AIBU to exclude DM from Mothers Day plans?

[TillyannaB]

Back story; my mum (dad not really on scene) of 3 daughters in 30’s- I live with DH and DC (9). My 2 sisters live with DM - both sometimes stay at boyfriends. One sister (L) I get on with and we have contact. Other sister (O) and I had a disagreement 5 years ago and she took the hump and hasn’t spoke since. This got my back up as promises she made to my DC were not carried out - likely to get back at me.
I sent 3 texts over about 3 months attempting contact (from a let’s move on perspective) but no reply.

Unfortunately DM loved the drama.
DM uses this to her advantage and for example will ask to spend her birthday day with my family doing something she wants then will go out in the evening with sisters.
I have known this years and just got on with it but this year it’s like she has been quite sly/ demanding and it’s annoyed me. She’s booked a meal at a fancy restaurant for her and my sister’s- my family and I aren’t invited, she knows DH stays with his own DM Mother’s Day weekends as she is far away so it would just be me and dc. She in fact text to say her late afternoon and evening are taken so where are we (me and my dc) taking her in the day but she needs to be back for 4pm to get ready to go out for her meal.

My DC has no idea about the depths of above. I asked her what she wants to do on Mothers Day and grandma can come but she said she wants a day just for me and her. I actually like this idea as we rarely have this and while it fits with how annoyed I am with DM I also feel guilty.

AIBU to not take my mum out like normal? DC would ‘let’ grandma come but I then feel like I’m not listening to her wants of a day for the 2 of us.

I can’t split the day as I can’t take DM home easily without our day ending there so she can have her other plans.

I am deep down annoyed with DM as she could ‘help’ my dc get her auntie back (even excluding me) but it’s like she prefers it this way as she gets double everything- years ago it would be 1 outing/ celebration for us all.

Everyone irl is biased so asking on here.
please be honest I can take it.
Thanx

I actually don’t know what to say about this. My dear mother died over 30 years ago and would love to spend Mother’s Day with her one more time. If you want to exclude her fine but I would think what it would be like if this was her last Mother’s Day and she might not be here next year to celebrate with you How would you feel? If you don’t care about that just go ahead without her. It’s just one day isn’t it ……..

Spend it with your dc. your mums being a bit of a moo.

@PandorasBox7 yes I know what you mean and that’s something else she has said in the past it might be her last ‘xyz’ day and how bad would I feel if she was gone for the next one ☹️ and I would feel awful so again another reason why I have always just done what she wants.

thank you for sharing and sorry about your DM.

Flip it around. Tomorrow isn't promised. Sorry to sound morbid.

Yes I do agree with what you just said but I am thinking about you. I feel guilty for not being there when my dear mother died and I still feel sad about it now all these years later 😢

It’s up to her what she decides but life is too short and I would include my mother because after all it’s just one day isn’t it?

It is,but it's also very one sided and there comes a time,when you're not number one in someone's life,you have to put yourself and your children first.

I haven’t RTFT,

But I think you would be unreasonable to not do something with your DM.
I disagree that she is happy with the rift between you and your sister and is being an opportunist. As a mother of adult daughters myself, I see a mother who is rightfully not trying to manage her adult DC’s relationship with each other, she’s not twisting arms to get you two to play happy families by insisting on doing things all together. She’s not on the phone to both of you crying over how much it hurts her you two haven’t built bridges and rebuilt your relationship as sisters. She is a mother stuck in the middle of two of her daughters and she is respecting both of you by doing things with each of you separately. You cannot punish her for the rift between the two of you or expect her to be a go-between to heal the rift either. Your relationship with your sister is for you and your sister to manage.

Fair enough but I couldn’t put myself first because I know I will regret it later.

@TillyannaB my DM was a tricky beast (although I loved her dearly). For some reason this particularly manifested at Christmas. I had a run of really difficult Christmases as the only child of 4 who spent it with DP - this culminated in a Christmas which my cousin described as watching two elderly lions (DP) pick off the smallest gazelle (me) at the back of the herd 🤣

anyway, long story short I didn’t spend the next Christmas with DM and it was her last. She and DF were just the two of them. Did I regret it? Hell no. Not for one minute. It just meant my primary memories were nice things and not one last shitty Christmas. So don’t be afraid to hold your boundaries!

