and if you start early enough, it's just natural. Over the year, he got plenty of "rewards", never linked to good behaviour, but just part of being in a respectful household.

My own father was RAF, so I was brought up the same way, i.e. not a thing out of place in the house, shoes shined daily, clothes ironed daily, etc, following instructions without question, etc. It worked for him, it worked for me, and it's worked for our son. OH wasn't brought up the same way, but I soon "trained" him when we first got together and now he's the same too, so we're a family full of respect for each other, respect for boundaries and for rules/laws, etc.

Too many kids are stroppy for the sake of being stroppy and just rebel for no real reason other than to rebel. As long as there is no element of abuse, then kids need to have boundaries and discipline. It makes them better adults if they understand respect and that rules are there for a reason. Life is so much harder if your constantly battling against the system, other people, etc. No need for it.

I don’t think a free rein is appropriate, that’s anxiety inducing and completely lacks the structure that provides a child with security. I think choices are good, would you like A, or B for dinner tomorrow, would you like to go swimming or cycling on Sunday etc, choices (within a framework) give children the chance to make decisions for themselves and have a level of control over their lives, free rein to do anything at any time is far too overwhelming and everyone has to compromise and negotiate as part of a household family, although for me personally, free rein as a baby worked for me as in I didn’t sleep train, feed to a schedule etc. I was baby led on that front because that’s the kind of baby I had.

DD16 was complaining how many boundaries we’ve put in but we reckon we probably should have implemented more & earlier!

The rationale is i loathed being made to sit at the table with an empty plate while the adults talked around me when i was a child.

In my opinion, forcing someone to stay sat at the table at home is ridiculous and unnecessary, so i let them go, as long as they ask to leave the table, once their food is finished.

I do expect different behaviour out in public, and teach them home and 'out' have different rules.

Why is that such a bad thing?

Where is this advice from?

Really? Where does this advice come from then? If you want to moan about people that do this at least just be honest about it.

When you say your child won't sit in a high chair.... Exactly what choice do they have if you sit them in and do up the straps securely?

If they fuss you don't just take them out... You give them something to do while sat there. You give them a toy to play with or paper and chunky crayons to make marks. A car to drive across the tray? Yes they might fuss a bit the first time but they get used to it? Learning to be able sit for periods of time is really important. You start small, just 5 mins while they eat their snack maybe.

Too many people just hand toddlers a snack while they are walking about. I always had mine sit for their snack.

And where is this advice coming from?

I advise that Children should not have a specified bedtime, and should control all the money in the household, and should never have to do any chores.

How bad is that? But that's my advice....

I don't consider myself an expert but I have more than your average amount of children (6) and yes I trained them.

Everywhere we go, people comment on how polite and well behaved they are, usually accompanied by a surprised tone. As if because there is a lot of them they are expected to be feral. No.

They need to learn discipline and boundaries. They need to learn what is right and wrong. They need to learn morals, ethics, values. They need to learn was is acceptable and how to behave in society.

As a parent, you are a teacher, an educator. Your job is to teach your children these things.

These faddy and ridiculous "gentle parenting" methods are creating a whole herd of young people with self centred, woke, snow-flakey attitudes and no idea how to take responsibility for their own actions.

Parents have lost control because they are too scared to discipline their own children.

I haven’t seen that advice?

"Please may I leave the table" Don't suppose anyone does that anymore but we had to say that as children if we wanted to leave before the adults.

I agree and I had five. I think a part of it is the smaller family trend. If you only have one child then you (I suppose naturally) assimilate that child more into the decision making part of family life. When you have more children and every single one has a separate opinion and you just don't have TIME for every single decision to come to some kind of concensus - especially when every child has a very different opinion - sometimes you bring out the BECAUSE I SAY SO AND I'M THE ADULT.

We owe it to our children to teach them how the wider world works, basic manners, consideration and courtesy for others are part of this. Always took mine out to eat from a really early age and did not allow them to run around, how does it help them to have the mistaken belief that they can do as they please? At home they could leave the table when they had finished eating but I always tried to make mealtimes relaxed and sociable. Never ever forced them to eat anything they did not like or want. that was done to me as a child and I have never forgotten being forced to eat a pear. I had taken a bite and hated the texture, I was forced to sit there and finish it. Never eaten one ever again, even typing this is setting my teeth on edge.

I think this advice is made up to strike a debate. I’ve not heard it anywhere and there’s no source given…

What have you been reading? It sounds like some click bait daily mail article.

I've got two toddlers and everything ive ever read has said that once they are done to take their plate away until the next meal / snack time.

According to social services you can't tell a kid off. You have to say stuff along the lines of " I understand it's hard having to put your toys away" etc..I've no idea how that logic works when my son is trashing a room because he's having a meltdown

Same for me as a child! We weren’t expected to sit at the table if we had finished eating as meals could go on for ages in our house, but we were expected to ask permission to leave the table.

I did the same with DS as we’d often sit at the table long after dinner had finished, just chatting or having a glass of wine. If he had eaten his fill then of course he could go and play or come back to the table with a book or something to occupy him. But food was always consumed at the table - it was family time to talk about our days and generally enjoy each other’s company.

This isn't true or it's at least disingenuously edited.

Of course you can say I understand you don't want to put your toys away, you just follow it with, but you have to, because it's time for dinner/bedtime etc

What would you say when your child is having a 'meltdown'

There is no way he should be wandering around the restaurant, child friendly or not.

There is no universal parenting advice, outside of a few things - don't hit them/terrorise them, do have some boundaries/expectations, provide stability, support them and love them.

It's up to you to decide if you want to have a rule around staying at the table or not. Same as it's up to me and DH to decide for our family.

My daughter (14) does, maybe not in so many words but "thank you for dinner, I've had enough, I'm going to head to my room if that's OK?"

She always has sat at the table to eat dinner and it has so so many benefits. I hear from friends etc about kids eating in their rooms etc and it makes me so sad as we have a lovely time having dinner as a family.

It’s different if the child is 3 or 10. I’ve never made my 3 year old sit until the end of an adult meal

I'm not letting him have devices, but until he's a bit older and able to properly read/draw at the table, yes, I'm going to follow him around whilst he explores the (child friendly) restaurant whilst the food is getting ready

What a selfish and entitled attitude you have. What about the enjoyment and safety of other diners, other well-behaved children, waiting staff?

If you're not prepared to put boundaries in place and ensure your child knows how to behave appropriately in a restaurant, then it'd be better for all if you stayed at home.