AIBU to exclude DM from Mothers Day plans?

[TillyannaB]

Back story; my mum (dad not really on scene) of 3 daughters in 30’s- I live with DH and DC (9). My 2 sisters live with DM - both sometimes stay at boyfriends. One sister (L) I get on with and we have contact. Other sister (O) and I had a disagreement 5 years ago and she took the hump and hasn’t spoke since. This got my back up as promises she made to my DC were not carried out - likely to get back at me.
I sent 3 texts over about 3 months attempting contact (from a let’s move on perspective) but no reply.

Unfortunately DM loved the drama.
DM uses this to her advantage and for example will ask to spend her birthday day with my family doing something she wants then will go out in the evening with sisters.
I have known this years and just got on with it but this year it’s like she has been quite sly/ demanding and it’s annoyed me. She’s booked a meal at a fancy restaurant for her and my sister’s- my family and I aren’t invited, she knows DH stays with his own DM Mother’s Day weekends as she is far away so it would just be me and dc. She in fact text to say her late afternoon and evening are taken so where are we (me and my dc) taking her in the day but she needs to be back for 4pm to get ready to go out for her meal.

My DC has no idea about the depths of above. I asked her what she wants to do on Mothers Day and grandma can come but she said she wants a day just for me and her. I actually like this idea as we rarely have this and while it fits with how annoyed I am with DM I also feel guilty.

AIBU to not take my mum out like normal? DC would ‘let’ grandma come but I then feel like I’m not listening to her wants of a day for the 2 of us.

I can’t split the day as I can’t take DM home easily without our day ending there so she can have her other plans.

I am deep down annoyed with DM as she could ‘help’ my dc get her auntie back (even excluding me) but it’s like she prefers it this way as she gets double everything- years ago it would be 1 outing/ celebration for us all.

Everyone irl is biased so asking on here.
please be honest I can take it.
Thanx

Interesting you say that as she always said she’s the one of us that parents don’t care about!
she struggled most when we were younger and my dad left as she had a good bond with him, I think this still affects her now which is quite sad. She would always be the one who got emotional with me at emotional moments like when dd was born. I love her regardless and I’m angry at how she dropped dd from her life but hope one day in the future she’ll come back.

she is actually the only one of us who will forget to mark events and I can remember at least twice she hasn’t got a Mother’s Day card for DM and DM was really annoyed.
DM was unwell over Christmas and I was dropping her meals every other day after work, but this DSis was at home with nothing to do but said she couldn’t go to get anything from shops or prepare food so other DSis had to work food shops around her shifts which were 12 hour nights at the time. It’s a funny dynamic.

Are you welcome in your mum’s home? If yes, I’d drop round with flowers and a card for an hour or however long you want. Do not take your mum out. Have a lovely day with your own dd, it’s YOUR mother’s day.

If you’re not welcome to your mum’s home, just post a card.

Who pays for the meal when your mum and sisters go out?

Back away from your mum. She sounds awful. Enjoy your day with your dd.

Dsis (O) who ignored my contact doesn’t work so DM would pay for meals when it’s just them 2 which is at least every other week as DM likes meals out and Dsis gets the free meal. When it’s DM with the 2 Dsis I expect it’s split as other Dsis I get on with (L) would probably say to O she needs to contribute.
when I take DM out I always pay- I just feel it’s the right thing to do.

we would be welcome at DM’s and she does invite us but I always decline due to the one and only time we visited about 12 months after the fall out between me and O, my DC was in DM’s house (with me) asking DM where O and L where to which my DM said L is at work and O is upstairs. DC was then later asking me why O didn’t come downstairs to see her and why doesn’t O take her out like she used to and such like.
so I won’t put DC in that situation ever again where DC thinks O is ignoring her (she actually is). This is where when I mentioned previously DM should step in - her DD in her 30’s is ignoring her GC, it’s wrong.

for some reason this year it’s really pushed a button for me.

It sounds as if O is pandered to. Does she have some problems that prevent her from working, affect her behaviour etc? Your Mum can only control her own behaviour, not your sister’s. She could have a quiet word with her while you’re not there but shouting up telling her to come down and see your daughter or going up to talk to her while you were in the house could have led to a big upsetting drama. The argument is between you and your sister. I fully understand that you would not want to put your daughter in that position though. I hope you manage to have a nice day with your own daughter but try not to put your Mum in the middle of the difficulty with your sister.