Your choice but I couldn’t have done that myself.

I am deep down annoyed with DM as she could ‘help’ my dc get her auntie back (even excluding me) but it’s like she prefers it this way as she gets double everything- years ago it would be 1 outing/ celebration for us all.

But don’t you see your annoyance is based on wanting your DM to pick your side in this rift between you and your sister. How can a mother chose between two of her children? I couldn’t. You are the only person who can get your DC their auntie back. I doubt very much she prefers having two daughters that are no contact than having two daughters that get along. I think she is just trying to not take sides, treat you both the same in terms of love and respect, and is hoping you two will reconcile before she dies.

Just do what you want with your DC. You don't have to see your Mum on the day, as long as you get her a card and give her a call.

I often don't see my mum on mother's day as she is at my brother's. This year she is at ours, so my brother won't see her. She can't be in 2 places at once! And if we all went out then DH wouldn't see his Mum. It's not like your mum has nothing planned and will be spending the day on her own.

I sometimes wish I could have a day with just my little family, but we're either seeing my mum or my mil. So take this opportunity while you can.

I do understand why she'd want to see you separately from your sisters, if you're not speaking to each other. However it's also your mother's day! I'd send flowers to your mum and grandma, and stay home with your children. Get them to help make dinner and a cake. It will be fun and relaxing. Not sure why you have to take your mum out every year on mothers day?!

Please don’t try and shame me for a choice that I made in full knowledge of a dynamic you know nothing about. Be better @PandorasBox7

Maybe your mother was much nicer than OP's mum. There is always a guilt-tripping post from someone who says that they would give anything to spend one more Mother's Day with their mum but not all mums are nice and caring.

OP's mum sounds entitled and demanding and OP's daughter has asked to just spend the day with her mum. Why would you try and make OP feel guilty?

I’m not shaming you I just said I could not do that it’s just my opinion

I know that I am just saying what I would do. I am going to leave this thread now because I always feel sad on Mother’s Day even though I am a mother myself x

To clarify, doing something with your DM to recognise Mothering Sunday doesn’t have to be on the Day itself. It can be the Saturday or the following weekend or during the week (ie nice dinner out). It’s not a choice between your DM and your DD..,

OP's mum sounds entitled and demanding
I don’t read that at all. The origin of these events having to be done separately was by the demand of OP and her DSis who couldn’t stand to be around each other. It wasn’t due to the DM demanding everyone treat her separately.

DM is even deconflicting the schedules of OP and her DSis as they can’t even communicate with each other, “I’ll see mum on the Sunday for brunch are you ok with that? Yes, I’ll take her for dinner…”

So poor DM is going back and forth with when do you? And then to OP, is this ok? Back and forth.

You are and you need to stop.

Yes, tell your mum you're doing a special day with your daughter so won't be able to fit in with her timings. You'll drop her card and whatever else you have for her off the day before. Be really calm about it and don't respond to any guilt tripping about how she will be left out / won't see you etc. It's time you prioritised your own status as a mum.

Clear emotional abuse.

Only response to that is - You're right, there are a thousand ways you could die tomorrow. Just like anyone else.

OP has said that she is demanding:

'this year it’s like she has been quite sly/ demanding and it’s annoyed me. She’s booked a meal at a fancy restaurant for her and my sister’s- my family and I aren’t invited, she knows DH stays with his own DM Mother’s Day weekends as she is far away so it would just be me and dc. She in fact text to say her late afternoon and evening are taken so where are we (me and my dc) taking her in the day but she needs to be back for 4pm to get ready to go out for her meal.'

OP's mum is already going out for mother's day in the evening but she is demanding that OP takes her out in the day which OP doesn't want to do.

OP has reached out to her sister to reconcile with no response and she has asked her mum to help which her mum refuses to do.

Your mother presumably wasn't as emotionally immature/abusive/lacking as the ops.

And yes agree you don't know what to say so I'd have kept quiet.