AIBU to exclude DM from Mothers Day plans?

[TillyannaB]

Back story; my mum (dad not really on scene) of 3 daughters in 30’s- I live with DH and DC (9). My 2 sisters live with DM - both sometimes stay at boyfriends. One sister (L) I get on with and we have contact. Other sister (O) and I had a disagreement 5 years ago and she took the hump and hasn’t spoke since. This got my back up as promises she made to my DC were not carried out - likely to get back at me.
I sent 3 texts over about 3 months attempting contact (from a let’s move on perspective) but no reply.

Unfortunately DM loved the drama.
DM uses this to her advantage and for example will ask to spend her birthday day with my family doing something she wants then will go out in the evening with sisters.
I have known this years and just got on with it but this year it’s like she has been quite sly/ demanding and it’s annoyed me. She’s booked a meal at a fancy restaurant for her and my sister’s- my family and I aren’t invited, she knows DH stays with his own DM Mother’s Day weekends as she is far away so it would just be me and dc. She in fact text to say her late afternoon and evening are taken so where are we (me and my dc) taking her in the day but she needs to be back for 4pm to get ready to go out for her meal.

My DC has no idea about the depths of above. I asked her what she wants to do on Mothers Day and grandma can come but she said she wants a day just for me and her. I actually like this idea as we rarely have this and while it fits with how annoyed I am with DM I also feel guilty.

AIBU to not take my mum out like normal? DC would ‘let’ grandma come but I then feel like I’m not listening to her wants of a day for the 2 of us.

I can’t split the day as I can’t take DM home easily without our day ending there so she can have her other plans.

I am deep down annoyed with DM as she could ‘help’ my dc get her auntie back (even excluding me) but it’s like she prefers it this way as she gets double everything- years ago it would be 1 outing/ celebration for us all.

Everyone irl is biased so asking on here.
please be honest I can take it.
Thanx

Listen to your child. She has a brilliant idea and sounds like something you would actually look forward to.
Let go of your guilt. You are a mum so the day should mainly be about you! Maybe see your mum the day before to give her a card? I would be pleased with that and proud that my daughter is such a lovely mum spending the day with her own daughter.

Of course it’s not unreasonable. You are the mother now, this day should be about you. Spend it with your DC as your husband feels it so necessary to abandon you every year for his own mother.

Your mum is having a fuss made by her other DC. Send her a card. Some flowers if you really want. There is absolutely no reason for adults to feel pressure to spend time with their parents on Mother’s Day. The whole point is to celebrate the mothers who are, right now, doing the hard work of parenting. Like you are. Spend it however you blood want.

While agreeing the OP should have a lovely day out, just her and her daughter, I don't think her OH should be accused of abandoning her to visit his own Mum.
A lot of people seem to think only mums 'in the thick of it' should be celebrated - what about the mums who have brought up their children, spending years doing it, possibly making sacrifices in their own lives to do so? All mums, who are/have been great mums, should be honoured.

Just back away from the lot of them and their toxic dynamics and have a lovely time with your DD

Your mother knows you and one of your sisters don't get on. I don't see how doing things separately with each of you on birthdays/Mothers Day is reveling inthe drama or playing you off against each other - surely it's just a way of managing two adults who can't get on?

Go see your mother in the morning for a walk/coffee, do whatever you want with your kids in the afternoon and evening, don't make a drama out of it.

Your mum sounds really entitled. She is obviously happy with the rift between her daughters as it means that she gets two Mother's Day celebrations paid for by her daughters. A caring mother would want to heal/mend the rift between her children. Don't take her out for lunch on Mother's Day. Just enjoy yourself with your own daughter.

why would your mother want to sit between to warring sisters on either her birthday or Mother’s Day?

If you’re that bothered, then reconcile with your sister.

Seriously? The DH’s mother doesn’t count on Mother’s Day?

She does count yes - but does she count more than his wife who is always left to celebrate herself while he’s gone for the entire weekend ? Surely on some occasions he could also send her a card and flowers and take time to spoil his wife.

Send your mum a card and maybe drop a plant or flowers around.

You don’t need to see her on Mother’s Day - my adult DC ring for a chat and that’s perfectly normal. A card and a phonecall are fine, common even.

Spend Mother’s Day with your daughter, you are a mum too!

You tell her that this year you are spending Mother’s Day with your own DD and you hope she has a lovely day with your sisters. She can like it or lump it.

I don't think your mum doing this separately is her working to her advantage, it's her working to make sure she sees everyone. If your sister doesn't want to reconcile with you, there's nothing your mom can do, O is an adult with agency and can make her own decisions.

Tell your mum you will pop round day after and why not be straight with her and ask her to build bridges

Your mum is respecting the fact you don’t get on with your sister and not trying to force you together or have your conflict ruin the day. How is this in any way taking advantage / loving the drama?? You are being incredibly hard on her, it probably makes her really sad you can’t all be together.

Two of my DD's don't speak to each other. I support my youngest because she is entitled to enforce boundaries. They have both attended a family christening and can ignore each other. The OP hasn't said what the disagreement was about. There comes a point when you respect your grown up children, as autonomous adults and don't get at them because they aren't behaving to suit you. I don't demand their time, though, just because it's been declared a special day.
OP, spend your day with your DD, because you are her Mum and it's what she wants.

‘Abandon’ is a very strong word to use based on one sentence from the OP. We have zero knowledge of the background behind this.

The presumption on mumsnet threads is so over the top sometimes 🙄

Why is OPs DH getting a hard time?
People should be able to spend Mothers Day with their own Mother if they want to, OP is NOT his mother.

How can you blame the mother for her daughter’s disagreement? It’s their issue, not hers. She didn’t engineer the falling out, the situation is the result of two adult women not getting along. They need to sort it out, they’re no longer small children, that mummy says must make up, or they’ll lose privileges.

This. Your mum sounds equally as toxic as the sister. I'd be going very low contact now as I couldn't be doing with her childish ways. Do something lovely with your children.

Why should the horrible sister get priority? Doesn't sound like the mum is helping to try and build bridges between the 2 sisters.

YANBU

Just tell her you already have plans but you hope she has a great day.

Don’t even bother telling her what you’re doing.

Yanbu
If you want to soften the message a bit to avoid trouble- tell her that actually now DC is a bit older you have mother's day plans to spend the day with her this time. As DM is already tied up for the evening you will pop round with card/flowers/cake or whatever the night/weekend before/after.

I’d focus on you and your daughter. She probably just wants to spend time with you and not all the drama that you may be distracted by. Enjoy!

your husband feels it so necessary to abandon you every year for his own mother.

That’s because it’s Mothers’ Day, not Wives Day.

I think your mum has a bit of a nerve, demanding you spend the daytime celebrating her. You're a mum too (actively parenting right now) and you deserve to be treated and spoiled too. Either see her the day before, or send some flowers and a card for Sunday, and enjoy a day with your DD.