AIBU to exclude DM from Mothers Day plans?

[TillyannaB]

Back story; my mum (dad not really on scene) of 3 daughters in 30’s- I live with DH and DC (9). My 2 sisters live with DM - both sometimes stay at boyfriends. One sister (L) I get on with and we have contact. Other sister (O) and I had a disagreement 5 years ago and she took the hump and hasn’t spoke since. This got my back up as promises she made to my DC were not carried out - likely to get back at me.
I sent 3 texts over about 3 months attempting contact (from a let’s move on perspective) but no reply.

Unfortunately DM loved the drama.
DM uses this to her advantage and for example will ask to spend her birthday day with my family doing something she wants then will go out in the evening with sisters.
I have known this years and just got on with it but this year it’s like she has been quite sly/ demanding and it’s annoyed me. She’s booked a meal at a fancy restaurant for her and my sister’s- my family and I aren’t invited, she knows DH stays with his own DM Mother’s Day weekends as she is far away so it would just be me and dc. She in fact text to say her late afternoon and evening are taken so where are we (me and my dc) taking her in the day but she needs to be back for 4pm to get ready to go out for her meal.

My DC has no idea about the depths of above. I asked her what she wants to do on Mothers Day and grandma can come but she said she wants a day just for me and her. I actually like this idea as we rarely have this and while it fits with how annoyed I am with DM I also feel guilty.

AIBU to not take my mum out like normal? DC would ‘let’ grandma come but I then feel like I’m not listening to her wants of a day for the 2 of us.

I can’t split the day as I can’t take DM home easily without our day ending there so she can have her other plans.

I am deep down annoyed with DM as she could ‘help’ my dc get her auntie back (even excluding me) but it’s like she prefers it this way as she gets double everything- years ago it would be 1 outing/ celebration for us all.

Everyone irl is biased so asking on here.
please be honest I can take it.
Thanx

IMO (and my family!) there's a prority list of mums on mother's day. The mum who doing the active parenting is made a fuss of by their kids and their DH (at the moment that's me, my sister and SIL)

That means that my own DM's mother's day celebration (and MILs) happens the week before (we had mum over this weekend for a meal and gave her gifts and card), the day before (brother and SIL taking mum out for a meal on Saturday, and the weekend after (sister having her round to hers). When my gran was still alive it was just the same.

The moment my DD becomes a mother, the day is primarily about her and I take a back seat.

I remember my first mother's day, my mum gave me daffodils and wished me a happy mother's day too and it was lovely to be recognised by her in an equal way

So I would say go out with your DD on Sunday and see your mum the weekend after

Just tell your mum that your daughter is taking you out the whole day for mother's day. She's got plans already so it's not like you leave her all alone.

You can do whatever you like, OP. There is no rule that says you have to see your parent on a particular day.

Spend quality time with your daughter. Put the toxicity behind you.

as an aside, it’s really odd that hour husband leaves for Mother’s Day. You are the actively parenting mother. He should be t there spoiling you. He can send his mother a gift or visit her a different day.

I agree with pp that it’s unfair to assume that your mum just wants double celebrations. Maybe she would love things to be back to how they were but two of her daughters don’t have the maturity to be civil to one another. It’s certainly not her job to heal the rift between two grown adults. I do think, though, that you should spend the day with your daughter if that’s what you’d prefer. So much pressure on people over a day that’s forced upon us to make us spend money.

This.

Children only learn what to do on Mother's Day if their dads show them.

It may not be Wives Day, but the DH here appears to have forgotten the woman who is actively mothering his children.

sounds like DM is avoiding potential drama by keeping separate events for you rather than invite you to an event where even if there aren't any arguments, it's likely to be tense.
Send a card, arrange something else on a different day.

Yep do something just the two of you. You are a mother now and your child takes priority. It’s not like your mother will be in her own crying into her tea that no one loves her. Send her some flowers or something and leave it at that.

Spend the day making memories with your daughter. You have tried to reach out to your sister and been rebuffed. Yet your mother has prioritised your sister with her restaurant booking. She seems to have encouraged the divide rather than try and heal.
Just text her back and tell her you are busy all day. Stop letting her dictate. Time to put your own family first.
Edit: You are not excluding her. She is doing that herself. She has decided her own priorities with your sisters and offered you the 'leftovers'. Does she always put her other daughters first?

Did you miss the part where Op said she had tried to reach out to her sister?

That’s not true in this case though is it? The child doesn’t need her dad to show her or maybe he already has considering the child wants to spend the day just the two of them. Surely that’s what it’s about? There is nothing wrong with the DH going and visiting his mum, it is Mother’s Day after all.

Have a lovely day, entire weekend, with your daughter and leave your failure to launch sisters with your mother. You don't need the toxicity. Your daughter definitely doesn't.

"She in fact text to say her late afternoon and evening are taken so where are we (me and my dc) taking her in the day but she needs to be back for 4pm to get ready to go out for her meal."

Good grief! How entitled your DM is!! She has just assumed that you WILL be engaging with her at some point on Mothers Day hasn't she! Just because you've always done it, doesn't mean that it's set in stone. I say do what your DC wants and invite your DM to something on a different day. Bloody cheek! 😂

Let your mother know you have mothers day plans with your own daughter and you'll see her (your mother) another time when she's not so rushed.

Completely untrue. My ex has not been involved since my eldest was 6. I have 3 of the most considerate, wonderful teens a mum could hope to have. They look out for me every Mother’s Day, birthday etc - with zero input from their father.

The fact she asked where you are taking her is quite presumptuous isn’t it. I’d say you have plans with dd during the day so were thinking of taking her out for an evening meal but since she’s otherwise engaged you’re happy to leave it this year.

She sounds like she’s revelling in the drama which isn’t nice at all. Leave her and the sisters to it and maybe suggest your dh stays home one year too.

Thank you. This was exactly my point. Ditching the woman who birthed your own child for the entirely of Mother’s Day weekend is fucking wild. She is the number one mother in his life now. Not his own mother, but the one he made a mother. He should be adoring her and showing his child how to spoil her. Not leaving her to do the childcare alone. I would feel pretty unappreciated.

That’s just weird.

It’s Mother’s Day; he should see his mother if he wants to. OP’s daughter is perfectly capable of celebrating her own mother without his help.

If DH thought he needed to spend the day “adoring” me I’d think he’d had a blow to the head.

Well I think it’s a bit rich expecting OP to do full childcare all weekend while he gets a weekend “off” every year as standard. No breakfast in bed, no nice meal out as a family together. No “let me do the dishes, it is Mother’s Day” even.

Well, I sure hope OP takes full advantage of a Father’s Day weekend to herself at very least.

"Sorry mum, you know I love you but DD and I are having a special day out together for mothers day. I'm sure you understand. We can do something fun the next weekend maybe?"

That’s odd because my son has managed MD perfectly well with no dad on the scene. I expect he learned from what I did for my mum.

I can’t believe how many replies I have- thank you all so much, all perspectives are good to hear although I’ll leave the dh ones out- it’s how we have always done it due to things his DM side- he has taken dd to get my card already.

Just to clarify, I did make contact with DSis about sorting things but she didn’t respond. Forgot to add, I also asked my mum about 6 months later to help sort things as DD was asking to see her auntie. But DM said ‘you know what she’s like’.

you've all made me think though, every birthday DM has messaged in advance saying can we do this weekend day as DSis want to do xyz the other day and it’s actually been that this last birthday she wanted to go out with us on the Sunday then a couple of weeks before she swapped the day as DSis changed their minds! Silly me just went along with it as usual and maybe that’s the issue.
if I don’t she gets all emotional and arsy or will say to dc ‘why don’t you love me’ and this upsets dc- I STRONGLY put DM right when she does things like this, in front of DD as I don’t want her hearing that crap I grew up with! Then DM sulks or pulls a face.

thank you all, I will try and word it nicely from some suggestions on here.

really thank you.

Let your DM sulk. Tell her ‘we will drop off a card on Saturday for you as we already have plans for Sunday.’

Yeah I think it's a pretty straightforward "Sorry, mum, we're booked up during the day on Sunday and only free in the evening - sounds like that doesn't work for you. How about we drop by on Saturday afternoon with you card and gift?"